The Eternal Sunset

[mv5543]

Hi, 



I wrote the following poem which has the theme of life and death. I would like some feedback especially regarding rhyme and rhythm, and whether the arguments I make for picking life over death makes sense to the readers. Thanks!

Most of man knows life as time,
but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time,
is what make life divine;
The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,
and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way,
and if past the sunset an inferno lies,
I would do good a deed and temper vice today;
And as muscle dies and senses fail,
and if the spirit withers away,
that I say is the worst of fates!
Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:
it imitates, and masquerades;
For man’s torch can only flare and dim,
but remains a speck in a great abyss;
The eternal sunset comes closer still,
Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will?

[porpoise]

(changed formatting for easier editing)

Most of man knows life as time,

but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time, 

is what make life divine; these first three lines are very awkward sounding.

you should look into making it two, so that the second line isn't so disproportionately long

compared to the lines before and after it. 

as it stands, rhyming time with time is not the greatest (and a grammar nitpick, the IS in the third line should be ARE as you're talking about both the ebbs and the tides)

The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,

and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way, 

and if past the sunset an inferno lies, 

I would do good a deed and temper vice today;

doing ok here, but may i suggest replacing the second sunset with different phrasing?

its slightly repetitive and draws away from the message.

also, why the semicolon? seems unnecessary.

And as muscle dies and senses fail,

and if the spirit withers away,

that I say is the worst of fates!

what exactly is the worst fate, here? failure of the body or failure of the soul? just a bit unclear.

Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:

it imitates, and masquerades;

rather than naming life as a falsehood, i think language more fitting with the rest of the poem

are words describing life as unimportant rather than unreal.

For man’s torch can only flare and dim,

but remains a speck in a great abyss;

i like the two above lines as they are.

The eternal sunset comes closer still,

Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will?

the rhythm of these last two lines is a little off, but i think that can be fixed by shortening the last line - approach with all my will, embrace with all my will, etc

I hope this helps out. I like the message you're putting forth and with a little touching up this would be a very nice read.

[RiverNotch]

I've edited this so that editorially it makes sense. The format and the font should be changed -- the font obscures the commas (I first thought you ended most of your lines as full stops), and the centering means nothing other than a pain -- though, if you really wanna stick with your, er, gift-card sense, at least wait until the final draft, to make it easier for us critics.

Most of man know life as time,

but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time 

are what make life divine. Note: most is plural, ebbs and tides are plural: thus, "know", "are".

The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,

and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way;

but if past the sunset an inferno lies, 

I would do good a deed and temper vice today! Too long. "I'd quit my sins and do good deeds today!" 

And as muscle dies and senses fail,

and if the spirit withers away,

that I say is the worst of fates! These three lines completely unnecessary -- the spirit will wither away in the inferno, and you already very clearly imply that that would be very, very bad (ahem, inferno), and regardless of heaven and hell, muscle will die and sense will fail.

Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan: Mirage and charlatan, redundant.

it imitates, and masquerades; Again, unnecessary point, with the justification being below -- and the imagery here is not vivid enough to justify being elaborated, what with a "mirage" already "imitating, masquerading".

For man’s torch can only flare and dim,

but remains a speck in a great abyss; Another unnecessary point. Your point is whether you should speed to death or not -- to say that man's life would eventually die is obvious already. Or if you mean to say that man's life is one big lump of bright nothing in the middle of a great lump of dark nothing, well, again, unnecessary -- death is already an inferno.

The eternal sunset comes closer still,

Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will? Too long. Merely "Should I wait, or rush [more vivid] to it with all my will?"

Bland, at points either senseless or redundant (or, er, both), and saying nothing that hasn't already been said (or, even when said, isn't exactly worth saying as much, at least in poetry, not without a good ton of novelty).

[Erthona]

Center justify is generally only use in concrete poetry and old lady coffee table books, primarily because it makes the reading much more difficult; same goes for capping the start of every line

Most of man knows life as time,  (which part of man would that be?)
but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time, ("but the privy" however "privy does not really seem the correct word here, maybe "privileged"? syntax)
is what make life divine; ("makes")
The eternal sunset on the horizon waves, (I was unaware sunsets could preform this action)
and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way, (non-sequitur)
and if past the sunset an inferno lies,
I would do good a deed and temper vice today; (inversion, "I would do a good deed")
And as muscle dies and senses fail,  (Is this only one muscle?)
and if the spirit withers away, (and, and ,and... is "withers" really a good word usage?)
that I say is the worst of fates! ( yes, dying is, pointless line)
Not life at all, but (a) brief mirage, a charlatan: (what is "not life at all"?)
it imitates, and masquerades; (what is "it")
For man’s torch can only flare and dim,
but remains a speck in a great abyss; (this usage/metaphor is trite; does not work with the  sunset metaphor and is in fact counterproductive to it)
The eternal sunset comes closer still,
Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will? (Rhetoric, not poetic)
________________________________________________________________________

First sentence:

Most of man knows life as time, but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time, is what make life divine; the eternal sunset on the horizon waves, and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way, and if past the sunset an inferno lies, I would do good a deed and temper vice today; and as muscle dies and senses fail, and if the spirit withers away, that I say is the worst of fates!

Second sentence:

Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan: it imitates, and masquerades; for man’s torch can only flare and dim, but remains a speck in a great abyss; the eternal sunset comes closer still, should I live in wait or run to it with all my will?

The sense here is that the writer, especially with the center justify, is trying to be poetic, or has some idea about what that means and is attempting to imitate it. However poetry is not about an out of date style, run-on sentences, dropping articles, or other poor grammatical choices. That is to say, it is not about trying to look or seem poetic. This is, however, not uncommon for the novice poet. This is how we all begin, but we must past beyond the superficial. We must look at what we write and ask, have I said anything that makes sense, and beyond that, have I said anything of value. For the poet, his intent must be clear. He must have clearly in his head what he is saying, even if it is mostly a transcriptions coming from the inner muse, it should still be transcribed as clearly as possible.
Still, before the more esoteric aspects of poetry, there are the skill areas. Here, grammar  comes to the fore the most, once one gets beyond the center justify. The sentences, especially the first one run so long that by the end one wonders what if anything it said. The second sentence while shorter starts with a negative subject "Not life at all", "well" one asks, "if not life, then what?" Unfortunately the reader is never told. One must assume death, but why all this pussyfooting around?

As mentioned earlier this is all commonplace for the beginning writer, the question is can the writer rise above the lack of clarity and bring more to whatever subject matter is on the table. I will look forward to future efforts.

Best,

dale

[EarthwareVessel]

Hi, 



I wrote the following poem which has the theme of life and death. I would like some feedback especially regarding rhyme and rhythm, and whether the arguments I make for picking life over death makes sense to the readers. Thanks!

Most of man knows life as time,
but privy few know that ebbs and tides (ebbs and flows?) not shackled by time,
is what make life divine;    (These lines are a little awkward. What are you trying to say?)
The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,
and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way, (This structure makes all of it run together)
[Delete and]if past the sunset an inferno lies,
I would gladly do good a deed and temper vice today.
[Delete And]As muscle dies and senses fail,
and if the spirit withers away,
that I say is the worst of fates!
Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:
it imitates, and masquerades; (I like the way you wrote this part)
For man’s torch can only flare and dim,
but remains a speck in a great abyss;
The eternal sunset comes closer still,
Should I live in wait or run forth with all my will?

This is a pretty good poem. Definitely a good first draft! Be careful when trying to use old English, make sure you are sure how to use it and how to structure your poem to support it. *Old English comes with knowing how to use it*

[FilthyDeluxe]

I get what you're trying to say and I think using the older sounding english phrasing is brave however the first 4 lines seem awkwardly worded and hard to get right when I read it aloud. I cant wait to see the second draft, how you decide to change this will be very helpful and educational for me too.

[operadiva]

I agree with the formatting comments. I would not have it center justified. As far as rhythm goes, I think some of the lines were too long. I found a way to make them sound the way I think they were intended, but it took some work. The rhyming is pretty good, just make sure none of it sounds forced. Personally, I am not a fan of old English. I am assuming you did that in order to have to syllabic stress you were looking for. Perhaps this poem is more successful when read out loud and performed. I think you have good ideas and trying to say something new about life/death is fantastic. I like the ideas you have, keep working on it. Most importantly, thank you for sharing! L4,5,6 -- i really liked those lines!! 'muscles die and senses fail' also has bleak inevitability to it, i like that. 

thank you again for sharing.

[Khoa Nguyen[NightStalker]]

Hi, 



I wrote the following poem which has the theme of life and death. I would like some feedback especially regarding rhyme and rhythm, and whether the arguments I make for picking life over death makes sense to the readers. Thanks!

Most of man knows life as time,
but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time,
is what make life divine;
The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,
and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way,
and if past the sunset an inferno lies,
I would do good a deed and temper vice today;
And as muscle dies and senses fail,
and if the spirit withers away,
that I say is the worst of fates!
Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:
it imitates, and masquerades;
For man’s torch can only flare and dim,
but remains a speck in a great abyss;
The eternal sunset comes closer still,
Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will?

I would say the claim that life is time, never really got supported.  the eternal sunset is when you run with all your might to keep the sunset up right? like even if you do that time continue and life fades still. when you reach the 24th hour timeline, you skip a day forward.

I like the concept of keeping an eternal sunset, but when you describe it as a somewhat halting time, it's the perspective from earth relative to the sun. but the galaxy clock is still ticking.

[rowens]

It's best never to add anything, or say anything, for the sake of meter or rhyme. Unless you want a flippant or careless tone, you have to say everything you would say in normal speech in your meter and rhyme, and with your other poetry techniques. But it's best not to think of them as techniques, like you're following an instruction manual and assembling something. You want the artifice to be hidden, unless it's part of the game. The poem itself works, but the verse of it is off. Try not to overthink the verse and let the poetry come naturally, if you read lots of poetry and keep trying to write the poem the knack for verse will develop. It seems to me that's better than bogging yourself down with how it should work. You could make more of the eternal sunset than just dying, death and afterdeath. But it does help to bog yourself down with reading lots of good poetry.

[HaleINthewind]

Hi, 



I wrote the following poem which has the theme of life and death. I would like some feedback especially regarding rhyme and rhythm, and whether the arguments I make for picking life over death makes sense to the readers. Thanks!

Most of man knows life as time, *
but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time, *
is what make life divine;
The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,
and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way,*
and if past the sunset an inferno lies,
I would do good a deed and temper vice today;*
And as muscle dies and senses fail,
and if the spirit withers away,*
that I say is the worst of fates!
Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:
it imitates, and masquerades;
For man’s torch can only flare and dim,
but remains a speck in a great abyss;
The eternal sunset comes closer still,*
Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will?*

I have come back to your poem now on multiple occasions hoping to be able to offer something new..... So...
I decided to star all the rhymes I heard and color code them by their match. I may be missing some, there seems to be a few half rhymes i think (divine,time/ dim charatan) ( those may not even be half rhymes but maybe)  and I do not see a visible rhyme scheme. At least with the rhymes I saw it seems a bit random to me. Did you have a clear plan for ryhming when you went into write?

Also even thought I dont know how this line fits in i love the rhythm of " Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan," I think that is the most interesting line of the whole poem. I think it would work great as an opener. Thanks for the read.

[Coquette16]

This is a beautiful poem! With a few adjustments, this would be a poem that would catch my attention immediately in a reading, book store, etc.

Regarding the rhyme/rhythm:
As I simply recorded the sounds at the end of each line, I came up with [long] iii, [long] aa, [long] i, [long] aaaa, [short] e, [long] a, [short] iiii. I think that some slight adjustments to this will make the rhyme more consistent and thus, affect the rhythm.

Throughout the poem, there isn't necessarily a hopeful tone, but a more decisive tone towards life, while not idealizing it/the speaker's choice. Death is recognized, but not feared. I like that about it.

Very nice

Hi, 



I wrote the following poem which has the theme of life and death. I would like some feedback especially regarding rhyme and rhythm, and whether the arguments I make for picking life over death makes sense to the readers. Thanks!

Most of man knows life as time,
but privy few know that ebbs and tides not shackled by time,
is what make life divine;
The eternal sunset on the horizon waves,
and if there is a paradise I would sprint its way,
and if past the sunset an inferno lies,
I would do good a deed and temper vice today;
And as muscle dies and senses fail,
and if the spirit withers away,
that I say is the worst of fates!
Not life at all, but brief mirage, a charlatan:
it imitates, and masquerades;
For man’s torch can only flare and dim,
but remains a speck in a great abyss;
The eternal sunset comes closer still,
Should I live in wait or run to it with all my will?