09-29-2016, 03:00 AM
First, this is my first post here so apologies if it's not yet up to the level of critique offered by the veterans. With that said, I will reiterate that you clearly have a solid piece of work here. I really enjoyed it, though in truth I think that having the brackets creates a bit of interruption at times.
Time to return home.
The flat is four minutes from the supermarket not
including a further minute for the lift and key
fob fumbling.
[ I save seconds every day forgoing my letterbox ]
In the above case I think it provides a useful dynamic and a visualization of the time saved; however, there are some cases where I feel the lines stand strongly for themselves. One example:
The others, do they gaze up?
Do they weep and say:
mmm... skyscraper I love you!
Only a true story if
you work in postcard design, crane rental
or the manufacture of tuned mass dampers.
[ to soothe doomy office workers ]
Perhaps they gather at a set time; surround
the orb and pray. Those on lunch breaks turn to
face the building and blow sky kisses.
[ I'm being ridiculous ]
In both of the above I would suggest that the flow is actually broken up by the outside voice, and in fact the ridiculousness of the second stanza shown above is a nice idea. As the reader, I know you're being dramatic... but I like the suspension of that drama rather than pulling it down with the clarification.
Overall I love the piece, very powerful. I'd only suggest refining the use of the outside (logical) voice. Maybe find the places where it can stand strong without the support of those lines.
Kind Regards,
JJ
Time to return home.
The flat is four minutes from the supermarket not
including a further minute for the lift and key
fob fumbling.
[ I save seconds every day forgoing my letterbox ]
In the above case I think it provides a useful dynamic and a visualization of the time saved; however, there are some cases where I feel the lines stand strongly for themselves. One example:
The others, do they gaze up?
Do they weep and say:
mmm... skyscraper I love you!
Only a true story if
you work in postcard design, crane rental
or the manufacture of tuned mass dampers.
[ to soothe doomy office workers ]
Perhaps they gather at a set time; surround
the orb and pray. Those on lunch breaks turn to
face the building and blow sky kisses.
[ I'm being ridiculous ]
In both of the above I would suggest that the flow is actually broken up by the outside voice, and in fact the ridiculousness of the second stanza shown above is a nice idea. As the reader, I know you're being dramatic... but I like the suspension of that drama rather than pulling it down with the clarification.
Overall I love the piece, very powerful. I'd only suggest refining the use of the outside (logical) voice. Maybe find the places where it can stand strong without the support of those lines.
Kind Regards,
JJ