09-22-2016, 05:39 AM
Hey,
I love the words and sentence-structure you used, makes the rather simple topic ( dreaming about someone) interesting. Here are my comments on sone lines:
I dreamed of you last night.
We spoke for a long while.
I felt your soft, sweet touch again. (Bit of a cliché, I would use other adjectives to describe it since "soft" and "sweet" are often paired together.)
I caught your gentle smile.
We walked along the darkness, (I would prefer a more figurative word for walking, sauntering maybe?)
Passing by familiar shadows.
Nothing seemed to show itself.
Everything was clear.
I came into consciousness;
I knew you could not follow.
But there, again, I found you,
like all the times before.
If it’s just a memory,
I beg it “go away!”
But something stirs inside of me,
like it is something more.
If it were dead I’d bury it.
The issue would be done.
But like a seed I’ve planted,
it’s sprouted in the sun
The gangly roots upon my heart,
I want to tear it out!
So, I close my eyes to sleep
knowing the dream will reoccur. (I would say: knowing that YOU will reoccur)
This time, I think, if we should meet
I’ll say my piece (I would say something like: I'll take my piece, or: break us in two, a broken piece")
A sweet goodbye
So that the love may gently die.
I love the words and sentence-structure you used, makes the rather simple topic ( dreaming about someone) interesting. Here are my comments on sone lines:
I dreamed of you last night.
We spoke for a long while.
I felt your soft, sweet touch again. (Bit of a cliché, I would use other adjectives to describe it since "soft" and "sweet" are often paired together.)
I caught your gentle smile.
We walked along the darkness, (I would prefer a more figurative word for walking, sauntering maybe?)
Passing by familiar shadows.
Nothing seemed to show itself.
Everything was clear.
I came into consciousness;
I knew you could not follow.
But there, again, I found you,
like all the times before.
If it’s just a memory,
I beg it “go away!”
But something stirs inside of me,
like it is something more.
If it were dead I’d bury it.
The issue would be done.
But like a seed I’ve planted,
it’s sprouted in the sun
The gangly roots upon my heart,
I want to tear it out!
So, I close my eyes to sleep
knowing the dream will reoccur. (I would say: knowing that YOU will reoccur)
This time, I think, if we should meet
I’ll say my piece (I would say something like: I'll take my piece, or: break us in two, a broken piece")
A sweet goodbye
So that the love may gently die.