09-12-2016, 10:14 AM
Thank you for your feedback. Very encouraging! And yes, I'm missing an "r." I've only been a member for a day or two now. But I already enjoy all that I am learning from everyone. Knowing and accepting do sound better. I'll be doing my first rewrite ever, taking these into considerArion :
(09-12-2016, 05:04 AM)operadiva Wrote: I enjoyed reading this a lot, and then reading it a few more times! I think the first stanza line 4 might be missing an 'r' in 'your' but maybe not!
The gangly roots upon my heart,
I want to tear it out!
So, I close my eyes to sleep
but the dream will reoccur I don't love the last two lines of this stanza, really the word 'but'. maybe replace it with 'knowing' or 'accepting that', because i feel like the dream coming back is inevitable because it needs to be dealt with. As the reader, I got the sense that the dreamer wants to resolve the issue and the word 'but' changed the tone for me; more passive. especially after the aggression of tearing out the roots. (i love 'gangly roots' by the way!!!)
I love how subtle the rhyming felt. I hate when rhyming feels really forced and unnecessary; this felt natural. The subject is very easy to relate to, and I liked the obscurity, but it could have been balanced with more specifics to make it feel more personal.
Thank you for your time and energy
"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem." - David Carradine