09-12-2016, 05:04 AM
I enjoyed reading this a lot, and then reading it a few more times! I think the first stanza line 4 might be missing an 'r' in 'your' but maybe not!
The gangly roots upon my heart,
I want to tear it out!
So, I close my eyes to sleep
but the dream will reoccur I don't love the last two lines of this stanza, really the word 'but'. maybe replace it with 'knowing' or 'accepting that', because i feel like the dream coming back is inevitable because it needs to be dealt with. As the reader, I got the sense that the dreamer wants to resolve the issue and the word 'but' changed the tone for me; more passive. especially after the aggression of tearing out the roots. (i love 'gangly roots' by the way!!!)
I love how subtle the rhyming felt. I hate when rhyming feels really forced and unnecessary; this felt natural. The subject is very easy to relate to, and I liked the obscurity, but it could have been balanced with more specifics to make it feel more personal.
Thank you for your time and energy
The gangly roots upon my heart,
I want to tear it out!
So, I close my eyes to sleep
but the dream will reoccur I don't love the last two lines of this stanza, really the word 'but'. maybe replace it with 'knowing' or 'accepting that', because i feel like the dream coming back is inevitable because it needs to be dealt with. As the reader, I got the sense that the dreamer wants to resolve the issue and the word 'but' changed the tone for me; more passive. especially after the aggression of tearing out the roots. (i love 'gangly roots' by the way!!!)
I love how subtle the rhyming felt. I hate when rhyming feels really forced and unnecessary; this felt natural. The subject is very easy to relate to, and I liked the obscurity, but it could have been balanced with more specifics to make it feel more personal.
Thank you for your time and energy
Thank you for your time and energy. If you have any thoughts, please let me know.