Stacks

[Lizzie]

Hi Donald! So, this is obviously not the first poem you've ever written! I enjoyed it immensely, actually.

Like Ray, I'm also not having any trouble entering into the scenes through the details provided. I don't have any idea what the poem "means," but I'm not bothered by that if you're not.

A poem which has baffled me as to how long it should be and which bits are important/not. Thanks in advance for feedback!

Stacks -- I would try to think of a title that wasn't so static. There's a lot of movement in the piece, and maybe you could reflect that in the title. Yet, I see that the stacks are like paperweights, yes? Holding everything intact? So, I feel conflicted: I think it appropriately tells me what the poem is about, but it doesn't compel me to read the poem. If I was flipping through an anthology, this title wouldn't seduce me.

Spines tear eventually
with great difficulty. -- it's personal preference here, but I don't like when a poem opens with something that feels like a summary statement or a wrap up of a plot. I like to be immediately introduced to imagery to help me get into the scene, and then you can start to throw Confucius at me. But, I do like how the difficulty bit moves so elegantly into the next stanza.
 
But see the ease of the checkout boy
who whipcracks open a plastic bag.
[ five pence well spent ]
Save my wrist strength for ripping -- the book lover in me says nooooo!
through tomes. -- great detail and sonics in this stanza. Very solid.
 
Time to return home. -- I don't know if the mention of the wrist (as in wristwatch) in the previous stanza was an intentional warning that time's a wastin', but for me that made this another nice transition between stanzas.
[ The flat is  four minutes from the supermarket not including a further minute for the lift and key fob fumbling, I save seconds everyday forgoing my letterbox ] -- regarding the space before 'four,' I would make it larger if it is meant to be intentional. As it is, it looks like a mistake. Also, I love what you're doing with switching up the tone of the speaker's voice. The bits in brackets are my favorites, throughout -- I feel like I'm privy to their secrets. I like the sense of intimacy that this creates, especially since I feel like an ultimate "meaning" is being withheld, this keeps the poem from not engaging me or being simply infuriating.
Pace fast glance only briefly at faces, -- the choppiness of this line isn't working for me, although I do understand that you want to cultivate tension at this point. I think you should at least drop a comma after 'fast' for the sake of readability, but I'm also not in love with 'briefly.' Adverbs are tricky. I'm not even sure that you need it actually, because a glance is by nature brief. If it were my line I would phrase it: Pace fast, glance only at faces.
and never higher,
I warn you. I have a protractor; -- this is just delicious, the idea of a protractor as an intimidating weapon
don't tilt to the sixth, twelfth, eightieth stories,
cricking the neck to look -- cricking is a great word. It's cringetastic.
to the top of the glass sarcophagus.
 
The others, do they gaze up -- should there be a question mark at the end of this line?
Is one of them the mouth that will say:
mmmm skyscraper i love you! -- literally laughed out loud at this line. I love a poem that makes me laugh because something was well done, not because it was so bad!
Only a true story if
you work in postcard design, crane rental
or the manufacture of tuned mass dampers.
[ to soothe doomy office workers. ] -- love the 'doomy' modifier
Perhaps they gather at set time; surround
the orb and pray. Those on lunch breaks turn to
face the building and blow sky kisses.
[ I'm being ridiculous ]
 
No matter,
just keep the cervical curve in check.
The paving stones will always be there to catch me. -- this feels ominous, like foreshadowing a suicide or a fire where one leaps to their death, perhaps?
 
Due to time constraints I have to take the lift; -- I like the time repetitions throughout -- I'm sure there's some "meaning" in there that I haven't found yet.
simply a cheap iron coffin, 'glass sarcophagus' and then 'iron coffin.' I think it's interesting that you use the word cheap; is the lift rickety? I would think that glass would be cheaper material than iron, but more expensive to build with? No criticism here, just letting you know that the mind wonders all sorts of things around these issues, and, depending on your motives for the write, you may view this as satisfying or otherwise. 
for up to 10 residents
to drown in together. -- I like the continued feeling of foreboding. And I like how you've tempered that with the conversational flow so that there's an underlying tremor but not any full on panic.
 
I have neighbours like a dog has fleas
like a teenage has spots -- I also raised an eyebrow at 'teenage'
like a funeral has grief -- loving books and hating neighbors is something I think a lot of poetry readers can relate to
 
Anyway, it's dinner time not simile time;
[ I must watch myself ] -- what I like about this is that it shows some swagger as a writer to put the cleverness out there nakedly, but you do run the risk of beating people over the head with that time theme. Although, I do like how it signals that we're moving into more of an action sequence.
I fold up the bag carefully and add it to the plastic totem.
I microwave all the food which gives me
4 minutes to page tear from a Wolfe. -- I'd prefer: 4 minutes to tear a page from Wolfe. I don't think you need to specify which Wolfe -- I think that this piece is content with letting people wonder a bit.

This stanza almost gives me a feeling like a bomb is being prepared, like the speaker has bought the needed ingredients, rushed home to avoid distractions or veering off course, rehearsed what needs to be done and now it's just 'go time.'
 
I take the ingredients and place them in the centre of the page,
[ I think about an advert I saw earlier ] -- it might be nice to include one detail about the advert that relates it to the narrative. Why was it memorable?
fold the leaf carefully into a fat wonton
just the right size to be swallowed whole,
[I sometimes feel like a nested bird] -- this is my favorite line in the poem. I like how it (and the one about the advert earlier) keep the action from moving too quickly or becoming boring. This 'confession' here, feels somehow pivotal because of its placement. I like how 'nested' seems to link with the stacked theme. However, I don't know how a nested bird feels, so I'm lacking that essential sense of, 'yes, I know what you're talking about,' 'yes, I see truth here.' I think that you're getting away with the ambiguity everywhere else, but this bit needs to speak plainly to the reader. That (imo) is your opportunity to push this whole poem right over the top. In a good way
but it tastes fine and -- 'tastes fine' is a little weak. It doesn't add anything in my opinion. I would add a more evocative word here or cut the line.
it goes down easy.
 
[ and steadies my undreamed sadness from blowing free in the wind ] -- I think that "in the wind" should be cut. It's implied. Also, 'blowing in the wind' sounds a bit cliche, but blowing free sounds nice to my ear.

I hope that some of my ramblings help a little! I look forward to reading your edits!

lizziep