Wings

[nikkisto]

Makeshift, thank you so much for the feedback. I can appreciate each bite and see how it can help, maybe a blending can still make sense after all. And you spotted my soft spot for alliteration and repetition right off the bat. My two favorite techniques haha oddly subtly, my least used at times. Well noted!

First epic, super harsh rewrite attempt:

You were there, I heard you. 

Subtle and soft at my back, Given how economical this poem is I could see ya ditching subtle or soft, as they're kinda meaning the same thing here, though I do like the alliteration

The branches left barren,

 just as I dare to glimpse. This stanza is probably my favorite in the poem, I dig the image/metaphor here, I imagine ghost leaves on a branch something real elusive, and the leaves are the wings, the branch the back. Its pretty.  Maybe omit just? 


You followed me, I felt you. I already "felt you" in the first stanza with "soft at my back"

Creeping into the smallest corners of my life,

casting a cooling shade on my days,  I appreciate how concrete this image is, even if it a little abstract

but stealing away at the edges of sight. Again, I think this sentiment is better expressed in your first stanza: branches left barren/just as I dare to glimpse


Now you’ve come to the light,

Glistening feathers to be seen by all.

You are the crow come to make claim  This is the first line were death comes into play, I'm not sure why but I was thinking of a guardian angle before this. I like the image of the crow.

and you seek shadows no more.

Well I think you may have cut too much! I appreciate the sparseness of the poem. I understand this poem as there being something elusive stalking the narrator and then in the finale stanza it appears. I could see the second stanza being cut all together, and some of the writting from your original being brought back in. As it stands it feels like it lacks much of a point? The original feels like its trying to convey more. I guess my suggestion would be to try to understand what each movement is working towards, then to express that with as much accuracy (show dont tell!) as possible before promptly moving on. I like the end of the original poem and think there is a nice ambiguity as to who is the guide. Hope that helps, and thanks for sharing!

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Art jewel, thanks for the feedback! I think you are right about the just, it does seem to get called as hitch by each reader. Some reworking there for sure. And the stealing away is a much more grounded reference, you're right. I think I have room there to work as well, good catch. As always, thanks for the notes. I will seek to apply them thoughtfully! 

First epic, super harsh rewrite attempt:

You were there, I heard you.
Subtle and soft at my back,
The branches left barren,
 just as I dare to glimpse. -- consider "The branches barren, I dare to glimpse."

You followed me, I felt you.
Creeping into the smallest corners of my life, -- how does the shadow/shade image connect to "wings"? If it's the shade of the wings, clarify that.
casting a cooling shade on my days, 
but stealing away at the edges of sight. -- For me, "stealing away" does not bring to mind flight or wings, but a more grounded movement.

Now you’ve come to the light,
Glistening feathers to be seen by all.
You are the crow come to make claim 
and you seek shadows no more.

I agree with makeshift that it seems you may have cut too much. Do you still intend to call the piece "Wings"? If so, consider bringing that image/metaphor back into the piece more.