08-27-2016, 02:29 PM
Definitely like this one.
Some comments:
Born from a time machine This implies the room was born from a time machine, maybe omit "born" and
use it father down in a way that links to the person in the room
A room does the room make the sounds, or are the sounds in the room?
Buzzes, beeps
My heart flits maybe not "flits" as this means "moves about" or "leaves", maybe revives, stirs, etc.
Almost 9 months shouldn't it be longer than 9 months? maybe omit or indicate somehow that this is "relative" time, not actual
Warmth, milk, sleep I like this
Formula it is maybe a stronger link to "milk" so the artificiality is enhanced
A crib
Stable, bars "stable" is prone to misinterpretation animal-wise
maybe another word
So much time to catch up on since this is a time machine, maybe use a metaphor that doesn't involve the word "time"
Then to now
Is how much time? maybe omit "Is"
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984 using "1984" as a surprise ending really doesn't work because "1984", by now,
is too much of a cliche. While I know this doesn't seem fair, it's the truth. You're going to have to
come up with a different surprise or realization to end it with.
I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with too many comments.
I truly do like the basic premise and visuals.
You have a poem well worth working on, I'm looking forward to seeing your revision.
Some comments:
Born from a time machine This implies the room was born from a time machine, maybe omit "born" and
use it father down in a way that links to the person in the room
A room does the room make the sounds, or are the sounds in the room?
Buzzes, beeps
My heart flits maybe not "flits" as this means "moves about" or "leaves", maybe revives, stirs, etc.
Almost 9 months shouldn't it be longer than 9 months? maybe omit or indicate somehow that this is "relative" time, not actual
Warmth, milk, sleep I like this
Formula it is maybe a stronger link to "milk" so the artificiality is enhanced
A crib
Stable, bars "stable" is prone to misinterpretation animal-wise
maybe another word So much time to catch up on since this is a time machine, maybe use a metaphor that doesn't involve the word "time"
Then to now
Is how much time? maybe omit "Is"
A lifetime times a thousand
To get here
The year 1984 using "1984" as a surprise ending really doesn't work because "1984", by now,
is too much of a cliche. While I know this doesn't seem fair, it's the truth. You're going to have to
come up with a different surprise or realization to end it with.
I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with too many comments.
I truly do like the basic premise and visuals.
You have a poem well worth working on, I'm looking forward to seeing your revision.

