First Posted Poem by Me
#2
Definitely like this one.   
Some comments:

  Born from a time machine   This implies the room was born from a time machine, maybe omit "born" and
                                                          use it father down in a way that links to the person in the room
  A room    does the room make the sounds, or are the sounds in the room?
  Buzzes, beeps     
 
  My heart flits    maybe not "flits" as this means "moves about" or "leaves", maybe revives, stirs, etc.
  Almost 9 months    shouldn't it be longer than 9 months? maybe omit or indicate somehow that this is "relative" time, not actual
  Warmth, milk, sleep   I like this  
     
  Formula it is     maybe a stronger link to "milk" so the artificiality is enhanced
  A crib     
  Stable, bars   "stable" is prone to misinterpretation animal-wise Smile maybe another word   
   
  So much time to catch up on   since this is a time machine, maybe use a metaphor that doesn't involve the word "time"  
  Then to now     
  Is how much time?     maybe omit "Is"
    
  A lifetime times a thousand     
  To get here     
  The year 1984   using "1984" as a surprise ending really doesn't work because "1984", by now,
is too much of a cliche. While I know this doesn't seem fair, it's the truth. You're going to have to
come up with a different surprise or realization to end it with.

I hope I haven't overwhelmed you with too many comments.
I truly do like the basic premise and visuals.
You have a poem well worth working on, I'm looking forward to seeing your revision.
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Messages In This Thread
First Posted Poem by Me - by stampede331 - 08-27-2016, 07:07 AM
RE: First Posted Poem by Me - by next - 08-27-2016, 02:29 PM
RE: First Posted Poem by Me - by CRNDLSM - 08-30-2016, 03:41 AM
RE: First Posted Poem by Me - by Vanity - 08-30-2016, 08:13 AM
RE: First Posted Poem by Me - by stampede331 - 09-06-2016, 01:39 AM
RE: First Posted Poem by Me - by rowens - 09-06-2016, 03:46 AM
RE: First Posted Poem by Me - by Shrewbe - 10-05-2016, 03:17 AM
RE: First Posted Poem by Me - by Reflection - 10-09-2016, 03:27 AM
RE: First Posted Poem by Me - by Sparkydashforth - 12-02-2016, 04:16 AM



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