08-15-2016, 05:10 AM
Except for the rapture line, I like edit #1 the best, there's no emotion left in the last edit, no direction. For me this is much preferable
"The white wardrobe would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. My water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside."
over
"The white wardrobe played
hide-and-seek with me
and my water-filled baton
spun me weightless
as purple glitter."
They say two completely different things. In the first I can see what you are describing, the second is simply a vague image. In the second there is nothing to say the purple glitter is inside of the water which is inside the baton and so the idea of the narr. being weightless makes no sense. The last edit you have done this again and again, just taken out too much.
dale
"The white wardrobe would play
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. My water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside."
over
"The white wardrobe played
hide-and-seek with me
and my water-filled baton
spun me weightless
as purple glitter."
They say two completely different things. In the first I can see what you are describing, the second is simply a vague image. In the second there is nothing to say the purple glitter is inside of the water which is inside the baton and so the idea of the narr. being weightless makes no sense. The last edit you have done this again and again, just taken out too much.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.