08-14-2016, 06:32 PM
New(er) version is up! 
JM: Thanks for helping me to pare back to the essentials. I changed the rapture line to erased. Hope that's more clear and more childlike.
Ellajam: I wanted to do the "leaves" play, but I couldn't make it work in the past tense
Bummer, I always like stealing other people's good ideas 
But, I did take out the "would"s that were so bothersome to you and JM.
And thank you again to everyone else who commented on the original: Ambrosial Revelation, Todd, dukealien, Billy, Kolemath.
Hooray for cooperative poetry!
Go team PigPen!!!
JM: Thanks for helping me to pare back to the essentials. I changed the rapture line to erased. Hope that's more clear and more childlike.
Ellajam: I wanted to do the "leaves" play, but I couldn't make it work in the past tense
Bummer, I always like stealing other people's good ideas But, I did take out the "would"s that were so bothersome to you and JM. And thank you again to everyone else who commented on the original: Ambrosial Revelation, Todd, dukealien, Billy, Kolemath.
Hooray for cooperative poetry!
Go team PigPen!!!