08-10-2016, 08:45 AM
The figurines in the cuckoo room
a mechanism to escape I like these top two lines, they bring me inside the cuckoo clock (once I realize that is what cuckoo room refers to?)
the bane of all desperation is not being able to free them the bane of all desperation is the desperation's bane (distress and annoyance), which sounds like it might actually be a good thing...
a half-covered-moon is only a quarter-of-a-night’s risks. I feel as though these bottom two lines are both too long or are awkwardly worded, but I like what you are trying to do
with this last line, maybe just half-moon instead of half-covered-moon? "quarter-of-a-night's risks" doesn't keep a great rhythm either
fists etched in wood; uncurled very cool, the unmovable moving
battling stiffness and mechanical waves this line sort of just repeats what we've learned in the previous line with "battling stiffness", also mechanical waves puts images in my head
of hard science and not so much the artistic delicate play of gearing
nausea at the start of another twang at three
Pulled by strong movers; intricate gears.
Oh dance marionette, dance along with me.
Oh It was just me.
stretching along the walls of the cubic room once again, cubic gives me an impression of math and geometry and takes away from the artistic mood here I think
in black; a colorless dress,
spun out of energy on a half pirouette,
a slight scrape beneath the foot,
indeed tonight, not the best of nights out I am really digging these last two lines, can't say exactly why haha
Overall a pretty interesting idea with a solid cuckoo clock motif. I think it could use a bit more artistic mechanical imagery.
a mechanism to escape I like these top two lines, they bring me inside the cuckoo clock (once I realize that is what cuckoo room refers to?)
the bane of all desperation is not being able to free them the bane of all desperation is the desperation's bane (distress and annoyance), which sounds like it might actually be a good thing...
a half-covered-moon is only a quarter-of-a-night’s risks. I feel as though these bottom two lines are both too long or are awkwardly worded, but I like what you are trying to do
with this last line, maybe just half-moon instead of half-covered-moon? "quarter-of-a-night's risks" doesn't keep a great rhythm either
fists etched in wood; uncurled very cool, the unmovable moving
battling stiffness and mechanical waves this line sort of just repeats what we've learned in the previous line with "battling stiffness", also mechanical waves puts images in my head
of hard science and not so much the artistic delicate play of gearing
nausea at the start of another twang at three
Pulled by strong movers; intricate gears.
Oh dance marionette, dance along with me.
Oh It was just me.
stretching along the walls of the cubic room once again, cubic gives me an impression of math and geometry and takes away from the artistic mood here I think
in black; a colorless dress,
spun out of energy on a half pirouette,
a slight scrape beneath the foot,
indeed tonight, not the best of nights out I am really digging these last two lines, can't say exactly why haha
Overall a pretty interesting idea with a solid cuckoo clock motif. I think it could use a bit more artistic mechanical imagery.