Lightning Truth

[Taboosun]

My self-contained destiny is expressed in every moment eternally
I bask in all pervading, pre-conceptual valley of truth

My days never end 
Seldom do I ever see the night
Except when I let the darkness of my own soul  
consume my thoughts on the walk through the    
treacherous doubt of uncertainty

My will is my own 

Power is hoarded
 Waiting to be expressed and impressed into the  
Atomic structure of a construct that must of          
Been so elusive to deny me even a momentary    
Pleasure

I aim to capture all positivity 
 Into the scope of intent
  Purified by the passion
   That fuels my direction 
    To seek out experiences that are meaningful        
To me

Any critique is appreciated. Thanks.

[psychonaut]

Hi! This is my first critic so don't hate me if it's not any good. I think that the line "treacherous doubt of uncertainty" is a little weak standing next to the rest of your poem, which in enjoyed very much. Also, its been a long time since I was in grammer school, but should it be "must have been so elusive" instead of "must of been so elusive"?

[ChristopherSea]

Hello, Your language is rather pedantic and this piece is jam-packed with way too many abstractions, which are to be totally avoided in poetry. If you read over the Colin Ward's Poetry Tips (a sidebar near the discussion forum), you will see that your poem breaks almost all of the five 'S' rules.  Distill these intangibles down to their substantive residues and express yourself with more concrete imagery. Select a central metaphor and construct your poem around it. Good luck. /Chris  

[billy]

hi taboosun, welcome to the site.

use some imagery/simile instead of intangibles/abstractions.

i have no idea what the first two lines mean, and the third is a large cliche, [cliche are bad unless used very wisely]
and then the rest of the poem hold no meaning for me, i can't get into or relate to it. make it more than just lines of text. let the reader in on the secret.

[Ivana]

Hi Taboosun,

I understand what the other commentators are saying, but somehow I like your style. I need to dig deep into the meaning of the words and I don't mind in your case. There is a strong abstraction to your words, but I don't think it's meaningless, or unreal, nor that the sentences are disconnected. I think your abstractions are grounded in reality. It's a dramatic reality of seeing yourself in structures of oppression while making efforts to find strength to act out your own agency. At least that is what I make of it.

Maybe, if you always write like this, try to find ways to write more accessible as well.

And yeah "of" should probably be "have".

Best, Ivana

[Wjames]

My self-contained destiny is expressed in every moment eternally
I bask in all pervading, pre-conceptual valley of truth

My days never end 
Seldom do I ever see the night
Except when I let the darkness of my own soul  
consume my thoughts on the walk through the    
 treacherous doubt of uncertainty  

My will is my own 

Power is hoarded
 Waiting to be expressed and impressed into the  
 Atomic structure of a construct that must of          
  Been so elusive to deny me even a momentary    
   Pleasure

I aim to capture all positivity 
 Into the scope of intent
  Purified by the passion
   That fuels my direction 
    To seek out experiences that are meaningful        
    To me 

Any critique is appreciated. Thanks.

What are you passionate about that fuels your direction?

What are the experiences that are meaningful to you?

Let me taste, see, smell, hear, and touch them, and then I might understand your post-conceptual valley of truth.

[Joseph Didis]

Pretty sweet poem on a subject I have been thinking about a lot lately. Or at least the way interpret it, very short: "all we have is now, when we dont conceptualize everything the world becomes a place of so much more beauty". This is from the framework I read it, and will give feedback anyway.

My self-contained destiny is expressed in every moment eternally
I bask in all pervading, pre-conceptual valley of truth    I like this beginning, nice with both yin and yang, basking and valley.

My days never end 
Seldom do I ever see the night    Again nice balance, but as said, bit of a cliche.
Except when I let the darkness of my own soul    You could think of dropping "own" here, sort of saying the same thing twice
consume my thoughts on the walk through the    
 treacherous doubt of uncertainty    Maybe change "treacherous doubt" to a metaphor here

My will is my own 

Power is hoarded
 Waiting to be expressed and impressed into the  
 Atomic structure of a construct that must of          
  Been so elusive to deny me even a momentary    
   Pleasure    Nice passage, I personally don't like the word "atomic", but that is subjective

I aim to capture all positivity 
 Into the scope of intent
  Purified by the passion
   That fuels my direction 
    To seek out experiences that are meaningful        
    To me

Any critique is appreciated. Thanks.

Thank you for sharing, I enjoyed the read

[gmc]

My self-contained destiny is expressed in every moment eternally  I like the concept expressed here.
I bask in all pervading, pre-conceptual valley of truth  Should be "in an all-pervading" I think?  Also like the concept but seems like it could be expressed in simpler terms

My days never end 
Seldom do I ever see the night This line seems to contradict the line above it potentially, if days is meant to be the hours of sunlight, which I feel is meant here only because there
is a line right after it that is about the night.
Except when I let the darkness of my own soul  
consume my thoughts on the walk through the     
treacherous doubt of uncertainty  This line makes the thought described in the last two lines too long for my mind to easily comprehend, reads like a run-on sentence.
Could just be "on the walk through uncertainty."

My will is my own   I like the placement here, but a "my is my own" comes off as common and unoriginal to me, personally. Anything that is mine is my own,
so folks tend to use this obvious redundancy to emphasize a point and catch attention but now I feel as though it is overused.

Power is hoarded
 Waiting to be expressed and impressed into the   
Atomic structure of a construct that must of  "structure of a construct" seems redundant, could just be "impressed into the Atomic construct that must have", also "must of" should be "must have",
Been so elusive to deny me even a momentary     
Pleasure  I like what this stanza seems to be saying, but the structure is a bewildering thing that steals the meaning away by having too many dependent clauses chained together.

I aim to capture all positivity 
Into the scope of intent I really feel like there is meaning in these first two lines
Purified by the passion
That fuels my direction 
To seek out experiences that are meaningful 
To me  But I also feel like the rest of this stanza complicates the message while at the same time making it seem obvious.  Of course most of us are motivated by our passion and fueled in a direction that leads us to having meaningful experiences. 

A lot of interesting ideas in here. I am criticizing heavily with my opinion here, so take what I say with a grain of salt.  

[QDeathstar]

I

My self-contained destiny is expressed in every moment eternally The opening line is a real turn off. It also makes no sense. Self contained destiny is expressed is an oxymoron and every moment eternally is redundant
I bask in all pervading, pre-conceptual valley of truth

My days never end 
Seldom do I ever see the night
Except when I let the darkness of my own soul  
consume my thoughts on the walk through the    
treacherous doubt of uncertainty

My will is my own 

Power is hoarded
 Waiting to be expressed and impressed into the  
Atomic structure of a construct that must of          come on.... did you write this on acid? You are making symbols out of nothing and none of them tie together in any meaningful way. Your thought process is on a bobble head
Been so elusive to deny me even a momentary    
Pleasure [b]horrid line break. Pleasure doesn't stand on its own and you gain nothing by stopping on "momentary"

I aim to capture all positivity 
 Into the scope of intent
  Purified by the passion
   That fuels my direction 
    To seek out experiences that are meaningful        
To me

Any critique is appreciated. Thanks.

Hi. Thanks for writing, that is the hardest part. Starting. However, i feel like this peice has an overly romanticized idea of what poetry is. You've attempted to prettify this poem to the point where it is just a bunch of lace stored in plastic bag. Lace is only useful when it's used as trim. You gotta have something real to hold on too..

the poem kinda reminded me of this song (the lines about not being able to see the night)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9X5opdZigck