08-06-2016, 10:56 PM
Mysterious and atmospheric. I get the pictures (after a brief confusion over "carriages" - in the States this conjures up images of a brougham or magic pumpkin-coach rather than a railway carriage - what would be called here a "passenger car" or "commuter coach" - no critique there, just dialect). See below the line-by-line for general notes.
- Capitalization and punctuation: You begin each stanza with a capital letter, and capitalize proper names (Routine, Numb, and Bedrock). But you do not capitalize the word after a period (beginning of a new sentence). Unless "Carriage" is also a proper name, you might consider lower-case "C" for it or, alternatively, capitalize the first word of each new sentence.
- Verb tense (past/present): You mix past and present tense in a way that might confuse some readers, for example "fakes" and "clung" (present and past tense) very close to each other as noted above. As an experiment, you might try making all verbs present tense ("Routine sits") or all past tense ("Carriage jungle shuddered") and see how you like it.
- Introductions and point of view: You introduce two new (?) characters, "her" and "me," close to the end of the poem. Is this Routine thinking about how he ("me") will explain to "her" why he's so late? The change from third person narrative to first person may need a hint to readers.
- Very technical: Routine is positioned in relation to two others, Numb and Bedrock. "Between" rather than "among" comes to mind here, though if N and B are multiple or somewhat nebulous, "among" is a nice variation.
In general: The more I look at this, the more I find ("Salt Lines" for railway lines, for example). Some editing could make your poem more quickly accessible.
(08-06-2016, 02:04 PM)poet-rice Wrote: Salt LinesQuite enjoyable, after a read or two. General critiques, mostly technical in nature:
Carriage jungle shudders
carry offending souls wayward
touched on to stale eye flickers,
close vacancy, loose cares. nice alliteration, close and loose - one of many
unwashed men in sweat salt
caps consider the white
light lies of thumbed palms,
dumbed psalms of
daily deliverance.
un held sways distract headlight perhaps un-held or unheld?
plays to that sound. rhinestone brakes.
Routine sat considered among his Going from general to specific here - a blank line preceding?
friends Numb and Bedrock.
no words worth utter, no pleasantries.
they remained, to lacerate.
unshaken by crack white slaves
or ignorant children of infants.
they stood, statue to like of concern
or played apathy to road line,
not interest, least curious.
Carriage jungle shudders
assume rights to passage,
but that gutter, fakes folly as is comma here necessary?
Routine clung to clean air. example of mixing past and present tense (this line and last) - see below
blackbirds
murdered for drama-less plays.
end-of-line stupor would dupe her,
heavy to strangled mind from tangled vine.
let me off at the next "me" (after "her") introduced suddenly here
last stop. Couldn't help thinking of Isadora Duncan's freak accidental death ("blackbirds" to here) - personal quirk
- Capitalization and punctuation: You begin each stanza with a capital letter, and capitalize proper names (Routine, Numb, and Bedrock). But you do not capitalize the word after a period (beginning of a new sentence). Unless "Carriage" is also a proper name, you might consider lower-case "C" for it or, alternatively, capitalize the first word of each new sentence.
- Verb tense (past/present): You mix past and present tense in a way that might confuse some readers, for example "fakes" and "clung" (present and past tense) very close to each other as noted above. As an experiment, you might try making all verbs present tense ("Routine sits") or all past tense ("Carriage jungle shuddered") and see how you like it.
- Introductions and point of view: You introduce two new (?) characters, "her" and "me," close to the end of the poem. Is this Routine thinking about how he ("me") will explain to "her" why he's so late? The change from third person narrative to first person may need a hint to readers.
- Very technical: Routine is positioned in relation to two others, Numb and Bedrock. "Between" rather than "among" comes to mind here, though if N and B are multiple or somewhat nebulous, "among" is a nice variation.
In general: The more I look at this, the more I find ("Salt Lines" for railway lines, for example). Some editing could make your poem more quickly accessible.
Non-practicing atheist