08-06-2016, 03:25 PM
I loved the verisimilitude of
rusty wrench
clutched close to your chest, oil in the creases
of your pallid face
The whole build up to this is beautiful.
The subsequent image of 'gray laced capillaries' I find hard to picture. 'Capillary' comes from the Latin for 'hair' (capelli in Italian = hair!), and that implies a solid 3-D object, like a strand of hair, not a 2-D network of facial lines. I suspect that you may have left it in as anticipating 'veins and arteries' in the last two lines, but I didn't find it an effective set up.
I think the last two lines are more effective if you don't 'notice for the first time' - as it tends to shift focus to your surprise, instead of the subsequent image of a bleeding tree.
You might also reconsider 'veins and arteries' - it's not rhythmic, and 'arteries' following 'veins' comes across as lazy thought association.
Eg.
...Looming in the background, a rowan tree
its branches like veins against the sky,
berries bleeding the horizon.
rusty wrench
clutched close to your chest, oil in the creases
of your pallid face
The whole build up to this is beautiful.
The subsequent image of 'gray laced capillaries' I find hard to picture. 'Capillary' comes from the Latin for 'hair' (capelli in Italian = hair!), and that implies a solid 3-D object, like a strand of hair, not a 2-D network of facial lines. I suspect that you may have left it in as anticipating 'veins and arteries' in the last two lines, but I didn't find it an effective set up.
I think the last two lines are more effective if you don't 'notice for the first time' - as it tends to shift focus to your surprise, instead of the subsequent image of a bleeding tree.
You might also reconsider 'veins and arteries' - it's not rhythmic, and 'arteries' following 'veins' comes across as lazy thought association.
Eg.
...Looming in the background, a rowan tree
its branches like veins against the sky,
berries bleeding the horizon.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe