Our Daughters in the Backyard Swing

[kolemath]

EDIT 1

Our Daughters in the Backyard Swing
 
Below volcano San Pedro
a Mayan master weaver hustled you
 
into her dusty blanket shelter
revealing woven Quetzal suns, embroideries of moons and flowers.
 
In Tz’utujil, Spanish, English her finger crooked
toward a blanket swing, hung from nearby trees.
 
“It fits two.”
“Si ella sea pequeñita.”
 
You punched my arm
and pointed toward the one with green and blue.



FIRST DRAFT
Below volcano San Pedro
a Mayan master weaver hustled you
 
into her dusty blanket shelter on the street
to woven Quetzal suns, embroideries of moon and flower.
 
In Tz’utujil, Spanish, English her finger crooked
toward a blanket swing, hung from nearby trees.
 
“It fits two.”
“Si ella sea pequeñita.”
 
You punched my arm
and slapped my laughing chin.

[ellajam]

I love the way the title is so important to the poem. I prefer to think the girls didn't exist, or were two peas or one and a thought, at the time of the purchase. Some notes below.

Below volcano San Pedro
a Mayan master weaver hustled you
 While I like the meaning of hustled I'd prefer a one syllable word here, lured or something better with more of the same meaning.

into her dusty blanket shelter on the street For me, street is not the strongest break of your choices here, maybe a rearrangement.
to woven Quetzal suns, embroideries of moon and flower. You might think about plurals here.
 
In Tz’utujil, Spanish, English her finger crooked Love this line, the list of languages while the crooked finger speaks them all.
toward a blanket swing, hung from nearby trees.
 
“It fits two.”
“Si ella sea pequeñita.”
 
You punched my arm
and slapped my laughing chin. I'm on the fence with this line, a novel way to say grin but sort of awkward. While I don't find the punch too strong the slap seems off, maybe covered.

Thanks for the read.

[kolemath]

Thanks for the critique, ellajam!  I'm happy to have your feedback on a poem and have considered your comments for a revision.  

The pages of my thesaurus are weary having been torn apart looking for a good synonym for hustle. I just couldn't find one to satisfy the poem.

Cheers!

[ellajam]

Tough one. Drew, roped and hooked all have weaving overtones, one of them might work. Sucked into has babe ovetones. Or maybe you can keep hustle and add a bit to L1 for some balance, either "the volcano" or something before "below", shuttling below, ha, only kidding. Good luck and happy poem poking.

[just mercedes]

Hi - I think the revision has tightened your first draft, but there's more tinkering to do.




Our Daughters in the Backyard Swing
 
Below volcano San Pedro
a Mayan master weaver hustled you Does the poem need the fact that she's a master weaver? I think this line is clunky, and something must go. There's a tension for me between 'master weaver' and hustling.
 
into her dusty blanket shelter
revealing woven Quetzal suns, embroideries of moons and flowers. too passive and prosey
 
In Tz’utujil, Spanish, English her finger crooked    Great imagery, active
toward a blanket swing, hung from nearby trees. Trees inside the shelter? Hard to picture.
 
“It fits two.”
“Si ella sea pequeñita.” I like this aside in Spanish
 
You punched my arm
and pointed toward the one with green and blue. I thought there was only one blanket swing? Again, this line feels prosey.


I like the way your poem starts in the distance, on the volcano, then pulls in, past people, into the blanket shelter, and focuses on fine weaving and delicate embroidery. Your reader moves closer, from everything, to a particular part of the scene.
I like the focus on the finger, and 'her finger crooked' reflects for me back into the painstaking, and often painful, work of weaving and embroidery.

I like the direct speech and the intimacy shown. But I had no idea what the poem was about without the title. I think I want to know what prompted the narrator to follow that chain of memory, it would help me make some kind of emotional connection. At the moment I'm not doing that.

I hope I haven't been remiss with this crit in Mild; the poem is worth spending more time on. Thanks for posting it.

[ellajam]

I know I had issues with the last line, but I think you traded something with oomph and humor for something that means nothing to me. Sorry if I misled you, I know you can do better. Keep at it.

[Achebe]

EDIT 1

Our Daughters in the Backyard Swing
 
Below volcano San Pedro
a Mayan master weaver hustled you   ....there's a hint of - perhaps irony, but more like a sad but funny- in 'master weaver hustled' that I think gives a nice little slant to the line.
into her dusty blanket shelter
revealing woven Quetzal suns, embroideries of moons and flowers.  ....loved 'Quetzal suns'. I can see the patterns in my head.

In Tz’utujil, Spanish, English her finger crooked ...loved the verb + adjective of 'crooked'
toward a blanket swing, hung from nearby trees.
 
“It fits two.”
“Si ella sea pequeñita.”
 
You punched my arm
and pointed toward the one with green and blue. ....I preferred the original ending. A 'laughing chin' is not a physical possibility, but creates a vivid picture. I think 'green and blue' is visually much weaker than 'Quetzal suns', and hence makes for a comedown.



FIRST DRAFT
Below volcano San Pedro
a Mayan master weaver hustled you
 
into her dusty blanket shelter on the street
to woven Quetzal suns, embroideries of moon and flower.
 
In Tz’utujil, Spanish, English her finger crooked
toward a blanket swing, hung from nearby trees.
 
“It fits two.”
“Si ella sea pequeñita.”
 
You punched my arm
and slapped my laughing chin.

[sapril]

this is such a blending of worlds. It's really beautiful and you've mastered the elusive gift of storytelling inside a nice compacted poem. I've read the re-writes and i find you've adjusted brilliantly. In my opinion I adore, "laughing chin" because it really feels like you can't read that without thinking of a small face all crinkled and folded with giggles etching into them. well done, i love it.