08-04-2016, 06:09 AM
glimpsing darkness
Truly seeing- I wouldn't start with an adverb, also if the air is black how can you see? This is also a sentence fragment and not a complete sentence.
in the black air.
Adjusting to- you could use this as your opening stanza as I don't think the current opening stanza works. We get a hint here that the narrator is having some sort of revelation yet to be revealed
coming through it.
A passenger
and sometimes I
am the driver.- While I understand what you are saying, this is very awkwardly phrased and needs to be reworked.
In a tunnel- describe the tunnel
that I had to
pass through - without- what and why did you have to pass through?
a shortcut and
with no way to
shut my eyes tight
and let it go - let what go
whistling by - rushed.
As a favor.- I don't understand this
I had to pay
deliverance.
To smell the smoke
and worry about
suffocation.= This is nice but how did you pay
To see the light
I had to do it.
To ride through it.- I like the ending
I think this has legs but at the moment it reads very much like a diary entry, there is little to engage the reader, we don't know the specifics of the crisis and therefore can't relate to it. The beauty of poetry is in the details. There isn't enough to draw the reader in in its current form and ultimately raises more questions than it solves. There is a nice tone and pace but the lack of concretes is glaring. Hope this helps! Good luck on the revision
Truly seeing- I wouldn't start with an adverb, also if the air is black how can you see? This is also a sentence fragment and not a complete sentence.
in the black air.
Adjusting to- you could use this as your opening stanza as I don't think the current opening stanza works. We get a hint here that the narrator is having some sort of revelation yet to be revealed
coming through it.
A passenger
and sometimes I
am the driver.- While I understand what you are saying, this is very awkwardly phrased and needs to be reworked.
In a tunnel- describe the tunnel
that I had to
pass through - without- what and why did you have to pass through?
a shortcut and
with no way to
shut my eyes tight
and let it go - let what go
whistling by - rushed.
As a favor.- I don't understand this
I had to pay
deliverance.
To smell the smoke
and worry about
suffocation.= This is nice but how did you pay
To see the light
I had to do it.
To ride through it.- I like the ending
I think this has legs but at the moment it reads very much like a diary entry, there is little to engage the reader, we don't know the specifics of the crisis and therefore can't relate to it. The beauty of poetry is in the details. There isn't enough to draw the reader in in its current form and ultimately raises more questions than it solves. There is a nice tone and pace but the lack of concretes is glaring. Hope this helps! Good luck on the revision