From Youth to Youth(Edit 1)

[Weeded]

Wipmp,
Thanks for the feedback again, im working on the punctuation, will post soon,
mike

---

Edit 1

I stood there like a boy,
in reality I am
standing at the edge of a murky ditch
debating whether to jump -- I do feel like the interpretation of this is impacted by the punctuation, or lack thereof. It's not clear what "reality" is referring to. It could read "I stood there like a boy. In reality I am standing at the edge of a murky ditch..." or it could read "I stood there like a boy (in reality I am), standing at the edge of a murky ditch..." Also, you have a stood/standing problem, and you need to clarify if this is happening in the past or the present. I suspect it's a bit of both, but right now it's just confusing. 

I hesitantly sit -- here you have an inconsistency with the final stanza where the speaker says they are stepping out into the sun (being released, I presume). But, here the speaker is being booked. But, they're both stated in the present tense. 
on a blood stained bench
my own blood dressing me -- I feel like you're alluding to previous events that led to the booking of the speaker. Is this accurate? If so, maybe a line or two explaining how the speaker ended up in this predicament. If you don't want to go there, then this reference should be dropped. 
next to a killer, a thief
in pre-book one
impatiently waiting to go up -- here I'm wondering where "up" is. Going before the judge, I'm assuming? I'm having to assume a lot, and I presume that much of it is incorrect. 

I fondly reminisce -- I think you need to place the speaker in time and space here. Sitting in a cell? Is this a continuation of place from the last stanza? If feels disconnected, but it's actually a crucial part of the story. 
how I played in that ditch
shamelessly muddy,
my mother would scream how I make her worry
she'd say "son! The ditch is for dirt and ditch-diggers,"
I'd say "but mom there's tadpoles,"
No matter what she said
I wouldn't listen. -- I think that the ditch could work well as a metaphor for the dirtiness of life. The mother's admonitions and the speaker's strong nature make for a compelling backstory. I want this to be an actual ditch with actual dirt so that there's some kind of physical reality to use as a launching pad for the ditch metaphor. 

I grew up into a tadpole that night, -- you haven't previously talked about this night, that I'm aware of, so it doesn't work to refer back to it. You need to place this within the context of the broader narrative (which you need to tell instead of alluding). I would also think about "became one of the tadpoles" instead of "grew up into one." It's throwing me off because tadpoles are babies.  
reborn in a new kind of ditch
when they told me to strip
lift my nutsack, now cough,
when they gave me a jumpsuit
double XL for a large,
when I carried my life in a knapsack
up an elevator with no buttons, -- These last 8 lines provide great detail. This is more of the detail that you need, placing the speaker and giving the reader a narrative to connect to. 
when I stood outside the glass wall penetrated 
by looking eyes of childish freedom. -- the phrasing of these last two lines is very awkward. Especially in the context of a poem about prison, penetrated makes me think of sex, and I'm not sure that's what you're going for. Who is looking? I think that the freedom/prison juxtaposition could yield good things. 

They'd say "wassup dog, -- specify who "they" is. I'm assuming it's other tadpoles? 
you bang?" I met a tadpole: 
Panda Locs East Side Fresno
was his full name.
I wondered what kind of man -- later you say that the speaker is not a man but still a tadpole, but here you're referring to this character as both a man and a tadpole. I'd clear up this discrepancy. 
chose such a name,
what kind of name he would've chosen
had he not been a tadpole. -- I do like the bit about this person, PLESF, for short. Good detail, again. 
As he rushed into battle -- what battle?
I put my thoughts aside -- which thoughts? 
and let hands collide. -- I'm assuming this is a fight, but I don't know with whom or for what purpose. I'm also not sure what this adds to the story line. Nothing seems to come of it. 

30 days in the ditch passes quick for a tadpole,
I trade a jumpsuit for my name
with the cut of a wristband I'm free
to be a tadpole or frog,
I daydream of kissing a princess,
transforming into a man,
but lifes no fairy tale,
there are no princesses. -- I actually like the princess kissing the frog scenario. It works for me. 

As I step into a forgotten sun 
and hear the bustle of the city -- these two lines and the last line give great detail and provide great visualization of the scene for me. 
I fondly reminisce
how I played in that ditch -- I don't know if the fault here is mine, but I'm wondering which ditch? I have it in my head that there is an actual ditch that the speaker used to play in and then there's the metaphor of the ditch to symbolize jail. Or is the ditch just the jail? 
and light a stale cigarette. 


Original

I stood there like a boy,
in reality I am,
standing at the edge of a murky ditch
debating whether to jump
I hesitantly sit

on a blood stained bench
I fondly reminisce
how I played in that ditch
shamelessly muddy,
my mother would scream how I make her worry
she'd say "son! The ditch is for dirt and ditch-diggers,"
I'd say "but mom there's tadpoles,"
No matter what she said
I wouldn't listen.

I played in that ditch all my life,
we'd move I'd find a new one
with little tadpoles that never grow.

I grew up into a tadpole
squirming in the ditch
with fellow tadpoles,
they'd say "wassup dog,
you bang?" I met a tadpole:
Panda Locs East Side Fresno
was his full name.

30 days in the ditch passes quick for a tadpole,
they tell me be a frog and ribbet,
eat a fly or something, anything,
but I'm a tadpole
I just wanna squiggle 
in the ditch 
with my fellow young tadpoles.

Ok, about the punctuation. It's a real issue -- go all in or all out. Personally, I'd go in because of aforementioned issues with narrative clarity, but it's your choice. 

You have all the makings of a great story, you just need to tell it. 

I feel like this edit is stronger than the original version and gives us a handle on how to interpret the poem. You're moving in the right direction. 

Looking forward to what you'll do with the next edit.  

All the best to you, 

lizziep

Hey there lizzie,
I made a lengthy reply to this the other day but lost it all
But thanks so much for critique, I'm working off your every suggestion as theyre all great!
I agree with you on the tense issue, my initial approach was the cause for the confusion I think, I've stepped back and reworked it so the order of events is a bit more sensible,
and there is a bit of a vernacular issue, im working on that as well.
And as far as the 'penetrating' bit, I threw that in there kind of wondering if it would throw the reader in that awkward "is this intended to be sexual" frame of mind. It's certainly relevant, still not sure if I plan to keep it though.
As for the rest youre absolutely right, im almost done with the rewrite thanks to you, I appreciate the time you took with this one!
mike