07-30-2016, 06:05 PM
The figurines in the cuckoo room
a mechanism to escape
the bane of all desperation is not being able to free them
a half-covered-moon is only a quarter-of-a-night’s risks.
*** There is a story you are trying to tell here, one that speaks about the figurines not being able to be free from...?
Your sudden shift about the half covered moon is clever with the word play and numbers, I guess the nights risk is what i want to get clarity on. Is the night the antagonist and plight that the figurines want to escape from?
fists etched in wood; uncurled
battling stiffness and mechanical waves
nausea at the start of another twang at three
Pulled by strong movers; intricate gears.
Oh dance marionette, dance along with me.
Oh It was just me.
*** I think of a puppet when I read the first line. One that comes to life and discovering that it has consciousness. I like the play on words here, the Twang the strings of an instrument can make... you draw the attention to the time when you say 3, giving an estimate of time. Does that mean more than a quarter of the night has gone by or is that in fact still part of the nights quarter?
stretching along the walls of the cubic room
in black; a colorless dress,
spun out of energy on a half pirouette,
a slight scrape beneath the foot,
indeed tonight, not the best of nights out
*** This last verse is not one of my favourites in your piece. The black box, the colourless dress its just doesn't create a colourful image. This adds to ( ironically ) the lack of energy the ending has in this piece.
You start strong, the ending could contain the same energy in my opinion.
I look forward to reading more of your work! Thanks for sharing
a mechanism to escape
the bane of all desperation is not being able to free them
a half-covered-moon is only a quarter-of-a-night’s risks.
*** There is a story you are trying to tell here, one that speaks about the figurines not being able to be free from...?
Your sudden shift about the half covered moon is clever with the word play and numbers, I guess the nights risk is what i want to get clarity on. Is the night the antagonist and plight that the figurines want to escape from?
fists etched in wood; uncurled
battling stiffness and mechanical waves
nausea at the start of another twang at three
Pulled by strong movers; intricate gears.
Oh dance marionette, dance along with me.
Oh It was just me.
*** I think of a puppet when I read the first line. One that comes to life and discovering that it has consciousness. I like the play on words here, the Twang the strings of an instrument can make... you draw the attention to the time when you say 3, giving an estimate of time. Does that mean more than a quarter of the night has gone by or is that in fact still part of the nights quarter?
stretching along the walls of the cubic room
in black; a colorless dress,
spun out of energy on a half pirouette,
a slight scrape beneath the foot,
indeed tonight, not the best of nights out
*** This last verse is not one of my favourites in your piece. The black box, the colourless dress its just doesn't create a colourful image. This adds to ( ironically ) the lack of energy the ending has in this piece.
You start strong, the ending could contain the same energy in my opinion.
I look forward to reading more of your work! Thanks for sharing