07-30-2016, 07:11 AM
I like this poem, especially its imagery, its extended metaphor.
Here are a few things that tripped me up and that you might consider re-working:
The figurines in the cuckoo room
a mechanism to escape <- As stated, the figurines are the mechanism of escape. If you mean that
the protagonist must figure out a way to release them, then you need to re-word it to make this clear.
Also you should consider changing "figurines" to "figurine" so that it agrees with the singular
"marionette" in stanza 2.
the bane of all desperation is not being able to free them <- "bane of all desperation" means that "desperation" is
distressed. You probably want to re-word it to express that your protagonist is distressed and desperate.
a half-covered-moon is only a quarter-of-a-night’s risks. <- This needs to be clearer.
fists etched in wood; uncurled <- Great! But that "uncurled" should be "uncurl" as the fingers of a fist aren't uncurled to begin with.
battling stiffness and mechanical waves <- I love "battling stiffness". Maybe "waves" needs changing to something else?
nausea at the start of another twang at three <- Like this, the figure as prisoner/slave is a strong metaphor, one that you've made work well.
Pulled by strong movers; intricate gears. <- Good!
Oh dance marionette, dance along with me. <- Maybe leave out both "Oh"s as it's a bit cliched to use them.
Oh It was just me. <- I like the realization that the figurine was you; very good!
stretching along the walls of the cubic room <- Since rooms are close to "cubic" already, I think this word isn't necessary.
in black; a colorless dress, <- Is the room black and the dress colorless? Needs to be clearer.
spun out of energy on a half pirouette, <- wonderful
a slight scrape beneath the foot, <- Maybe "the" should be "my" as you've revealed this at the end of stanza 2.
indeed tonight, not the best of nights out <- I know that the protagonist has just come back to reality, to the fact that she
has just physically come back as well. I love this! But maybe it should be expressed a bit stronger.
I really like your poem, especially the "protagonist as figurine" metaphor. What I particularly like are the hints to the deeper layers
of the woman's life; and at a deeper layer still, to the position, the half pirouette, that all women find themselves in.
Well conceived.
(Maybe this is too much critique for novice? Forgive me if it is, I'm new here.)
Here are a few things that tripped me up and that you might consider re-working:
The figurines in the cuckoo room
a mechanism to escape <- As stated, the figurines are the mechanism of escape. If you mean that
the protagonist must figure out a way to release them, then you need to re-word it to make this clear.
Also you should consider changing "figurines" to "figurine" so that it agrees with the singular
"marionette" in stanza 2.
the bane of all desperation is not being able to free them <- "bane of all desperation" means that "desperation" is
distressed. You probably want to re-word it to express that your protagonist is distressed and desperate.
a half-covered-moon is only a quarter-of-a-night’s risks. <- This needs to be clearer.
fists etched in wood; uncurled <- Great! But that "uncurled" should be "uncurl" as the fingers of a fist aren't uncurled to begin with.
battling stiffness and mechanical waves <- I love "battling stiffness". Maybe "waves" needs changing to something else?
nausea at the start of another twang at three <- Like this, the figure as prisoner/slave is a strong metaphor, one that you've made work well.
Pulled by strong movers; intricate gears. <- Good!
Oh dance marionette, dance along with me. <- Maybe leave out both "Oh"s as it's a bit cliched to use them.
Oh It was just me. <- I like the realization that the figurine was you; very good!
stretching along the walls of the cubic room <- Since rooms are close to "cubic" already, I think this word isn't necessary.
in black; a colorless dress, <- Is the room black and the dress colorless? Needs to be clearer.
spun out of energy on a half pirouette, <- wonderful
a slight scrape beneath the foot, <- Maybe "the" should be "my" as you've revealed this at the end of stanza 2.
indeed tonight, not the best of nights out <- I know that the protagonist has just come back to reality, to the fact that she
has just physically come back as well. I love this! But maybe it should be expressed a bit stronger.
I really like your poem, especially the "protagonist as figurine" metaphor. What I particularly like are the hints to the deeper layers
of the woman's life; and at a deeper layer still, to the position, the half pirouette, that all women find themselves in.
Well conceived.
(Maybe this is too much critique for novice? Forgive me if it is, I'm new here.)
