07-08-2016, 10:48 AM
I remember the afternoons and the light.
The white wardrobe would play(ed)
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. My water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside.
The concrete jungle-gym
would h(e)ld me on its shoulders
and showed me a playground
(peopled as after the rapture). There's something clunky about this for me. I'm not sure of the image you're showing me - emptiness? dead bodies?
My brother would go (went) away
to school and mom would do(did) dishes in silence. I really like this line, you've said so much about loss.
She was a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top. This is a strong closing image; OK it's confusing, but I like that.
You've really pared down your poem from the first draft. It feels a lot more focused. My main moan is about the use of 'would' - I prefer a simple past tense overall. The repetition becomes (dare I say it?) wooden.
You've shown a particular place and time, and peopled it. The mood, of happiness and melancholy, nicely balanced. I liked the colours, purple and green - two of my favourites.
The white wardrobe would play(ed)
hide-and-seek with me as I climbed
in and out. My water-filled baton
spun me until I felt weightless
as the purple glitter inside.
The concrete jungle-gym
would h(e)ld me on its shoulders
and showed me a playground
(peopled as after the rapture). There's something clunky about this for me. I'm not sure of the image you're showing me - emptiness? dead bodies?
My brother would go (went) away
to school and mom would do(did) dishes in silence. I really like this line, you've said so much about loss.
She was a tree whose leaves were green
only at the very top. This is a strong closing image; OK it's confusing, but I like that.
You've really pared down your poem from the first draft. It feels a lot more focused. My main moan is about the use of 'would' - I prefer a simple past tense overall. The repetition becomes (dare I say it?) wooden.
You've shown a particular place and time, and peopled it. The mood, of happiness and melancholy, nicely balanced. I liked the colours, purple and green - two of my favourites.