06-26-2016, 07:36 AM
The exaggerated hyperbole at the start is disruptive to the poem as it produces only incredulity and causes the reader to pause, which is never a good thing. Maybe drop it down to A thousand instead. Keeps a person from getting stuck on "how can anyone see something "a million times. More than that, a million more..."
"I've seen that toilet seat a thousand times; pink painted round its hole."
Does that really change the meaning in a significant way. If it does for you, it is not clear, or I am dense. 50/50
The punctuation in S2 is a little rough. need an "an" after "and" in S1 L5.
The idea of something "dripping out our sloppy toilet love." seems a bit nonsensical. Overflows, sloshes, etc., yes, but drips? Possibly dripping over the toilet if you are referring to the puke.
"gold and trinity" I have no idea. Individually I understand these two words, but they make no sense to me when combined. I suppose trinity could be an oblique reference to the Christian god.
Oh yes, I wanted to ask, when the speaker says "dripping out our sloppy toilet love" is this the same toilet that was referred to above. I think the writer would have to forgive the reader for drawing that conclusion.
Good to see you around, sorry I could not really offer much in the way of decent criticism.
dale
PS Sorry. For some reason I misread the title (I thought it said "this year") which puts it in a different light. Brain fart day I guess. Will return later to see if it makes more sense.
"I've seen that toilet seat a thousand times; pink painted round its hole."
Does that really change the meaning in a significant way. If it does for you, it is not clear, or I am dense. 50/50
The punctuation in S2 is a little rough. need an "an" after "and" in S1 L5.
The idea of something "dripping out our sloppy toilet love." seems a bit nonsensical. Overflows, sloshes, etc., yes, but drips? Possibly dripping over the toilet if you are referring to the puke.
"gold and trinity" I have no idea. Individually I understand these two words, but they make no sense to me when combined. I suppose trinity could be an oblique reference to the Christian god.
Oh yes, I wanted to ask, when the speaker says "dripping out our sloppy toilet love" is this the same toilet that was referred to above. I think the writer would have to forgive the reader for drawing that conclusion.
Good to see you around, sorry I could not really offer much in the way of decent criticism.
dale
PS Sorry. For some reason I misread the title (I thought it said "this year") which puts it in a different light. Brain fart day I guess. Will return later to see if it makes more sense.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.