06-21-2016, 05:51 PM
First time critique 
I like that it's about something real; there are so many poems about abstract things.
"Like an internal hurricane" is a bit cliche. Probably should change it.
"Devastating metabolism." - maybe: "Devastating my metabolism."
"... telepathic head count" isn't logical. It means you're reading your own mind from a distance.
While this is certainly a possible metaphor, something simpler that means "I assess myself",
only said more poetically, would be better.
"Before I go for labs;" - you know that "labs" means "medical tests", but I'm not sure a reader might.
"Free T4 and TSH." - Again, these are the abbreviated names for lab tests that most readers wouldn't
know. Not sure how you'd change it, but something more generally understood would be better.
"My energy floats on waves" - You're energy depends on hormonal tides? Not sure.
"Everyone is accounted for;
All the primaries in place
Until someone dies or moves
To another state." - medical care is proportioned and there's no place for you? Needs to be clearer.
"who’ll take the head count" - Who's taking the head count? You, or the doctor?
"Monitoring the size of my thyroid." - Does size have to do with how much hormone your thyroid
puts out and that's what gives you fatigue? Again, it's inside information that most readers may not know.
It's hard to write about a medical condition, I applaud you for trying. But for this poem to be effective,
it really needs to communicate that condition to the reader. I certainly don't know how to do this.
What does come through is the suffering, the trials that must be endured; so maybe that's enough
and I'm trying to be too logical. So don't be discouraged, most writers wouldn't attempt a subject
this difficult. Hope this helps in some way. - next
I like that it's about something real; there are so many poems about abstract things.
"Like an internal hurricane" is a bit cliche. Probably should change it.
"Devastating metabolism." - maybe: "Devastating my metabolism."
"... telepathic head count" isn't logical. It means you're reading your own mind from a distance.
While this is certainly a possible metaphor, something simpler that means "I assess myself",
only said more poetically, would be better.
"Before I go for labs;" - you know that "labs" means "medical tests", but I'm not sure a reader might.
"Free T4 and TSH." - Again, these are the abbreviated names for lab tests that most readers wouldn't
know. Not sure how you'd change it, but something more generally understood would be better.
"My energy floats on waves" - You're energy depends on hormonal tides? Not sure.
"Everyone is accounted for;
All the primaries in place
Until someone dies or moves
To another state." - medical care is proportioned and there's no place for you? Needs to be clearer.
"who’ll take the head count" - Who's taking the head count? You, or the doctor?
"Monitoring the size of my thyroid." - Does size have to do with how much hormone your thyroid
puts out and that's what gives you fatigue? Again, it's inside information that most readers may not know.
It's hard to write about a medical condition, I applaud you for trying. But for this poem to be effective,
it really needs to communicate that condition to the reader. I certainly don't know how to do this.
What does come through is the suffering, the trials that must be endured; so maybe that's enough
and I'm trying to be too logical. So don't be discouraged, most writers wouldn't attempt a subject
this difficult. Hope this helps in some way. - next