Poetry Forum

Thyroid

Hormonal imbalance wrecks me
Like an internal hurricane
Devastating metabolism.
 
I take a telepathic head count
Before I go for labs;
Free T4 and TSH.
 
My energy floats on waves
Bringing stress to the simplest days,
And the medication hits my liver
Like twenty alcoholics
 
Everyone is accounted for;
All the primaries in place
Until someone dies or moves
To another state.
 
I drop radioactive iodine
On the doctor’s call,
And wonder who’ll take the head count
When I’m gone.
 
Four weeks later;
I’m the rendering of fatigue;
Monitoring the size of my thyroid.
 
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Revision 1 (working with word choices)

Thyroid

 
 
Hormonal imbalance wrecks me
Like an internal hurricane
Devastating metabolism.
 
I take a telepathic head count
Before I go to diagnostics for blood work
Every six weeks.
 
My energy floats on waves
Bringing stress to the mellowest existence
And the medication hits my liver
Like twenty alcoholics.
 
Everyone is accounted for;
All the primaries, established
Until someone dies or moves
To another state.
 
I drop radioactive iodine
On the doctor’s call,
And wonder who’ll take the head count
When I’m gone.
 
Four weeks later;
I’m the rendering of fatigue;
Monitoring the size of my thyroid.
 

I'm still not sure what I want to do with S1...

First time critique

I like that it's about something real; there are so many poems about abstract things.

"Like an internal hurricane" is a bit cliche. Probably should change it.
"Devastating metabolism." - maybe: "Devastating my metabolism."
"... telepathic head count" isn't logical. It means you're reading your own mind from a distance.
While this is certainly a possible metaphor, something simpler that means "I assess myself",
only said more poetically, would be better.
"Before I go for labs;" - you know that "labs" means "medical tests", but I'm not sure a reader might.
"Free T4 and TSH." - Again, these are the abbreviated names for lab tests that most readers wouldn't
know. Not sure how you'd change it, but something more generally understood would be better.
"My energy floats on waves" - You're energy depends on hormonal tides? Not sure.
"Everyone is accounted for;
All the primaries in place
Until someone dies or moves
To another state." - medical care is proportioned and there's no place for you? Needs to be clearer.
"who’ll take the head count" - Who's taking the head count? You, or the doctor?
"Monitoring the size of my thyroid." - Does size have to do with how much hormone your thyroid
puts out and that's what gives you fatigue? Again, it's inside information that most readers may not know.

It's hard to write about a medical condition, I applaud you for trying. But for this poem to be effective,
it really needs to communicate that condition to the reader. I certainly don't know how to do this.
What does come through is the suffering, the trials that must be endured; so maybe that's enough
and I'm trying to be too logical. So don't be discouraged, most writers wouldn't attempt a subject
this difficult. Hope this helps in some way. - next

In the last verse, should the first semi-colon be a colon, and the second a comma? The rhyme of "waves" and "days" in the third verse feels amateurish because it's unsupported by a distinctive and consistent meter. Otherwise, I liked this poem. It makes an intriguing and entertaining progression from irreverence to seriousness and even tragedy. Thank you for the read

(06-21-2016, 10:41 PM)Heslopian Wrote: [ -> ]In the last verse, should the first semi-colon be a colon, and the second a comma? The rhyme of "waves" and "days" in the third verse feels amateurish because it's unsupported by a distinctive and consistent meter. Otherwise, I liked this poem. It makes an intriguing and entertaining progression from irreverence to seriousness and even tragedy. Thank you for the read

Heslopian,

I often find myself incorporating rime into free verse and always break away from letting it write my work. And the great thing (to me) about free verse is its irregularity. We don't find rime supported by either distinctive or consistent meter; if we did, it wouldn't be free verse. Although my word choices do need some consideration in revision; the semi-colon should be replaced with a colon.

Thank you for reading and commenting

Luna

---

(06-21-2016, 05:51 PM)next Wrote: [ -> ]First time critique

I like that it's about something real; there are so many poems about abstract things.

"Like an internal hurricane" is a bit cliche. Probably should change it.
"Devastating metabolism." - maybe: "Devastating my metabolism."
"... telepathic head count" isn't logical. It means you're reading your own mind from a distance.
While this is certainly a possible metaphor, something simpler that means "I assess myself",
only said more poetically, would be better.
"Before I go for labs;" - you know that "labs" means "medical tests", but I'm not sure a reader might.
"Free T4 and TSH." - Again, these are the abbreviated names for lab tests that most readers wouldn't
know. Not sure how you'd change it, but something more generally understood would be better.
"My energy floats on waves" - You're energy depends on hormonal tides? Not sure.
"Everyone is accounted for;
All the primaries in place
Until someone dies or moves
To another state." - medical care is proportioned and there's no place for you? Needs to be clearer.
"who’ll take the head count" - Who's taking the head count? You, or the doctor?
"Monitoring the size of my thyroid." - Does size have to do with how much hormone your thyroid
puts out and that's what gives you fatigue? Again, it's inside information that most readers may not know.

It's hard to write about a medical condition, I applaud you for trying. But for this poem to be effective,
it really needs to communicate that condition to the reader. I certainly don't know how to do this.
What does come through is the suffering, the trials that must be endured; so maybe that's enough
and I'm trying to be too logical. So don't be discouraged, most writers wouldn't attempt a subject
this difficult. Hope this helps in some way. - next

Next,

Your critique is a bit hard to read  but I do want to thank you for reading and taking the time to comment.

Luna

The critique is a solid line by line with some interesting points and is suitable for this forum. Maybe you could try reading it again. ella/mod

Yeah sort of cliche ridden.

This line

"I take a telepathic head count" makes no sense. Telepathy is communication between minds. Maybe telekinetic would be more of a fit.

Plus it seems a bit overblown. I have pretty bad thyroid problems along with with worse things. I'm all for hyperbole, but this seems to push things a bit far. Actually this seems much more energetic than someone with fatigue would tend to write.


Best,

dale

(06-22-2016, 05:19 AM)Erthona Wrote: [ -> ]Yeah sort of cliche ridden.

This line

"I take a telepathic head count" makes no sense. Telepathy is communication between minds. Maybe telekinetic would be more of a fit.

Plus it seems a bit overblown. I have pretty bad thyroid problems along with with worse things. I'm all for hyperbole, but this seems to push things a bit far.  Actually this seems much more energetic than someone with fatigue would tend to write.    


Best,

dale

Dale,

Telepathic head count is used in the context of one human being's light energy, projected from the eye, connecting with another's light energy. So when someone would want to make sure everyone's accounted for, the afternoon- after, they'd project their light energy on a thought to make a connection. Sound's crazy, doesn't it?

Thanks for reading and commenting,

Luna

(06-21-2016, 12:52 AM)LunaDeLore Wrote: [ -> ]Thyroid

Hormonal imbalance wrecks me
Like an internal hurricane
Devastating metabolism.
 
I take a telepathic head count
Before I go for labs;
Free T4 and TSH.
 
My energy floats on waves
Bringing stress to the simplest days,
And the medication hits my liver
Like twenty alcoholics
 
Everyone is accounted for;
All the primaries in place
Until someone dies or moves
To another state.
 
I drop radioactive iodine
On the doctor’s call,
And wonder who’ll take the head count
When I’m gone.
 
Four weeks later;
I’m the rendering of fatigue;
Monitoring the size of my thyroid.
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Revision 1 (working with word choices)

Thyroid

 
 
Hormonal imbalance wrecks me
Like an internal hurricane
Devastating metabolism.
 
I take a telepathic head count
Before I go to diagnostics for blood work
Every six weeks.
 
My energy floats on waves
Bringing stress to the mellowest existence
And the medication hits my liver
Like twenty alcoholics.
 
Everyone is accounted for;
All the primaries, established
Until someone dies or moves
To another state.
 
I drop radioactive iodine
On the doctor’s call,
And wonder who’ll take the head count
When I’m gone.
 
Four weeks later;
I’m the rendering of fatigue;
Monitoring the size of my thyroid.
 

I'm still not sure what I want to do with S1...

My wife had her thyroid taken out (cancer) a number of years ago. When she doesn't take her one-a-day or forgets or runs out for a day (or God forbid, two days) she is a crazy woman. Even today, after tinkering with dosage a dozen times, her hands can be ICE and her feet can be toast or vice versa...sometimes within minutes.

I like the poem. You do it justice and things shouldn't have to make sense. Keep the first line and scrap lines two and three. You need something fresh, out-of-sync to make someone understand right from the get/go. Hurricane is a cliche. "Devastating metabolism" is telling me. SHOW me. If you have to make an extension of stanza 1, go for it. Don't hold back. If it is a hurricane, blow me away from the start.

Don't give up on this.

(06-27-2016, 11:42 AM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]My wife had her thyroid taken out (cancer) a number of years ago.  When she doesn't take her one-a-day or forgets or runs out for a day (or God forbid, two days) she is a crazy woman.  Even today, after tinkering with dosage a dozen times, her hands can be ICE and her feet can be toast or vice versa...sometimes within minutes.  

I like the poem.  You do it justice and things shouldn't have to make sense.  Keep the first line and scrap lines two and three.  You need something fresh, out-of-sync to make someone understand right from the get/go.  Hurricane is a cliche.  "Devastating metabolism" is telling me.  SHOW me.  If you have to make an extension of stanza 1, go for it.  Don't hold back.  If it is a hurricane, blow me away from the start.  

Don't give up on this.

71degrees,

I don't think people realize how much their thyroid controls; it's unbelievable and it's been crazy for me at least. Anyway, I do appreciate your take on S1 and I'll see what I can do in the next revision.

Thanks for reading and commenting,

Luna