06-13-2016, 12:28 AM
Hello kole,
for me, this is "formula" poetry. Nothing wrong with that, but it is very difficult to pull off. I know. I failed, often. The infinite metaphor cannot stop, cannot begin and cannot have a center....so off it goes in never decreasing circles of increasing absurdity as the writer struggles to get some closure. If you were a hammer, I am your nail; if you were a tap, I am your pail; If you were a condom, I am your prick; if your were a Richard, I'd be your dick etc, etc.
So, what to say on a line by line, having said what I said? I am not churlish enough (some may disagree) to say that just because it ain't for me it should be unworthy. So the following might help, might not.
Best,
tectak
for me, this is "formula" poetry. Nothing wrong with that, but it is very difficult to pull off. I know. I failed, often. The infinite metaphor cannot stop, cannot begin and cannot have a center....so off it goes in never decreasing circles of increasing absurdity as the writer struggles to get some closure. If you were a hammer, I am your nail; if you were a tap, I am your pail; If you were a condom, I am your prick; if your were a Richard, I'd be your dick etc, etc.
So, what to say on a line by line, having said what I said? I am not churlish enough (some may disagree) to say that just because it ain't for me it should be unworthy. So the following might help, might not.
Best,
tectak
(06-08-2016, 05:15 AM)kolemath Wrote:
Sex or Music
If you are a violin,
I am a bow. You are asking for trouble. The mechanics of this metaphor give me stroking, rubbing, sawing,pulling...it is a much used one-off.
If you are a trumpet,
I am a valve....as expected, non-conforming comparison. There is also a tense problem, surely, "if you WERE" is neater. I mean just to twist the keen blade of the cliched knife, how would this have sounded "If you are a carpenter, then I am a lady.." No. Not good.
If you are a trombone,
I am a slide.No more on this. It ain't working for me. If you are a drum, I am a stick. If you are an oil stain, I am a slick. I can't take any more.
If you are a xylophone,
I am a mallet.
I tune you, listening
for the perfect pitch in key What is a "pitch in key"?
to test and taste the sound.
The curtain is pulled,
conductor and orchestra together. Unfortunate linkage to have the curtain pulling conductor and orchestra together. You said it...but I know what is happening. You are in a flat spin with no fuel left, but like a good pilot you never stop flying the plane..
The first score light, From this point to the end you have a poem. This sex/symphony linkage is just too weak. A good idea, you know, climaxes, surges, swelling, thrusts,sheet (music) clenching, eye-watering emotion blah, blah. but it just doesn't hang together
slow and gentle, delicate,
easing into the fullness of a bouncing bridge, more
tempo and crescendo, climax of movements,
orchestra, conductor, one sound in swells,
fingers clenching
neck and bow,
horn and note,
mallet and key,
brass over strings,
the percussion crashing,
perfect pitch, harmony,
all finishing together, You should be so lucky...
and the conductor collapses,
and the orchestra gasps for air
and all in the hall, Way too andy....made worse because it stands out as a device. It is deliberately awful but you may have an idea that escapes me.
renewed.
