06-03-2016, 02:25 AM
"Lie here in bed, lifeless man of the moon.
Gentle hand on my arm.
They knew I'd hear voices but not this soon.
Yet He, even here, to bring me harm."
Time Time Time
"Your frame so bright, eye cannot pursue.
Iron muse, to the blackness of space.
Oh preface! You hear the voices too?
Twenty armed men not a single escaped."
Time Time Time
"Clear cup to my lips and let list my mind.
Your challenge you see, your immortal mistake.
And as you grow I am left behind.
You know these gifts, don't return what they take."
Please Try Try Try
"Don't mistake my meaning, I wish you the best.
But knowing you're human has made me depressed."
Alright I have made a few changes. Mainly regarding the quotations making it more certain this is one voice. The style of poem I have written is in the form of an English Sonnet. Where the rhyme scheme is AbAb CdCd EfEf Gg. The way an English sonnet is meant to work is that there is an inflating action, where the speaker is talking up more and more about their lover. Then at the end there is a deflation or twist where the last two lines put a different spin on what has been read.
In regards to the section "Yet He, even here, to bring me harm." is a reference to the saying attributed to the Grim Reaper. "Even in Arcadia, I am." Or sometimes said. "Even in Arcadia I exist." The statement being that even in paradise death is certain.
Gentle hand on my arm.
They knew I'd hear voices but not this soon.
Yet He, even here, to bring me harm."
Time Time Time
"Your frame so bright, eye cannot pursue.
Iron muse, to the blackness of space.
Oh preface! You hear the voices too?
Twenty armed men not a single escaped."
Time Time Time
"Clear cup to my lips and let list my mind.
Your challenge you see, your immortal mistake.
And as you grow I am left behind.
You know these gifts, don't return what they take."
Please Try Try Try
"Don't mistake my meaning, I wish you the best.
But knowing you're human has made me depressed."
Alright I have made a few changes. Mainly regarding the quotations making it more certain this is one voice. The style of poem I have written is in the form of an English Sonnet. Where the rhyme scheme is AbAb CdCd EfEf Gg. The way an English sonnet is meant to work is that there is an inflating action, where the speaker is talking up more and more about their lover. Then at the end there is a deflation or twist where the last two lines put a different spin on what has been read.
In regards to the section "Yet He, even here, to bring me harm." is a reference to the saying attributed to the Grim Reaper. "Even in Arcadia, I am." Or sometimes said. "Even in Arcadia I exist." The statement being that even in paradise death is certain.