Dark Personified
#6
(05-25-2016, 11:17 PM)Seanwd98 Wrote:  The gentle touch, the soft embrace
That tickles my toes and kisses my face
‘Til morning breaks, and away it’s chased.
Kept at bay ‘til dusk walks by,
And Mother holds tight to the sky.

Then, slowly walking through the street
Recovers from its last retreat
Draped gently like an endless sheet.
Covering windows, closing doors,
Only to recede once more.

Peacefully timid, eagerly shy
Patiently waiting to explore.
I like what is here. Some things I might change would be that if you are trying to personify the dark as an almost matronly figure, make your writing sound more personal use she or he rather than "it" to describe them.

For instance; write something along the lines of:
"A gentle touch, her soft embrace,
Tickles my toes and caresses my face."

Or do you mean mother to be the moon rather than darkness itself? Her gentle glow resplendent through a window, guarding you diligently from the cold embrace of the dark? 

Or is Darkness the mother we seek after the harshness of the light dies away at dusk. Mother enraptured us in her silent presence and tucks us into her blanketed warmth to rest for the coming tribulations we must face in the dominion of the light?

I could be reading toof deeply into this, but take a moment to think about your stance here. Really dig. Does not the mother we seek deserve our affection? Show her here and don't fear using more description. 

Let me know what you think and if I've overstepped any bounds, please. 

Respectfully sent,

Jonsy3k.
Reply


Messages In This Thread
Dark Personified - by Seanwd98 - 05-25-2016, 11:17 PM
RE: Dark Personified - by Magpie - 05-26-2016, 08:21 PM
RE: Dark Personified - by lwahl - 05-27-2016, 08:45 PM
RE: Dark Personified - by RexBanner - 05-28-2016, 10:00 AM
RE: Dark Personified - by msredd - 06-01-2016, 05:18 AM
RE: Dark Personified - by Jonsy3k - 06-01-2016, 03:22 PM
RE: Dark Personified - by Marymic - 06-05-2016, 07:03 AM
RE: Dark Personified - by Joseph Didis - 06-05-2016, 02:50 PM
RE: Dark Personified - by DavidF - 06-06-2016, 01:46 PM
RE: Dark Personified - by XavF - 06-06-2016, 05:44 PM
RE: Dark Personified - by mitsuch - 06-09-2016, 12:17 AM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!