I remember a time when I was but a boy;
I watched, enraptured, my country's flag waving almost in joy.
There was no hate then, not to my eyes;
No color, no sex or fervent battle cries.
There were problems, even then my young mind knew;
But to me, the people would see each other through.
Two short decades later, my world has turned to strife;
Brother against brother, each wielding his own knife.
In times where patriotism is met with a cold sneer;
Our flag they burn while others cheer.
Issues of great controversy waved about;
Our country's greatness cast in doubt.
The fights that would build us up and make us strong;
Poison us against each other, all we see is wrong.
No more standing United against those who seek to do harm;
We've fallen prey to the instigators' charm.
I once sought to do my part, to fix what I could;
Like many before me, I enlisted to do some good.
To serve and protect, defend my brother, your sister, and our mothers;
To keep the country I believed in safe from all others.
My brothers and sisters fought and died, gave their all for their dreams of a better tomorrow;
They took the hit meant for others on themselves, no time for thoughts of sorrow.
When I was young, I took life for granted, unaware it was a gift;
Naive to the burden I would one day lift.
My pack was taken by better people, just as unprepared as me;
They were young with the same designs to see our country free.
Free from hate, oppression and self war;
It seems that some back at home forgot what we all are fighting for.
The strength of this country isn't the leaders, the law or even its land;
The backbone of our country is its people - standing hand in hand.
No race, no creed, no religion or definitive sex - no distraction;
All of us together to give change traction.
When I was young, I believed in this country and what we stood for,
Now that I'm older, I believe in the people standing at an open door.
The door to a brighter tomorrow, where we as a people can be as one;
All of us together being ourselves, the conflict done.
When I was a boy, I dared to believe, as most children do;
Now as an adult, I would be happy to walk with you.
Toward this new land and a new state of life for all;
Where a truly United people stand tall.
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(06-02-2016, 06:27 AM)Jonsy3k Wrote: I remember a time when I was but a boy; showing works better than telling in poetry
I watched, enraptured, my country's flag waving almost in joy. i think you have extra words here, you could loose either watched or enraptured for instance, and you could cut almost
There was no hate then, not to my eyes;
No color, no sex or fervent battle cries. not sure what you mean by no sex.
There were problems, even then my young mind knew; generic statement + awkward phrasing = bad
But to me, the people would see each other through.
Two short decades later, my world has turned to strife;
Brother against brother, each wielding his own knife. "We don't need a bigger knife, Cause we got guns, we got guns, we got guns, We got guns, you better run "
In times where patriotism is met with a cold sneer;
Our flag they burn while others cheer.
Issues of great controversy waved about; if you are going to write 20 lines on the subject, some specifics would be nice
Our country's greatness cast in doubt. botswana's greatness was never in doubt
The fights that would build us up and make us strong;
Poison us against each other, all we see is wrong.
No more standing United against those who seek to do harm;
We've fallen prey to the instigators' charm. no idea what youre on about now. but I do know that harm and charm rhyme, so we have that.
I once sought to do my part, to fix what I could;
Like many before me, I enlisted to do some good.
To serve and protect, defend my brother, your sister, and our mothers;
To keep the country I believed in safe from all others. well, thank you for serving.
My brothers and sisters fought and died, gave their all for their dreams of a better tomorrow;
They took the hit meant for others on themselves, no time for thoughts of sorrow.
When I was young, I took life for granted, unaware it was a gift;
Naive to the burden I would one day lift.
My pack was taken by better people, just as unprepared as me;
They were young with the same designs to see our country free.
Free from hate, oppression and self war;
It seems that some back at home forgot what we all are fighting for.
The strength of this country isn't the leaders, the law or even its land;
The backbone of our country is its people - standing hand in hand.
No race, no creed, no religion or definitive sex - no distraction; i honestly have no idea what you are talking about. Things for trannies and faggots was way worse in the 80s and 90s than it is now. Right now we are debating if they should use the bathroom they want. In the eighties they were debating if trannie bashing was acceptable.
All of us together to give change traction. change isn't necessarily good, poem doesn't say what change will bring, and I mean, your really working hard on the rhymes here. can't tell which word was used for the sole purpose of making it rhyme, maybe it was both?
When I was young, I believed in this country and what we stood for,
Now that I'm older, I believe in the people standing at an open door.
The door to a brighter tomorrow, where we as a people can be as one;
All of us together being ourselves, the conflict done.
When I was a boy, I dared to believe, as most children do;
Now as an adult, I would be happy to walk with you.
Toward this new land and a new state of life for all;
Where a truly United people stand tall.
key points:
the poem is too generic, be specific
if you've heard the phrase before, cut it out. it cheapens your message
your poem needs to have WHYS. Why should I care, why should we change, why. why. why.
Avoid choosing a word just because it rhymes. It sticks out like a sore thumb.
cut. avoid filler.
I love the overall message of this piece and it rings true with me. The only thing I would fix is the rhythm. A poem like this, with such purposeful rhymes, needs to be structured in its rhythm as well. There are just lines that seem to have extra words, they aren't quite in sync. Otherwise I think it's a great piece!
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(06-02-2016, 06:27 AM)Jonsy3k Wrote: In times where patriotism is met with a cold sneer;
Our flag they burn while others cheer.
I found this most jarring. I have never seen 'patriotism met with cold sneer'. I've heard such things claimed, risibly. Are there warm sneers ?
I would pay more attention to the rhythmic flow of your poem. Try reading it out loud and see if any of the lines sound stilted or awkward at all. I think you'll find several places where your lines can be revised for syllable count as well as overall flow. Also be aware of how the stanzas sound next to each other. They don't all have to be the exact same length, but they should sound melodic together, not choppy, as they do now.
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Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2016
As others have said, the rhythm seems off, and the way it reads is choppy. Your point comes across clearly but too plainly I think, not very creative with word usage, you could be more, how do I put this, artistic? Like painting a portrait of war with words but doing so describing imagery, I feel like I'm reading something political, not poetry. Almost like a journal entry you'd read describing a day in the trenches, not bad overall, just too boring imho.
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Threads: 2
Joined: Jun 2016
Hey! overall I am getting the messages, but some of the stanzas are unneeded and most people would not understand why you have included what you have included. I enjoyed the poem, however some rhymes are being forced, and a lot of lines require rephrasing so as to maintain the flow of the poem. I have provided line by line feedback below. All feedback is within square brackets. I couldn't figure out how to use bold etc. until I was done =P
Thanks for the read.
I remember a time when I was but a boy;
I watched, enraptured, my country's flag waving almost in joy.
There was no hate then, not to my eyes;
No color, no sex or fervent battle cries.
There were problems, even then my young mind knew;
But to me, the people would see each other through.
Two short decades later, my world has turned to strife;
Brother against brother, each wielding his own knife. - [Seems forced, if you are really set on using only rhymes, make sure, like others have said that they don't stick out.]
In times where patriotism is met with a cold sneer;
Our flag they burn while others cheer. - [I am not completely sure of the meaning of "while others cheer". Are we talking about other countries or people surrounding the fire? Then the use of the word "they" needs to be edited.]
Issues of great controversy waved about; - [The use of the word controversy leads to an unpleasant, jarred reading of the line. Try to come up with a better word.]
Our country's greatness cast in doubt.
The fights that would build us up and make us strong;
Poison us against each other, all we see is wrong. - ["Poision us...other" doesn't exactly make sense. You can use something like "Pose us..."]
No more standing United against those who seek to do harm;
We've fallen prey to the instigators' charm.
I once sought to do my part, to fix what I could;
Like many before me, I enlisted to do some good. - [Would put a comma after enlisted to show the interval in the poem of a change in setting. Adds emphasis.]
To serve and protect, defend my brother, your sister, and our mothers; - ["my brother, your sister and our mothers" just elongates the line and again makes it a jarred read. Edit.]
To keep the country I believed in safe from all others.
My brothers and sisters fought and died, gave their all for their dreams of a better tomorrow; - [I would say this line being longer than others cuts from the flow of the poem, try to shorten it.]
They took the hit meant for others on themselves, no time for thoughts of sorrow.
When I was young, I took life for granted, unaware it was a gift; - [I like the wording of this stanza]
Naive to the burden I would one day lift.
My pack was taken by better people, just as unprepared as me; -[ Im not quite sure what pack means here. and "same designs" is not great wording for putting across your meaning clearly. ]
They were young with the same designs to see our country free.
Free from hate, oppression and self war;
It seems that some back at home forgot what we all are fighting for.
The strength of this country isn't the leaders, the law or even its land;
The backbone of our country is its people - standing hand in hand.
No race, no creed, no religion or definitive sex - no distraction; - [This isn't really a valid point to put in here as someone else mentioned...]
All of us together to give change traction.
When I was young, I believed in this country and what we stood for, - [I liked this stanza. Great message. However the initial line is a bit generic. Maybe change the wording?]
Now that I'm older, I believe in the people standing at an open door.
The door to a brighter tomorrow, where we as a people can be as one; - [Grammatical error ; "we as people"]
All of us together being ourselves, the conflict done.
When I was a boy, I dared to believe, as most children do; - [The last segment of the first line is unneeded.]
Now as an adult, I would be happy to walk with you.
Toward this new land and a new state of life for all;
Where a truly United people stand tall.
We hold the world but as the world, is it what we see?
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