The Sentinel

[tectak]

Hi caleb,
the "problem" you pre-empt with this poem is not so great so I will
not touch on it. There are, though, significant issues which DO glare out to this crit. Some may say pedant, but see what you think.
Best, tectak

In a modern pedestrian plaza, barely noticed You may not believe in rhythm, but this first line, like most first lines, sets the pattern...let's see if it repeats.
As people passed, from the corner of my eye This will do,but the capitalisation of the first word"As" makes the opener convoluted. "as" implies chronological conditionality. Simultaneity. It is strongly linked to the first line and should NOT suffer from the misconception of another sentence by capitalisation.
I saw, and then stopped to behold, a great tree, Rhythm. Not meter. Not syllable counting. Just that 'ol black magic...rhythm. Do you need the "and" word?
Not yet in leaf, rising from the paving stones Predictably now, it gets messy. Your are extending this sentence way out beyond tipping point. The "and" does not save it.You would be better, I believe, to end the first sentence after "tree". Period. Next sentence. "Not yet in leaf, it rose up from the paving stones, as if they were its natural element". This is not perfect, but it emphasises the principle. You use "As" again, but this time the linkage SHOULD be even more emphasised because you have the non-definitive "its" and "they" to pull in to the body of the sentence;accordingly the simile must be close-coupled. As an example of the pointlessness and vexacious use of capitalising every line, this takes some beating.
As if they were its natural element.

This was not some planted sapling left to die, Hmmm. Must be a better way of using language than by opening a stanza with a disassociated "this". The last time you mentioned a tree was several lines back in a different stanza. I know what you mean, but "describe" the tree at every opportunity, don't just call it "this". "Rooted firm and proud, unlike some sickly sapling left to die
by fleeting and indifferent bureaucrats,
this was an...."

As they often do, by indifferent bureaucrats; Not a good place for a semicolon. Even worse because of the next line start. You can surely see why the forced fashion of caitalising every line faded out over 60 years ago. Let's not go backwards
This was an emperor unfurled, with massive,
Muscular arms outstretched to grab the sky,
Or embrace and comfort a frightened world. Good.Like this. Nice thinking. You are "picturing" what you see and I see it, too.

Oh, I was surely surprised to see this giant, Bad. Don't like this. What's with the "Oh"? Over-used Muse. A quick re-write of this line without the theatre.
Majestic even among buildings twice its height; Period.You have just written a sentence. Majestic is for school-kid essays and footballer's physical excesses.
Yet I felt pity, too, to see it imprisoned The sentiment is good but you have colonic discharge. Again, I see what you want to say but am puzzled as to why you do not say it. What do you think " for by whatever method trees embrace, this tree would die alone" means.Method? Embrace? Whaa...?
By brick and stone; for by whatever method
Trees embrace, this tree would die alone.

No son or sister shared its air; its race, I fear there has been a glitch in the Matrix. Are we past, present or future? The tree, you say, is contemporaneous. What's with the "shared", "turned" past tenses? The poor bloody tree is not dead yet and you already have it in a coffin(pun).
Conquered by man, turned into little more
Than a source of boards.  Sadly I turned away,
When out from the branches came a windy moan,
As if the tree would have the final say: The repetition  of the "as" word, combined with the use at line starts, is becoming predictable and so tedious.

"Do not pity me; my race is not undone; Good grief, nested colons. Why?
If storm, drought and famine could not kill me,
Man will not succeed, though he may try.
The glaciers tried, and so did fire from the sky;
From every patch we rise, and always shall. Hmmm. This is verging on pretentious whilst stating a great big patently obvious nothing. You will now try to get and allegorical message to Man from the Trees. I don't think this could ever work BUT that is not a reason for not trying. Go for it

"Look not to us, but to your own, for greed
Will end you; man has never learned to share.
And when your poisons finally suffocate you,
We shall still be here, casting up our seeds
To mingle in the wind and land everywhere."

Chastened by this sentinel of hope, I felt
A cautious glow, that things which might seem lost
Or fallen low, might flourish still—but then
A lick of warm wind turned my hope to dread:
I realized that this was May, not March
(Long past leafing), and that the tree was dead. I would be lying if I said I saw this coming, but it seemed to surprise you, too. I am not convinced of the points you almost make other than superficially. Talking trees are fine because you almost made it clear that you were speaking on the trees behalf....but you said some crazy things for a dead tree. I think you need to get the seriality of this piece better organised. Cut out the weak similes, stop capitalising ever line, get your colon problem sorted out and convince me that the tree is really dead  

Alternate closing line:
(Long past leafing); the tree was already dead.

===========

The problem with this poem will be immediately obvious to some of you.  The poetic device of having an inanimate object speak is probably a little too old fashioned for current poetic tastes.  But since I believe that tastes change, and that what's considered archaic now may come back into style, I'm not too concerned about that.  What really concerns me is that the tree's speech may be too grandiloquent, so much so that the poem may degenerate into comedy.  The tree is a tree, not a Roman senator.  Also, I wonder if I should be calling the tree a "sentinel" since it isn't actually guarding anything.

This poem is based on an actual experience in which I was admiring a magnificent tree in New York City, and then suddenly realized that it was dead.  Paving stones had been laid right up to the trunk of the tree, which probably caused the roots to suffocate.