05-26-2016, 04:20 AM
Achebe, thank you for your feedback.
"barely noticed as people passed" modifies "a great tree". However, I understand that the object is quite a distance from the modifying language. I'll re-examine that part of the poem. Leanne didn't mention it, so perhaps it was understandable to her.
Forty-five years ago I used the word "unfurl" to mean "reveal", and people questioned it then. In my old age, "unfurl" still has that meaning for me; and in this case it also rhymes with "world". However, I'll find a different word. I'll probably just go with "revealed".
I looked up "sentinel" and one of its lesser meanings is "anything that stands at attention". However, between "emporer" and "sentinel", I'm giving the tree too many identities. I actually like "messenger" and may go with that.
The stanza that the two of you want me to cut is one of my favorites, so the preachiness may have to stay. I always felt that it was the stanza before which was the weaker one. And I remember when I wrote the poem how important it was to me to have the tree speaking for two stanzas to give the poem a particular balance. If you see trees as the vanquished, then the tree would have a right to make moral judgements about its conqueror.
Thank you again. I was wondering why this poem, which I spent years crafting, received only one crit. In the final analysis, I don't think many people like it much.
"barely noticed as people passed" modifies "a great tree". However, I understand that the object is quite a distance from the modifying language. I'll re-examine that part of the poem. Leanne didn't mention it, so perhaps it was understandable to her.
Forty-five years ago I used the word "unfurl" to mean "reveal", and people questioned it then. In my old age, "unfurl" still has that meaning for me; and in this case it also rhymes with "world". However, I'll find a different word. I'll probably just go with "revealed".
I looked up "sentinel" and one of its lesser meanings is "anything that stands at attention". However, between "emporer" and "sentinel", I'm giving the tree too many identities. I actually like "messenger" and may go with that.
The stanza that the two of you want me to cut is one of my favorites, so the preachiness may have to stay. I always felt that it was the stanza before which was the weaker one. And I remember when I wrote the poem how important it was to me to have the tree speaking for two stanzas to give the poem a particular balance. If you see trees as the vanquished, then the tree would have a right to make moral judgements about its conqueror.
Thank you again. I was wondering why this poem, which I spent years crafting, received only one crit. In the final analysis, I don't think many people like it much.