Dormant Factory (edit 1)

[aschueler]

OK this is a bit dense, but I threw some changes here.  Please let me know where I can improve it.  To help with some of the abstract parts, please consider Escher as well as Max Ernst (Aquis Submersus).



Distantly you can just see
the building -- light sand hue -- almost
lost in brush and trees from view. -- why the inversion? Sounds better to my ear without: almost lost from view in brush and trees. Since you are not working with end rhyme anyway, the closer juxtaposition of the rhyme "hue/view" would strengthen this for me.

Blue spruce close partner with banyans 
on the front perimeter; live oaks reach
with sweeping boughs, converge -- "sweeping boughs" is a bit cliche
on red mangroves that shelter 
the old roman reflecting pool
curiously full of clear water. -- love the "curiously" -- brings in a subtle magical notion.

Amidst roots of mangrove -- Among? "amidst" is a bit fancy IMO and not needed.
is the way in, as water channels
through the wall eroded. -- This whole construction is kind of odd -- can you just say it more directly somehow? Esp. the inversion again weakens the impact for me

Inside marble floors flooded,
onward to wide stairs, down.
Deep they go, down, 
into large dark halls
filled with cold air and darkness. -- nicely drawn image and I like the full stop after the first "down."

At the base dynamos sit dormant, surround
a lone metronome --
which maintains rhythm as 
constant thock, thock. -- another very evocative picture.

Each swing and stop 
maintains releases and holds 
energy almost dormant, rippling 
the water that exits back out again -- really like this part

to the pool storing it until -- Not sure about this, grammar maybe, almost could take this as the metronome storing the energy rather than that mysterious pool -- maybe give this line some further thought because it is key and pivotal if I read you right.

the whole thing starts back again.

I really like this! (Did not read the original or the other crits, so this is a fresh view on your latest version, hope it's helpful.) There's something spooky about it, and one thing I would love to see would be that spooky quality brought out a tiny bit more, because, to me anyway, it's the whole point of the poem, which does an excellent job of verbalizing an Escher-esque image.

Thanks for the advice.  The inversions are for a pace kind of rhythm....it sorta works.  Will think if I can hide that better.  The roots and water entrance are indeed still weird.  Will try to be more direct on that.

Metronome/water bit is difficult.  I wanted to throw in the math equation for a wave function, so be happy I didn't.