Poetry Forum

OK this is a bit dense, but I threw some changes here.  Please let me know where I can improve it.  To help with some of the abstract parts, please consider Escher as well as Max Ernst (Aquis Submersus).



Distantly you can just see
the building -- light sand hue -- almost
lost in brush and trees from view.

Blue spruce close partner with banyans 
on the front perimeter; live oaks reach
with sweeping boughs, converge 
on red mangroves that shelter 
the old roman reflecting pool
curiously full of clear water.

Amidst roots of mangrove 
is the way in, as water channels
through the wall eroded. 

Inside marble floors flooded,
onward to wide stairs, down.
Deep they go, down, 
into large dark halls
filled with cold air and darkness.

At the base dynamos sit dormant, surround
a lone metronome --
which maintains rhythm as 
constant thock, thock.

Each swing and stop 
maintains releases and holds 
energy almost dormant, rippling 
the water that exits back out again

to the pool storing it until

the whole thing starts back again.

(03-27-2016, 08:54 PM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]Distantly you can just see
the building -- light sand hue -- almost
lost in brush and trees from view.

Blue spruce close partner with banyans 
on the front perimeter; live oaks reach
with sweeping boughs, converge 
on red mangroves that shelter 
the old roman reflecting pool
curiously full of clear water.

Amidst roots of mangrove 
is the only way in, as water channels
through the wall.

Marble floors, wet, turn to wide stairs down.
Deep it goes, down, 
down, into large dark halls
filled with cold air, subtle smell of mothball.

At the base dynamos sit dormant, surround
a lone metronome --
which thocks its rhythm endless 
and defiant.

Hi aschueler - although common, the theme of decay and defiance in its face is always accommodating of more poems.
The structure of your poem is decent - an intro, a virtual tour, and an image at the end to underscore the theme.

On the other hand, the following could be areas of improvement:

i) too much unnecessary detail that overwhelms the reader eg. 4 different types of trees / plants in S2.  I had to re-read it to figure out what was going where, only to see later on that it was completely unnecessary. 
ii) verb choice eg. I can't picture how the roots 'reach' and 'converge', how the water 'channels through the wall' (has it cut a channel in the earth alongside the wall? has it cut through the wall? is it just running down the wall? if so, where's the channel? I am disturbed by the ambiguity).
iii) adjectives, many and vague: 'large dark', 'subtle' smell, 'curiously' full, 
iv) occasional verbosity: 'on the front perimeter' instead of 'in front of'

good luck

I thought this started out strong, especially with the interweaving rhymes: hue, view, blue. However as the speaker moves into the factory things get a bit muddled. BY the way it is described, the "only entrance" it seems would have flooded the entire complex as:

"Marble floors, wet, turn to wide stairs down.
Deep it goes, down,
down, into large dark halls
filled with cold air, subtle smell of mothball." (gratuitous if not forced)

Wouldn't the water run down? And why the smell of mothballs? Oil or chemical smell I could understand, but mothballs, is this a clothing factory? It doesn't appear so.

"At the base dynamos sit dormant..."

What does a cloth factory need with dynamos. This speaks of heavy industry, not a clothing factory, in fact the whole image is out of balance. The entrance speaks more of an office building, yet in the deepest levels sits dynamos. Here the reader is given to understand that these are not small electric generators, but large monsters that produce power for large machines with a heavy power load.  

And then there is the metronome:

"a mechanical or electrical instrument
that makes repeated clicking sounds at
an adjustable pace, used for marking rhythm,
especially in practicing music."  (http://www.dictionary.com/browse/%20metronome?s=t)

Used them often myself, but why would one sit among dynamos?

This seems a very Edisonian world you are trying to capture, and I suppose one could stretch things and say there is a second level metaphor where the dynamos represent the great men of the industrial revolution: Rockefeller, Carnegie, et al.. A sort of "there be dragons here", but I don't really believe it, although if I tried really hard I'm sure I could extract such juxtaposed to the Prufrockian world of today. Yet, I don't believe that was the writer intent. It could have been, but it is not.

Anyway, back to the poem at hand.

"Marble floors, wet, turn to wide stairs down.
Deep it goes, down,
down, into large dark halls
filled with cold air, subtle smell of mothball."

The first line here is very elegant. L2 Maybe too many "downs". L3 could do without the "in" and just go with the "to". Both for cadence and simply because it is unnecessary. I would drop the mothballs, even if you mean it as a metaphor and go with subtle smells of...   just give it a defined cadence something like "oils and rust announce that something greater's waiting there."  

I keep wanting to re-write the part "large dark halls filled with cold air" to "large halls filled with cold dark air" I want to avoid the cliche of "dank", but still impart a quality to the air, which sets the tone much more so than do the halls.

Your rhymes and cadence are very good, maybe give it a little more depth, unless I am simply missing something. Well you can let me know.

dale

Achebe:  thanks for the advice;  the trees are various on purpose.  Ironically enough, I figured Dale would get this first;  my wife noticed almost right away when I read this to her (but then she knows me better).  They are from quite different habitats, none live near each other naturally.  The boughs reach;  not the roots.  Live oaks do reach, converging is my doing.  If you would, bring up pictures of red mangroves and live oaks and see if you can visualize them converging over a pool; if not then it fails.


I agree about the channels into the building;  it's awkward, was worse originally how I had it, and I am still working on getting us inside the building...

Dale:  thanks for the read as well.  What you are missing is what is the hardest of all the bring out.  This is one of the most abstract poems I have written.  I will likely drop the mothballs, was going for something very old and packed into storage;  my original word was naphthalene.  Make that work .  Anyway,  I am partly suffering from the error you mention on others, assuming the reader knows more.  I could use "large, dark halls filled with old, dark air" and skip cold.

The metronome I will need to clarify in a revision.  It confuses me too, but it's the center of everything really.

I can't rightly clarify more what I am trying to say in prose, it's why I put this into poetry of course.

(03-28-2016, 04:47 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]Achebe:  thanks for the advice;  the trees are various on purpose.  Ironically enough, I figured Dale would get this first;  my wife noticed almost right away when I read this to her (but then she knows me better).  They are from quite different habitats, none live near each other naturally.  The boughs reach;  not the roots.  Live oaks do reach, converging is my doing.  If you would, bring up pictures of red mangroves and live oaks and see if you can visualize them converging over a pool; if not then it fails.


I agree about the channels into the building;  it's awkward, was worse originally how I had it, and I am still working on getting us inside the building...

Dale:  thanks for the read as well.  What you are missing is what is the hardest of all the bring out.  This is one of the most abstract poems I have written.  I will likely drop the mothballs, was going for something very old and packed into storage;  my original word was naphthalene.  Make that work .  Anyway,  I am partly suffering from the error you mention on others, assuming the reader knows more.  I could use "large, dark halls filled with old, dark air" and skip cold.

The metronome I will need to clarify in a revision.  It confuses me too, but it's the center of everything really.

I can't rightly clarify more what I am trying to say in prose, it's why I put this into poetry of course.

Holy cow...it's naphthalene season again. See Scent of City Girls and thanks for the support

(03-28-2016, 07:31 AM)tectak Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-28-2016, 04:47 AM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]Achebe:  thanks for the advice;  the trees are various on purpose.  Ironically enough, I figured Dale would get this first;  my wife noticed almost right away when I read this to her (but then she knows me better).  They are from quite different habitats, none live near each other naturally.  The boughs reach;  not the roots.  Live oaks do reach, converging is my doing.  If you would, bring up pictures of red mangroves and live oaks and see if you can visualize them converging over a pool; if not then it fails.


I agree about the channels into the building;  it's awkward, was worse originally how I had it, and I am still working on getting us inside the building...

Dale:  thanks for the read as well.  What you are missing is what is the hardest of all the bring out.  This is one of the most abstract poems I have written.  I will likely drop the mothballs, was going for something very old and packed into storage;  my original word was naphthalene.  Make that work .  Anyway,  I am partly suffering from the error you mention on others, assuming the reader knows more.  I could use "large, dark halls filled with old, dark air" and skip cold.

The metronome I will need to clarify in a revision.  It confuses me too, but it's the center of everything really.

I can't rightly clarify more what I am trying to say in prose, it's why I put this into poetry of course.

Holy cow...it's  naphthalene season again. See Scent of City Girls and thanks for the support

Yeah read that when you posted it.  Enjoyed it considerably (didnt have advice, just enjoyed it) but have to say naphthalene was a coincidence.  Weird eh?

Updated!

(03-27-2016, 08:54 PM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]OK this is a bit dense, but I threw some changes here.  Please let me know where I can improve it.  To help with some of the abstract parts, please consider Escher as well as Max Ernst (Aquis Submersus).



Distantly you can just see
the building -- light sand hue -- almost
lost in brush and trees from view. -- why the inversion? Sounds better to my ear without: almost lost from view in brush and trees. Since you are not working with end rhyme anyway, the closer juxtaposition of the rhyme "hue/view" would strengthen this for me.

Blue spruce close partner with banyans 
on the front perimeter; live oaks reach
with sweeping boughs, converge -- "sweeping boughs" is a bit cliche
on red mangroves that shelter 
the old roman reflecting pool
curiously full of clear water. -- love the "curiously" -- brings in a subtle magical notion.

Amidst roots of mangrove -- Among? "amidst" is a bit fancy IMO and not needed.
is the way in, as water channels
through the wall eroded. -- This whole construction is kind of odd -- can you just say it more directly somehow? Esp. the inversion again weakens the impact for me

Inside marble floors flooded,
onward to wide stairs, down.
Deep they go, down, 
into large dark halls
filled with cold air and darkness. -- nicely drawn image and I like the full stop after the first "down."

At the base dynamos sit dormant, surround
a lone metronome --
which maintains rhythm as 
constant thock, thock. -- another very evocative picture.

Each swing and stop 
maintains releases and holds 
energy almost dormant, rippling 
the water that exits back out again -- really like this part

to the pool storing it until -- Not sure about this, grammar maybe, almost could take this as the metronome storing the energy rather than that mysterious pool -- maybe give this line some further thought because it is key and pivotal if I read you right.

the whole thing starts back again.

I really like this! (Did not read the original or the other crits, so this is a fresh view on your latest version, hope it's helpful.) There's something spooky about it, and one thing I would love to see would be that spooky quality brought out a tiny bit more, because, to me anyway, it's the whole point of the poem, which does an excellent job of verbalizing an Escher-esque image.

(05-15-2016, 01:33 AM)bedeep Wrote: [ -> ]

(03-27-2016, 08:54 PM)aschueler Wrote: [ -> ]OK this is a bit dense, but I threw some changes here.  Please let me know where I can improve it.  To help with some of the abstract parts, please consider Escher as well as Max Ernst (Aquis Submersus).



Distantly you can just see
the building -- light sand hue -- almost
lost in brush and trees from view. -- why the inversion? Sounds better to my ear without: almost lost from view in brush and trees. Since you are not working with end rhyme anyway, the closer juxtaposition of the rhyme "hue/view" would strengthen this for me.

Blue spruce close partner with banyans 
on the front perimeter; live oaks reach
with sweeping boughs, converge -- "sweeping boughs" is a bit cliche
on red mangroves that shelter 
the old roman reflecting pool
curiously full of clear water. -- love the "curiously" -- brings in a subtle magical notion.

Amidst roots of mangrove -- Among? "amidst" is a bit fancy IMO and not needed.
is the way in, as water channels
through the wall eroded. -- This whole construction is kind of odd -- can you just say it more directly somehow? Esp. the inversion again weakens the impact for me

Inside marble floors flooded,
onward to wide stairs, down.
Deep they go, down, 
into large dark halls
filled with cold air and darkness. -- nicely drawn image and I like the full stop after the first "down."

At the base dynamos sit dormant, surround
a lone metronome --
which maintains rhythm as 
constant thock, thock. -- another very evocative picture.

Each swing and stop 
maintains releases and holds 
energy almost dormant, rippling 
the water that exits back out again -- really like this part

to the pool storing it until -- Not sure about this, grammar maybe, almost could take this as the metronome storing the energy rather than that mysterious pool -- maybe give this line some further thought because it is key and pivotal if I read you right.

the whole thing starts back again.

I really like this! (Did not read the original or the other crits, so this is a fresh view on your latest version, hope it's helpful.) There's something spooky about it, and one thing I would love to see would be that spooky quality brought out a tiny bit more, because, to me anyway, it's the whole point of the poem, which does an excellent job of verbalizing an Escher-esque image.

Thanks for the advice.  The inversions are for a pace kind of rhythm....it sorta works.  Will think if I can hide that better.  The roots and water entrance are indeed still weird.  Will try to be more direct on that.

Metronome/water bit is difficult.  I wanted to throw in the math equation for a wave function, so be happy I didn't.