04-25-2016, 06:07 AM
Hello to everyone in the forum. This is officially the first poem I post here and it was written a few days ago. My biggest problem, or so I think, is forced rhyme. I try to remove it once I actually notice that it is pretty bad so do tell if you find one. The story is set in medieval times in a world that I am creating myself and basically most of the poems I've written or will write are set in the same world. Another problem I have is that I use a lot of pronouns (I
a problem all novice writers face, or so I hope), what I think might help is eliminating at least one word from each line, usually the first one, and they might help, I will need thoughts on that. Well, enjoy.
1st revision:
The birds sit quiet, all humble trees are calm
No wind that howls, no sword in sturdy palm.
The shallow grass beneath the starry sky
It sleeps tonight with none to ponder why.
They rested whole and all prepared for war
That mighty hosts with early dawn had borne.
So heard afar the birds the steps of men,
And leafless trees to axes fell again,
Like long before by men to evil sworn
And once Darían’s host had come ashore
Towards the Myrēdin set in valley’s core
Were forced to march with pace to dreadful song
That sang their shaky spears, the winged and long
That clashed with foes and caused an awful roar.
And wooden bows sent arrows high to soar,
And guiltless blood in valley spilled and poured,
And ended costly march in valley thronged (?)
And left a hill of men, all simple, wronged,
And all the while the kings were left to snore.
Thus fairest valley turned to bloody sea
And common men were forced to pay the fee
And all the proudest mothers’ sonless stayed
And loving fathers’ felt an icy blade,
At least the kings had still their crown on knee.
Notes:
1. Darían is a name of a ruling house.
2. Myrēdin means 'Host of Myre', a two syllable word where ē is silent and Myre is pronounced like Mere but with a short e sound in the middle.
3. I'm not sure if thronged works in that situation, I'll need someone with a deeper knowledge to clarify.
Original:
The birds sit quiet, all trees are calm
No wind to howl, no sword in palm
The shallow grass, the pale sky
They sleep tonight, no wonder why.
They rested whole, prepared for war
That mighty hosts at dawn did bore.
And heard afar the birds a stomp
And trees and grass to fear a chomp
By feet of those whose swords had swore.
And so the hosts had come ashore
They moved within the valley’s core
And all about they seemed to clump
But shaky spears hoped to trump
The side that ready was to roar.
And arrows started high to soar
And blood in valley spilled and poured
Two hosts that marched must now be lumped
Though sense the fear in army’s rump
And all the while the Kings did snore.
Thus valley turned to bloody sea
And painful though that it may be
That proudest mothers’ sonless stayed
And fathers’ felt an icy blade,
At least the Kings had crown on knee.
a problem all novice writers face, or so I hope), what I think might help is eliminating at least one word from each line, usually the first one, and they might help, I will need thoughts on that. Well, enjoy.
1st revision:
The birds sit quiet, all humble trees are calm
No wind that howls, no sword in sturdy palm.
The shallow grass beneath the starry sky
It sleeps tonight with none to ponder why.
They rested whole and all prepared for war
That mighty hosts with early dawn had borne.
So heard afar the birds the steps of men,
And leafless trees to axes fell again,
Like long before by men to evil sworn
And once Darían’s host had come ashore
Towards the Myrēdin set in valley’s core
Were forced to march with pace to dreadful song
That sang their shaky spears, the winged and long
That clashed with foes and caused an awful roar.
And wooden bows sent arrows high to soar,
And guiltless blood in valley spilled and poured,
And ended costly march in valley thronged (?)
And left a hill of men, all simple, wronged,
And all the while the kings were left to snore.
Thus fairest valley turned to bloody sea
And common men were forced to pay the fee
And all the proudest mothers’ sonless stayed
And loving fathers’ felt an icy blade,
At least the kings had still their crown on knee.
Notes:
1. Darían is a name of a ruling house.
2. Myrēdin means 'Host of Myre', a two syllable word where ē is silent and Myre is pronounced like Mere but with a short e sound in the middle.
3. I'm not sure if thronged works in that situation, I'll need someone with a deeper knowledge to clarify.
Original:
The birds sit quiet, all trees are calm
No wind to howl, no sword in palm
The shallow grass, the pale sky
They sleep tonight, no wonder why.
They rested whole, prepared for war
That mighty hosts at dawn did bore.
And heard afar the birds a stomp
And trees and grass to fear a chomp
By feet of those whose swords had swore.
And so the hosts had come ashore
They moved within the valley’s core
And all about they seemed to clump
But shaky spears hoped to trump
The side that ready was to roar.
And arrows started high to soar
And blood in valley spilled and poured
Two hosts that marched must now be lumped
Though sense the fear in army’s rump
And all the while the Kings did snore.
Thus valley turned to bloody sea
And painful though that it may be
That proudest mothers’ sonless stayed
And fathers’ felt an icy blade,
At least the Kings had crown on knee.