Melt

[Todd]

Hi Leanne,

I had read the original and meant to get back to it, but I'll address the edit now. I haven't really read any of the comments so hopefully I won't be too repetitive.

I'm not enamored with the title.

Edit 1

I don't remember how the world turned grey--The most important word in the line for me was how. It's interesting the speaker knows when the color was bleached out of their life (or life together) but isn't actually sure what was done that made that happen.
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way--again first phrase here makes it interesting. They may have been grey for a long time and were pretending things had color.
we twisted into text and through our phones--This sort of dates the poem and while the rhyme isn't forced I'd like to see something that has a more universal timeless quality to it.
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,--while the sent is texting it doesn't have to be if you make a change. I do like the progression of this line and the next.
but hurled at walls, all things will ricochet.--ricochet is a good word to show unintended targets and consequences, and how things have collateral damage.

We drained her world of joyfulness and play--Sets the scene as parents with a child.
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.--I really like what you did here. The protective clipping of the line.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?--lovely phrasing here. These two lines pack the emotional heart of the poem.
The sun will never dawn upon a day--This provides a good contrast with the last I don't remember line. The speaker remembers everything that matters. Great break here.
I don't remember.

I enjoyed the read, Leanne.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

i think you have just the right amount of ambiguity. at first i saw nothing then with each read it opened up a little more and i could put my slant on the bones of the poem.

Thank you all for your interesting perspectives on this poem.  If it were more clearly spelled out, it would no longer be the poem it ought to be, and this discussion indicates that all the required clues are indeed there.  This, more than anything else, is the value of a workshop.

"Melt" is what happens to fat as it releases its energy.  After a while, the same thing will happen to vital organs.

A child in this situation grows old quickly; parents in this situation, conversely, tend to act like children.  Caleb, it's 2016.  People born in 1995 are 21 this year -- and some of them are plenty old enough, and selfish enough, to have children.  

I expect I will return to the original ricochet line.  The second last line is just a placeholder for the moment as it doesn't exactly convey what I want it to, but it is closer than it was, so I will keep thinking about it.  

I appreciate all your comments, thank you again.

[Leanne]

Thanks all. I think I'll just set this aside for now and give it time to rest before I get stuck into it again. I appreciate all your feedback.