03-30-2016, 12:13 PM
(03-10-2016, 02:45 PM)faerykid Wrote: this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanksA few misspelled words, but overall I think you did a good job.
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Loosing you was like God coming down
towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell
Grudges, weighed into my throat
like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long
Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws ~I really like the repetition coupled with the bomb metaphor, gives
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb a sonic and imaginative sense of ticking.
because there is nothing to blame, not a thing
Just time and change, and things holding us back
and people and places ~Reminds me of "life flashing before your eyes", reviewing memories
and money and loss as life comes to an end.
and I lost everything
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil
but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust
I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this
if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start
too early in life am I begging for another chance
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together
mercy, mercy ~Again, I love the repetition and sense of duality in your structure.
for the ones I have lost Maybe it adds to the meaning of the poem; the narrator in
and the ones I will loose his/her new life looking back at his/her old life?
mercy, mercy
take me instead of them
take me instead of them
take them instead of me