03-18-2016, 11:37 AM
At the risk of stating the obvious, it's written entirely with spliced fragments. There isn't a single image, static or dynamic. The ideas don't connect very well, but I understand the reasons and ideas behind many of them. The subject is weak. As far as story goes, I really didn't get a proper introduction out of this. It is almost solely a list of reasons for some unidentified thing happening. It's not hard to make inferences, however.
Edit: Right, well my phone wouldn't let me send anything longer than the above review. Here's a little extension. The language is a bit rough on some lines (mostly regarding tense), which made reading it a little to difficult for me. There is very inconsistent rhyme and meter, but those are forgivable (primarily the meter. Inconsistent rhyme does bother me a bit more).
There is thought to the piece, which is probably why I can appreciate this as lyrics, but as a poem to stand on its own, not so much. The last two lines, of course, are some of the strongest, though admittedly not very strong. It's one of those pieces where there seems to be far too much excess. Too much fat, not enough meat. You have written 18 lines (175 words) to make a laundry list of reasons for some unidentified occurrence that all start with the same line, and it seems as if it was only done to make those last two lines have some meaning to the reader/listener.
Edit: Right, well my phone wouldn't let me send anything longer than the above review. Here's a little extension. The language is a bit rough on some lines (mostly regarding tense), which made reading it a little to difficult for me. There is very inconsistent rhyme and meter, but those are forgivable (primarily the meter. Inconsistent rhyme does bother me a bit more).
There is thought to the piece, which is probably why I can appreciate this as lyrics, but as a poem to stand on its own, not so much. The last two lines, of course, are some of the strongest, though admittedly not very strong. It's one of those pieces where there seems to be far too much excess. Too much fat, not enough meat. You have written 18 lines (175 words) to make a laundry list of reasons for some unidentified occurrence that all start with the same line, and it seems as if it was only done to make those last two lines have some meaning to the reader/listener.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona