Poetry Forum

Because there is nothing as perfect as the written word,
because I'm scared of my emotions to be blurred,
because of that I'll write this down as a poem.

Because I know my voice would start shaking anyway.
Because I know that I would start to sway,
because I know that I'm not good enough at this.

Because there are so many things I wish I told you so much earlier,
because it would have changed so many thoughts I know you had,
because I think you would have understood.

Because I'm not sure if you listened to the lines you should.
Because I'm sorry for ever having tried,
because I'm sorry for having said any of this.

Because I'm sorry for not keeping that one promise,
because you weren't able to endure.
Because I'm sorry for being so insecure.

Because I'm sorry for saying "I'm sorry" so often,
because I know a word loses it's worth when being overused,
because it's like writing a poem and starting every line with the same fucking word.




Note:
As I said in the "hi" thread: The things I'll post for now are lyrics for the first EP of a band I'm the vocalist in. This is imporant to know, because we are a concept band, so all our songs will be one huge story. I know that this one doesn't seem to be very poetic in any way, but it has a few reasons that you may be able to understand or may not. 
However: If you don't like it, that's fine, I'm sure the next one I will post will be a lot more enjoyable, because it's in a very different writing style. I just post this one first, because I want to post them in the chronological order.

At the risk of stating the obvious, it's written entirely with spliced fragments. There isn't a single image, static or dynamic. The ideas don't connect very well, but I understand the reasons and ideas behind many of them. The subject is weak. As far as story goes, I really didn't get a proper introduction out of this. It is almost solely a list of reasons for some unidentified thing happening. It's not hard to make inferences, however.

Edit: Right, well my phone wouldn't let me send anything longer than the above review. Here's a little extension. The language is a bit rough on some lines (mostly regarding tense), which made reading it a little to difficult for me. There is very inconsistent rhyme and meter, but those are forgivable (primarily the meter. Inconsistent rhyme does bother me a bit more).

There is thought to the piece, which is probably why I can appreciate this as lyrics, but as a poem to stand on its own, not so much. The last two lines, of course, are some of the strongest, though admittedly not very strong. It's one of those pieces where there seems to be far too much excess. Too much fat, not enough meat. You have written 18 lines (175 words) to make a laundry list of reasons for some unidentified occurrence that all start with the same line, and it seems as if it was only done to make those last two lines have some meaning to the reader/listener.

(03-18-2016, 11:37 AM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: [ -> ]At the risk of stating the obvious, it's written entirely with spliced fragments. There isn't a single image, static or dynamic. The ideas don't connect very well, but I understand the reasons and ideas behind many of them. The subject is weak. As far as story goes, I really didn't get a proper introduction out of this. It is almost solely a list of reasons for some unidentified thing happening. It's not hard to make inferences, however.

Edit: Right, well my phone wouldn't let me send anything longer than the above review. Here's a little extension. The language is a bit rough on some lines (mostly regarding tense), which made reading it a little to difficult for me.  There is very inconsistent rhyme and meter, but those are forgivable (primarily the meter. Inconsistent rhyme does bother me a bit more).

There is thought to the piece, which is probably why I can appreciate this as lyrics, but as a poem to stand on its own, not so much. The last two lines, of course, are some of the strongest, though admittedly not very strong. It's one of those pieces where there seems to be far too much excess. Too much fat, not enough meat. You have written 18 lines (175 words) to make a laundry list of reasons for some unidentified occurrence that all start with the same line, and it seems as if it was only done to make those last two lines have some meaning to the reader/listener.

As I said before: Most things like the language and the lack of strong lines will be gone in the coming lyrics. So even if I of course understand your problem, there are some reasons to it, which I will also explain in this post. 
Except for the inconsistent rhymes and meter... sorry. I don't really like concistent rhymes, but I'll try to be at least a bit more consistent.

I think your biggest complain was that those are reasons for an "unidentified thing happening", because not understanding what it's about obviously takes away everything that could be good about it. I will definitly try to find a way to make it more obvious, maybe change the title, so the because is referring to that.

The first verse was actually there to tell you what it's about. It's first hinting about writing, and then in the third line it actually tells you what it's about: "...because OF THAT I'll write this down as a poem." Every line which is starting a sentence is a reason for the protagonist to write this (and the following lyrics), all the lines continuing a sentence are explaining the previous line.
His main reasons being: 
- That his voice would start shaking etc. when talking (social anxiety)
- Person not listening to the lines he/she should (because you can read something that's written over and over again until you understand it, but can sometimes not hear something in a conversation)
- Being sorry for a bunch of things and trying to make up for it using poetry

The poem being very plain and not interinstly written is the way he thinks of himself in a conversation. Boring, repetitive, just not a person you would want to talk to, because he "is not good enoug at it." So in the end he ends up making the same mistake he did in conversations in a poem and ends up seeing his mistake in the last verse. <- Of course I wasn't expecting anyone to understand all of that.

Oh and about: "I really didn't get a proper introduction out of this."
This really isn't a typical introduction, it's more of a list of topics that this EP will be about. As I know that you know the band I will just make a comparison: This is an introduction like "All our bruised bodies and the whole heart shrinks" is an outroduction for Wildlife. You could probably even compare my "Because" to Jordans "Tell me that you".

So, thanks a lot for your criticism. I'll try to make the topic(s) a little more obvious, maybe it would even be enough to change the title into something like "Writing because...". I don't know, but still, thanks for reading.

The small metapoetic bits were not lost to me, they just weren't very strongly written, in my opinion. "All our bruised bodies..." Has the advantage of being less of a laundry list than this however, and would certainly be able to stand on its own a lot more. It also produces some images, which I find none of here. This is closer to a small essay than a poem. Note also, wildlife is definitely much less poetic than rooms of the house, being more personal and abstract, though arguably less metaphysical.

I've read your explanation several times but saying still that the piece is about "THAT" is really not something identifiable on its own.  It is this fact that makes the piece a chore to read/analyze, not enjoyable. 18 "because's" aside, the piece is still too wordy.

If you're writing this and not expecting anyone to understand, perhaps you should look into nonsense poetry.

Edit: I'm already moving a bit out of the novice critique area, so I'll stop myself here on this one.

(03-19-2016, 04:23 AM)UselessBlueprint Wrote: [ -> ]The small metapoetic bits were not lost to me, they just weren't very strongly written, in my opinion. "All our bruised bodies..." Has the advantage of being less of a laundry list than this however, and would certainly be able to stand on its own a lot more. It also produces some images, which I find none of here. This is closer to a small essay than a poem. Note also, wildlife is definitely much less poetic than rooms of the house, being more personal and abstract, though arguably less metaphysical.

I've read your explanation several times but saying still that the piece is about "THAT" is really not something identifiable on its own.  It is this fact that makes the piece a chore to read/analyze, not enjoyable. 18 "because's" aside, the piece is still too wordy.

If you're writing this and not expecting anyone to understand, perhaps you should look into nonsense poetry.

Edit: I'm already moving a bit out of the novice critique area, so I'll stop myself here on this one.

With "not expecting anyone to understand this" I only meant the "writing it plain and boring to represent the conversation style of the protagonist", not everything.
But okay, I see that it's too hard to understand a lot of things, so even when it would of course get a little clearer after reading the following lyrics, I will definitly try to change some things to make it more obvious.

And I don't mind you going out of novice critique, I appreciate it and will work on the problems you stated.

Reading this as lyrics I can see somewhat your point, however if it were lyrics the only hook I see is the word because.  It doesn’t sound musical, it sounds very monotone and flat. You may want to find the chorus lines to break up your lyrics.
 
Thanks, Matt 

(03-18-2016, 10:53 AM)DerTomatenToaster Wrote: [ -> ]Because there is nothing as perfect as the written word,
because I'm scared of my emotions to be blurred,
because of that I'll write this down as a poem.

Because I know my voice would start shaking anyway.
Because I know that I would start to sway,
because I know that I'm not good enough at this.

Because there are so many things I wish I told you so much earlier,
because it would have changed so many thoughts I know you had,
because I think you would have understood.

Because I'm not sure if you listened to the lines you should.
Because I'm sorry for ever having tried,
because I'm sorry for having said any of this.

Because I'm sorry for not keeping that one promise,
because you weren't able to endure.
Because I'm sorry for being so insecure.

Because I'm sorry for saying "I'm sorry" so often,
because I know a word loses it's worth when being overused,
because it's like writing a poem and starting every line with the same fucking word.




Note:
As I said in the "hi" thread: The things I'll post for now are lyrics for the first EP of a band I'm the vocalist in. This is imporant to know, because we are a concept band, so all our songs will be one huge story. I know that this one doesn't seem to be very poetic in any way, but it has a few reasons that you may be able to understand or may not. 
However: If you don't like it, that's fine, I'm sure the next one I will post will be a lot more enjoyable, because it's in a very different writing style. I just post this one first, because I want to post them in the chronological order.

Hi DerTomatenToaster! I agree somewhat with the earlier critiques. I like the over all idea of the piece, but the delivery was tough for me. I understand it more as lyrics, but even then I think the "becauses" are a bit too repetitive. Also, I think you'd benefit from a few less instances of "I'm" and "I know". Overall, I think there may be a more creative and inventive way to say your message that would read well on the page and in song.

I don't know if you meant it, but I do like the end line and how it actually calls out your use of repetition. However, this isn't enough to make up for the annoyance the repetition creates.

I like the overall message (which I was correct on after reading one of your responses) and would love to see an edit of this!

we have a miscellaneous forum where song lyrics might be better appreciated, here lyrics or no the song will and should be treated as poetry.

in one line you say "I'll write this down as a poem." and go on to say "I'm not sure if you listened to the lines you should" is she reading or listening?

because it's like writing a poem and starting every line with the same fucking word. [then don't start with the same word, it's killing the song/poem]

the main problem for me is the lack of imagery, ever hear dillon's lyrics or lennons? they rife with imagery, with this you show nothing and say little. it's very basic at best,

Because I know my voice would start shaking anyway.
Because I know that I would start to sway,
because I know that I'm not good enough at this.

the above has nothing of worth going for it. how does your voice shake why would you sway, good enough at what.
because my voice would shake like....a/the [word of choice here]
is shake a good word to use with voice
my voice would rattle/babble/stammer/stutter like.... just examples.

in general the song is boring; as is the poem

a good song or poem can and should make the uninteresting interesting.

(03-18-2016, 10:53 AM)DerTomatenToaster Wrote: [ -> ]Because there is nothing as perfect as the written word,
because I'm scared of my emotions to be blurred,
because of that I'll write this down as a poem.

Because I know my voice would start shaking anyway.
Because I know that I would start to sway,
because I know that I'm not good enough at this.

Because there are so many things I wish I told you so much earlier,
because it would have changed so many thoughts I know you had,
because I think you would have understood.

Because I'm not sure if you listened to the lines you should.
Because I'm sorry for ever having tried,
because I'm sorry for having said any of this.

Because I'm sorry for not keeping that one promise,
because you weren't able to endure.
Because I'm sorry for being so insecure.

Because I'm sorry for saying "I'm sorry" so often,
because I know a word loses it's worth when being overused,
because it's like writing a poem and starting every line with the same fucking word.




Note:
As I said in the "hi" thread: The things I'll post for now are lyrics for the first EP of a band I'm the vocalist in. This is imporant to know, because we are a concept band, so all our songs will be one huge story. I know that this one doesn't seem to be very poetic in any way, but it has a few reasons that you may be able to understand or may not. 
However: If you don't like it, that's fine, I'm sure the next one I will post will be a lot more enjoyable, because it's in a very different writing style. I just post this one first, because I want to post them in the chronological order.