the end of an old life

[Achebe]

this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
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Loosing you was like God coming down
towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell
Grudges, weighed into my throat
like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long
Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb
because there is nothing to blame, not a thing
Just time and change, and things holding us back
and people and places
and money and loss
and I lost everything
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil
but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust
I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this
if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start
too early in life am I begging for another chance
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together
mercy, mercy
for the ones I have lost
and the ones I will loose
mercy, mercy
take me instead of them
take me instead of them
take them instead of me

Positives:
1. A few nice lines in 'like a book' and 'brambles and soil'
2. For 'Novice', there are relatively few cliches
3. The meter is smooth - I don't scan anything that I write: if it sounds good to my ear it works for me, and your poem is fine in that regard except for L6

Negatives:
Generally, a poem should be readable (or at least make sense) when it's written out without line breaks. Else, it's a ramble. This one is.
Also, you need to differentiate between 'lose' and 'loose'