What use have I for all the gold of Troy?

[tectak]

Hi Asho,
this getting dangerously close to being worthy The move in to Mild was the thing to do. Some of the problems are acceptable in novice but that's not what you want to hear. Expect repetition but here we go.
What use have I for all the gold of Troy? I want you to say you are syllable counting because it says two things. One...you can count and two...you care; but watch out for the meter monster. He cares not for syllables on their own, he wants the condiment of correct accent, too.
These weary eyes see not its ancient gleam. ...an easy ten count of straight pentameter. Fine.
Where once the verdant grass of Hope did grow ...so you want to do it again and you will. No matter that you have to add strange english as she is not spoke to get that perfect ten. Try " Where once the lush, green grass of hope grew high". This isn't clever (howls from others ) but it has ten syllables, it avoids hyperbole, it scans correctly and it contains the easy familiarity of the hidden cliche, the best kind. High hopes...get it? You are not rhyming so worry not.
Now stare the dry and cracked weeds of Doom. Oh dear. Footloose and tongue tied. Get the abacus out. To help you AND me stop capitalising each line. It is bloody confusing and we are not using offset printing presses. Unsure of cracked. Find a better word. What IS a cracked weed? How does a weed stare...cracked or otherwise? Metaphors should clarify, not obscure. So "stand" not "stare". Do you say crack-ed? No. So it does NOT scan. Read it out loud to your pedicurist. What is wrong with "crackling"? Unless, of course, you say crack-el-ling. I don't
The cruel winds of Age now roam the fields Somewhat comedic...medically speaking, but enough of this banter. You are over-metaphored and are sounding as if you have borborygmi...too difficult to digest. Cut some metaphors out and hang your flag (harrrrrumph ) on the CORE issue. See. I can do it, too
Where once Youth’s zephyr played his gentle tunes. Yep. Way too many mythical metaphorical musings. Hope, Doom, Age, Youth...Jeeze, it sounds like a footballer's family being called to canapes.
These courtyards, once so full of wine and song
Now lie forlorn, their walls bereft of hope, Two good lines without being too good. They "sit" well, Edith.
And dust from long-lost battles settles still "and" is a wasted, wasteful word. See what I did there? I could have said "and"  is a wasted AND wasteful word. Never waste an opportunity to SAY something useful, so "...their walls bereft of hope. Dry dust from long lost battles settles still, upon the fallen ones we loved so well." Frankly, the "so" word is also a so-and-so but keep going, keep going...don't loose it now...
Upon the fallen ones we loved so well.
Yet through the dark and perilous corridors AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! You mean PARLOUS godammit...so close. So very close. Per-i-luss is an an-a-pest. It has THREE syllables...so it does not fit. Par-luss has two so it does AND it has the advantage of being the mot juste.
Our children stride, their youthful heads held high, Back on track if getting preachy...a generalisation if ever I saw one. Still, nice sentiment. End this line with a semicolon to get rid of the "and" word, next line.
And bear our faded hopes and dreams with them "they bear our faded hopes and dreams with (pride, love, joy, etc)" Why not "them"? Again, read it out loud. The emphasis falls unnaturally on the insignificant "them". Can you hear it? You would say "...WITH them"...not "with THEM"...which is what your chosen meter dictates. It's not difficult because I can do it...usually.  
To brave new worlds beyond the distant stars. ...and throwing himself forward...he thrust through the finish line. This ending is rushed, ill-conceived (a long time ago by MANY others) and is NOT worthy. Say it a better way. I believe you can.

Good effort.Best,
tectak

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Many thanks to everyone for their comments; really useful and instructive. To be honest I wrote this many years ago (along with a few more) and havent written anything since. I was pretty busy with my work but also for some reason seemed to lose inspiration, almost overnight! Anyway dont want to bore you all with my life story but I'm trying to get back into this again so just thought I would cast this in and see what people thought. Really pleased at the depth of the comments. Lots to think about !! I agree the metre needs much closer attention and also the sense of the poem. And I'll go back and have a look at the rhyme scheme again. Re sh50 comments- interesting, hadnt thought of it that way, just the   a yearning for a lost era. Thanks again everyone!

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Sorry one quick question -Billy and UselessBluePrint, you both pointed out that "perilous" was two syllables. True but can it not be read as an elison, therefore a single syllable? Does that not work for you?

...not as well as PARLOUS and it is a proppa wurd. PER-I-LUSS is three not two.
tectak