What use have I for all the gold of Troy?
These weary eyes see not its ancient gleam.
Where once the verdant grass of Hope did grow
Now stare the dry and cracked weeds of Doom.
The cruel winds of Age now roam the fields
Where once Youth’s zephyr played his gentle tunes.
These courtyards, once so full of wine and song
Now lie forlorn, their walls bereft of hope,
And dust from long-lost battles settles still
Upon the fallen ones we loved so well.
Yet through the dark and perilous corridors
Our children stride, their youthful heads held high,
And bear our faded hopes and dreams with them
To brave new worlds beyond the distant stars.
a reasonable attempt at the sonnet if that's what you're trying for but it has problems. if not then it has few problems but problems nonetheless. a fixed meter would make for a tighter poem in places you're a half foot short. i pointed. if a sonnet then a rhyme scheme would be the usual thing to use.
(03-10-2016, 12:12 AM)Ashok1 Wrote: [ -> ]What use have I for all the gold of Troy?
These weary eyes see not its ancient gleam.
Where once the verdant grass of Hope did grow did grow feels forced
Now stare the dry and cracked weeds of Doom. i think the metaphor falls short in showing a good enough image. i think [stare] is the problem
The cruel winds of Age now roam the fields [metre is short] a suggestion would be so cruel, winds of Age now roam the fields
Where once Youth’s zephyr played his gentle tunes.
These courtyards, once so full of wine and song
Now lie forlorn, their walls bereft of hope,
And dust from long-lost battles settles still
Upon the fallen ones we loved so well.
Yet through the dark and perilous corridors half foot to much [perilous seems to be the culprit]
Our children stride, their youthful heads held high,
And bear our faded hopes and dreams with them
To brave new worlds beyond the distant stars.
This is a decent poem for 'Novice'.
I couldn't get used to the ambiguity in the POV - whether the speaker is in the past or present.
You'd need to cut down on the metaphors, and make them consistent.
(03-10-2016, 12:12 AM)Ashok1 Wrote: [ -> ]What use have I for all the gold of Troy? ...there is a POV problem. Does the speaker have all the gold of Troy available for his use? This would be a more appropriate sentiment for one who did, whereas the speaker seems to be
These weary eyes see not its ancient gleam. ......both 'weary eyes' and 'ancient gleam' are tired expressions, particularly 'ancient gleam' - that's both tired and a metaphor. If the poem is set in the present, then 'ancient gleam' is ok, but if in the aftermath of the war, confusing.
Where once the verdant grass of Hope did grow ...cut out the 'did' and rephrase the sentence. It's patently only there for the meter, and as a trick went out of the book 200 years ago. Also, 'verdant grass of Hope' is too flowery. No one writes like that anymore.
Now stare the dry and cracked weeds of Doom. ...how can weeds be 'cracked'? you've lost control of the metaphor. You jumped from dry to cracking, which is a natural connection, but doesn't apply in this case. 'Crackled' is fine, but doesn't fit the meter.
The cruel winds of Age now roam the fields ...more metaphor
Where once Youth’s zephyr played his gentle tunes. ...these metaphors are all over the place. What is a 'wind of age'? Is it stronger, weaker, drier, or wetter than a zephyr? 'Wind of age' does not bring any picture to my mind - it is an abstract, meaningless concept. To draw a contrast, you can talk about the winds of youth as being west winds (zephyr), and those of age as being north winds (boreas), and the metaphor would still make sense. Secondly, you are already dealing in one level of abstraction by having Troy's past personified as a wind. You are then taking it one step further and having the wind being personified by a youth playing a tune. Two levels of abstraction don't work.
These courtyards, once so full of wine and song
Now lie forlorn, their walls bereft of hope, ...more metaphor
And dust from long-lost battles settles still
Upon the fallen ones we loved so well. ...problem with the POV - is this in the present, or just after the war? if the present, 'loved so well' is confusing. If you insist that you love Andromache, then at least change the 'loved' to 'love' or 'have loved'.
Yet through the dark and perilous corridors
Our children stride, their youthful heads held high, ...now it's clear that the speaker is in the past
And bear our faded hopes and dreams with them
To brave new worlds beyond the distant stars. ... Star Trek? or did you mean 'distant seas'?
Strong poem for a novice! I'm not keen on the opening line and its rhetorical question, or on the overload of metaphors, in which the premise of the poem seems to become lost. The premise, to me, is that children pick up and carry forward the dreams and hopes of their parents. I'd like to see you revise this, trim the metaphors, and polish the meter and rhymes. It has the bones to be a very good sonnet.
I always get worried when I see sonnets being posted, especially as one's first thread. They never live up to my expectations. I think you have gotten the closest (in the novice forum) since I started lurking. The meter is broken in a few spots, I suspect Billy and Achebe pointed that much out so far. 'Cru-el' is far too forced, and 'crack-ed' just sounds like you're trying too hard to write like Shakespeare (no one speaks like that). My biggest metrical issue is line 11, as "perilous corridors" should be two dactyls. I can think of no reason to read them otherwise. As far as content goes, I actually quite like this. The first two lines do seem a bit undeveloped, however. The random (and particularly inconsistent) capitalization bothers me severely. Your view loses focus at the end. I'm okay with throwing "stars" in there, but they're completely devoid of substance.
This is a nostalgic poem on what was or what has been. It seems that the poet is lamenting the loss of innocence and natural factors that once used to prevail. Though not mentioned specifically, one feels that the author is lamenting the loss of nature to urbanization and technology and longs to be back in the carefree open ambiance of the good old days.
Many thanks to everyone for their comments; really useful and instructive. To be honest I wrote this many years ago (along with a few more) and havent written anything since. I was pretty busy with my work but also for some reason seemed to lose inspiration, almost overnight! Anyway dont want to bore you all with my life story but I'm trying to get back into this again so just thought I would cast this in and see what people thought. Really pleased at the depth of the comments. Lots to think about !! I agree the metre needs much closer attention and also the sense of the poem. And I'll go back and have a look at the rhyme scheme again. Re sh50 comments- interesting, hadnt thought of it that way, just the a yearning for a lost era. Thanks again everyone!
Sorry one quick question -Billy and UselessBluePrint, you both pointed out that "perilous" was two syllables. True but can it not be read as an elison, therefore a single syllable? Does that not work for you?
Hi, Ashok, welcome to the Pen. I (NE USA) pronounce it PER-il-ous COR-ri-dors, double dactyl as blueprint says.
Good luck with it, if you decide to work on it and would like it moved onto Mild for more exacting critique just let a mod or admin know.
Admittedly, most of my experience is still with Latin poetry, which has very strict rules of elision (and is often dactylic). English is much more fluid in that regard. Yet, I can't see why perilous corridors would elide into something like per'lous corridors. Or even worse, peril's corridors. In either case, corridors is still left as a dactyl, or a trochee if elided. From my memory, most English elision occurs when similar phonemes are next to each other. I'll double check that in a couple of hours, probably. -Edit- It occurred to me that you may have thinking along the lines of how many tend to elide the word "every" into "ev'ry." Typically, I like to mark that with an apostrophe, just so the reader isn't likely to read it incorrectly. That's preference though. In this case, I understand the idea of eliding "perilous" into "per'lous," but I don't think it reflects how people typically say it (at least in my area). I'll have to look into why I'm willing to accept "ev'ry" but not "per'lous." There may (or may not) be a good reason.
Honestly, I do think the material is very good, and I think it would benefit significantly from the mild forum. No pressure, though.
Many thanks for this. I entered this in the Novice section as it seemed a good starting point. I would be happy for it to be moved to Mild forum. Please could one of the mod or admin do this. Many thanks.
(03-10-2016, 12:12 AM)Ashok1 Wrote: [ -> ]Hi Asho,
this getting dangerously close to being worthy 
The move in to Mild was the thing to do. Some of the problems are acceptable in novice but that's not what you want to hear. Expect repetition but here we go.
What use have I for all the gold of Troy? I want you to say you are syllable counting because it says two things. One...you can count and two...you care; but watch out for the meter monster. He cares not for syllables on their own, he wants the condiment of correct accent, too.
These weary eyes see not its ancient gleam. ...an easy ten count of straight pentameter. Fine.
Where once the verdant grass of Hope did grow ...so you want to do it again and you will. No matter that you have to add strange english as she is not spoke to get that perfect ten. Try " Where once the lush, green grass of hope grew high". This isn't clever (howls from others ) but it has ten syllables, it avoids hyperbole, it scans correctly and it contains the easy familiarity of the hidden cliche, the best kind. High hopes...get it? You are not rhyming so worry not.
Now stare the dry and cracked weeds of Doom. Oh dear. Footloose and tongue tied. Get the abacus out. To help you AND me stop capitalising each line. It is bloody confusing and we are not using offset printing presses. Unsure of cracked. Find a better word. What IS a cracked weed? How does a weed stare...cracked or otherwise? Metaphors should clarify, not obscure. So "stand" not "stare". Do you say crack-ed? No. So it does NOT scan. Read it out loud to your pedicurist. What is wrong with "crackling"? Unless, of course, you say crack-el-ling. I don't
The cruel winds of Age now roam the fields Somewhat comedic...medically speaking, but enough of this banter. You are over-metaphored and are sounding as if you have borborygmi...too difficult to digest. Cut some metaphors out and hang your flag (harrrrrumph ) on the CORE issue. See. I can do it, too
Where once Youth’s zephyr played his gentle tunes. Yep. Way too many mythical metaphorical musings. Hope, Doom, Age, Youth...Jeeze, it sounds like a footballer's family being called to canapes.
These courtyards, once so full of wine and song
Now lie forlorn, their walls bereft of hope, Two good lines without being too good. They "sit" well, Edith.
And dust from long-lost battles settles still "and" is a wasted, wasteful word. See what I did there? I could have said "and" is a wasted AND wasteful word. Never waste an opportunity to SAY something useful, so "...their walls bereft of hope. Dry dust from long lost battles settles still, upon the fallen ones we loved so well." Frankly, the "so" word is also a so-and-so but keep going, keep going...don't loose it now...
Upon the fallen ones we loved so well.
Yet through the dark and perilous corridors AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH! You mean PARLOUS godammit...so close. So very close. Per-i-luss is an an-a-pest. It has THREE syllables...so it does not fit. Par-luss has two so it does AND it has the advantage of being the mot juste.
Our children stride, their youthful heads held high, Back on track if getting preachy...a generalisation if ever I saw one. Still, nice sentiment. End this line with a semicolon to get rid of the "and" word, next line.
And bear our faded hopes and dreams with them "they bear our faded hopes and dreams with (pride, love, joy, etc)" Why not "them"? Again, read it out loud. The emphasis falls unnaturally on the insignificant "them". Can you hear it? You would say "...WITH them"...not "with THEM"...which is what your chosen meter dictates. It's not difficult because I can do it...usually.
To brave new worlds beyond the distant stars. ...and throwing himself forward...he thrust through the finish line. This ending is rushed, ill-conceived (a long time ago by MANY others) and is NOT worthy. Say it a better way. I believe you can.
Good effort.Best,
tectak
[/b]
(03-11-2016, 01:18 AM)Ashok1 Wrote: [ -> ]Many thanks to everyone for their comments; really useful and instructive. To be honest I wrote this many years ago (along with a few more) and havent written anything since. I was pretty busy with my work but also for some reason seemed to lose inspiration, almost overnight! Anyway dont want to bore you all with my life story but I'm trying to get back into this again so just thought I would cast this in and see what people thought. Really pleased at the depth of the comments. Lots to think about !! I agree the metre needs much closer attention and also the sense of the poem. And I'll go back and have a look at the rhyme scheme again. Re sh50 comments- interesting, hadnt thought of it that way, just the a yearning for a lost era. Thanks again everyone!
Sorry one quick question -Billy and UselessBluePrint, you both pointed out that "perilous" was two syllables. True but can it not be read as an elison, therefore a single syllable? Does that not work for you?
...not as well as PARLOUS
and it is a proppa wurd. PER-I-LUSS is three not two.
tectak