the end of an old life

[tectak]

Hey faerykid, I'm a newbie too!  I enjoyed parts of this; where it was going, and the two lines you ended with.  But I feel you lost it somewhere in the middle.

this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
___


Loosing you was like God coming down                                     - *losing

towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell                            - Flows better with one less syllable perhaps (ie.  towards the/my sky from east...) 
                                                                                                    There's some confusion with this loss feeling like a pardon to Hell given how hellish in
                                                                                                    nature the following lines depict.


Grudges, weighed into my throat                                              

like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long



Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws                   
                                                                                                 - Interesting to relate last breath (something seemingly passive and final) to the explosive
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb        nature of a ticking bomb.  More of an actual death gasp (morbid, but perhaps fitting). I 
                                                                                                   would replace "like" with a semi-colon (.



because there is nothing to blame, not a thing                           - Using "because" seems somewhat choppy.  Try dropping it and starting that line with

                                                                                                    "There is..."            
Just time and change, and things holding us back                      - You start to lose me around here and the following lines with the heavy repetition of "and"




and people and places

and money and loss



and I lost everything                                                                  - Where it seemed to start out with direction, it begins to feel very conversational and more

                                                                                                    stream-of-consciousness than anything.
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil



but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust  - I like this line; the thought.  But does dust crumble?



I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this                      - You could drop this line and the one after altogether as they seem to only dilute



if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start



too early in life am I begging for another chance                            -  Capitalize start of line, comma at end
                                                                                                     
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together                       - Drop "together"



mercy, mercy

for the ones I have lost

and the ones I will loose                                                                  - *lose



mercy, mercy

take me instead of them                                                                - Punctuation and capitalization through these last several lines is missing.  Somewhat

                                                                                                        inconsistent throughout.  You don't have to capitalize at all but should choose either or.
take me instead of them                                                                - I feel like these last lines still carry the same weight without having to repeat "take
take them instead of me                                                                  me instead of them" twice.

Again, I like the overall sentiment but a lot could be improved upon by simplifying and cutting some lines/words to bring it all back into focus.

Note to ephemerald. Well done to you for in depth  crit but please do not advise outdated line start capitalising. It confuses and is  retro, having been all but abandoned fifty plus years ago. There are some who hang on to the habit believing it is "poetic". It is not. Nonetheless your comment on consistency was well judged as line capitalising is an editorial choice, though a poor one for the reasons given.
Best, Mod.

---

Hey faerykid, I'm a newbie too!  I enjoyed parts of this; where it was going, and the two lines you ended with.  But I feel you lost it somewhere in the middle.

this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
___


Loosing you was like God coming down                                     - *losing

towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell                            - Flows better with one less syllable perhaps (ie.  towards the/my sky from east...) 
                                                                                                    There's some confusion with this loss feeling like a pardon to Hell given how hellish in
                                                                                                    nature the following lines depict.


Grudges, weighed into my throat                                              

like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long



Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws                   
                                                                                                 - Interesting to relate last breath (something seemingly passive and final) to the explosive
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb        nature of a ticking bomb.  More of an actual death gasp (morbid, but perhaps fitting). I 
                                                                                                   would replace "like" with a semi-colon (.



because there is nothing to blame, not a thing                           - Using "because" seems somewhat choppy.  Try dropping it and starting that line with

                                                                                                    "There is..."            
Just time and change, and things holding us back                      - You start to lose me around here and the following lines with the heavy repetition of "and"




and people and places

and money and loss



and I lost everything                                                                  - Where it seemed to start out with direction, it begins to feel very conversational and more

                                                                                                    stream-of-consciousness than anything.
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil



but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust  - I like this line; the thought.  But does dust crumble?



I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this                      - You could drop this line and the one after altogether as they seem to only dilute



if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start



too early in life am I begging for another chance                            -  Capitalize start of line, comma at end
                                                                                                     
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together                       - Drop "together"



mercy, mercy

for the ones I have lost

and the ones I will loose                                                                  - *lose



mercy, mercy

take me instead of them                                                                - Punctuation and capitalization through these last several lines is missing.  Somewhat

                                                                                                        inconsistent throughout.  You don't have to capitalize at all but should choose either or.
take me instead of them                                                                - I feel like these last lines still carry the same weight without having to repeat "take
take them instead of me                                                                  me instead of them" twice.

Again, I like the overall sentiment but a lot could be improved upon by simplifying and cutting some lines/words to bring it all back into focus.