It's True, The Earth Is Flat edit 1 (Tiger, Tom, Achebe)

[ellajam]

It's True, The Earth Is Flat (a response to Dale's Fresh and Young)


I hear your pleas to start again,
your longing to reclaim youth's yang, .....I'd prefer 'your burning yen for youthful yang' (look! an almost - pun!) I love your line, good chance I'll steal it. Thank you.
to wear again the supple skin
as if life were a boomerang. ....I understand that boomerangs come back and life doesn't, but since a boomerang has nothing to do with supple skin, the simile is weak.  I would suggest 'and run from being life's also-ran'. I thought of that line and therefore I love it  .Even if it's not 100% sensible.You love this one more than I do but point taken, the fun with boomerang may be limited to my own, I'll think hard on it.

Am I the only one who feels
one lifetime has been quite enough, .....nice 2 lines
whose fractured soul still quakes and reels .....I like the preceding two lines, but 'fractured soul' is going too far
at images so sharp, so tough 
to comprehend as human cries .....'images so tough to comprehend as human cries ring out to heavens born of dreams....' this is going into a death spiral Yes, a death spiral is the point, but I fear that's not how you meant this. Needs work.
ring out to heavens born of dreams,
who's had their fill of truth, of lies
and soured on unending schemes?

I wonder if I'll feel the same
the day I'm stepping off this plane. .....nice ending

the poem has a workable head and feet. the body is missing... unless that's the whole point of the poem, a clever, clever, pun?

Not that clever that I thought of it specifically that way, but it started out aimed for the Fun Forum then the finished piece had less fun than I intended. I sort of like the contrast.

Thanks so much for your thoughtful and useful comments and suggestions, much appreciated.