the end of an old life

[ephemerald]

Hey faerykid, I'm a newbie too!  I enjoyed parts of this; where it was going, and the two lines you ended with.  But I feel you lost it somewhere in the middle.

this is the first poem i post here (but not my very first poem). thanks
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Loosing you was like God coming down                                     - *losing

towards my sky from the east, to pardon Hell                            - Flows better with one less syllable perhaps (ie.  towards the/my sky from east...) 
                                                                                                    There's some confusion with this loss feeling like a pardon to Hell given how hellish in
                                                                                                    nature the following lines depict.


Grudges, weighed into my throat                                              

like a book, heavy and five hundred pages long



Listing my transgressions, my infractions, my flaws                   
                                                                                                 - Interesting to relate last breath (something seemingly passive and final) to the explosive
my last breath welling up inside my lungs like a ticking bomb        nature of a ticking bomb.  More of an actual death gasp (morbid, but perhaps fitting). I 
                                                                                                   would replace "like" with a semi-colon (.



because there is nothing to blame, not a thing                           - Using "because" seems somewhat choppy.  Try dropping it and starting that line with

                                                                                                    "There is..."            
Just time and change, and things holding us back                      - You start to lose me around here and the following lines with the heavy repetition of "and"




and people and places

and money and loss



and I lost everything                                                                  - Where it seemed to start out with direction, it begins to feel very conversational and more

                                                                                                    stream-of-consciousness than anything.
its all being reclaimed by the bramble and soil



but I would do it all again before I returned to the crumbling dust  - I like this line; the thought.  But does dust crumble?



I would do it again a thousand times if I could fix this                      - You could drop this line and the one after altogether as they seem to only dilute



if I could save them, save us all, I would return to the start



too early in life am I begging for another chance                            -  Capitalize start of line, comma at end
                                                                                                     
pleading at the feet of God, hands clasped together                       - Drop "together"



mercy, mercy

for the ones I have lost

and the ones I will loose                                                                  - *lose



mercy, mercy

take me instead of them                                                                - Punctuation and capitalization through these last several lines is missing.  Somewhat

                                                                                                        inconsistent throughout.  You don't have to capitalize at all but should choose either or.
take me instead of them                                                                - I feel like these last lines still carry the same weight without having to repeat "take
take them instead of me                                                                  me instead of them" twice.

Again, I like the overall sentiment but a lot could be improved upon by simplifying and cutting some lines/words to bring it all back into focus.