03-10-2016, 11:59 AM
I always get worried when I see sonnets being posted, especially as one's first thread. They never live up to my expectations. I think you have gotten the closest (in the novice forum) since I started lurking. The meter is broken in a few spots, I suspect Billy and Achebe pointed that much out so far. 'Cru-el' is far too forced, and 'crack-ed' just sounds like you're trying too hard to write like Shakespeare (no one speaks like that). My biggest metrical issue is line 11, as "perilous corridors" should be two dactyls. I can think of no reason to read them otherwise. As far as content goes, I actually quite like this. The first two lines do seem a bit undeveloped, however. The random (and particularly inconsistent) capitalization bothers me severely. Your view loses focus at the end. I'm okay with throwing "stars" in there, but they're completely devoid of substance.
If you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room.
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona