02-24-2016, 11:18 PM
Lovely, great image and fun to read. I especially like these lines:
Then as if they were in trance
They broke into a sprightly dance.
The waves beside them in the bay
Danced and rolled in sympathy.
Not as successful as the rest were these lines:
A poet, be he straight or gay,
Would enjoy such company.
I stayed and gazed and then I thought
What joy this show to me had brought.
Straight or gay sounds forced for the rhyme, why would it matter? The rest resorts to twisted inversions and stands out as forced compared to the rest of the piece which reads so naturally. I'm sure you could do better here because you have.
Then as if they were in trance
They broke into a sprightly dance.
The waves beside them in the bay
Danced and rolled in sympathy.
Not as successful as the rest were these lines:
A poet, be he straight or gay,
Would enjoy such company.
I stayed and gazed and then I thought
What joy this show to me had brought.
Straight or gay sounds forced for the rhyme, why would it matter? The rest resorts to twisted inversions and stands out as forced compared to the rest of the piece which reads so naturally. I'm sure you could do better here because you have.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips