Smoking Stupid

[71degrees]

Hi 71 degrees.  I have read this before, perhaps on a different site.  I recall the frightened pieces of cotton string and the smoking with thin lips ever since.
So that is a great thing, the memorable nature of it.  I love the line, "frightened pieces of string."  It is interesting that the narrator's soul is tied up this way.
This smoking with thin lips ever since is an odd little detail that I like because when one smokes (I used to but successfully quit) the lips do pull in and tighten, thinning up, especially if one is really sucking it down for a super quick smoke.

One thing I am not quite sure I like is that the girl is just referred to as the older girl.  Maybe just as the girl with her description and add she was older after???  Love love love the frightened pieces of string.  

Thanks for the look here, Casey.  Glad things are working for you.  I refer to the female as simply "the older girl" b/c she was. Nothing more, nothing less, I guess. It was just someone I hooked up with back in the day. Easier to label her "older" than name her.  Not sure I see the advantage of describing her later in the poem as such.

---

I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started up talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

S1 is superb. Loved 'plated, bronze skin' (plated reminds me both of hard / tough and covered with piercings and rings), 'lonely afternoon' - although a common expression, it sounds natural in this poem. 'box of niceness' is evocative. 'frightened pieces of cotton string', though, I thought was lovely nonsense.

S2 and S3 represent a comedown from the drama of the opening, but still make for entertaining reading.

Well, if it's still entertaining after a "let down" I am inclined to keep it as is.  Thanks.

---

I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started up talking about my soul, I don't think you need "up" here -- breaks the smoothness unnecessarily, for me.
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

The poem does get kinda weaker at the end, but there's no need to change for that, I think. The read of the bit of dialogue for me wasn't as smooth, because though my mind got the flow of the conversation right, my eyes keep asking for italics or quotation marks. The change in time between stanzas 2 and 3 is clear enough for me, and the turn in thought is clear enough too; that great space between the two might be too much, for something this short. Something like ellipsis or em dash instead, perhaps?

I like this. I sorta wonder if this poem's title is a reference to another Raymond Carver poem I just read: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-7845....ond+carver

agree about "up"...thanks.  Made the edit. I have looked at this with italics, w/quote marks, dashes, etc. b/c I sort of agree w/you.  Sort of.  I am inclined to keep it as is for now.  The title is just made up junk.  I rarely post my stuff w/"real" titles. But thanks for asking.  Thanks for your time here.  Appreciate the comments.