Original

I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.


New Version

I remember her plated, bronze skin.
And when she talked about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

She was naked and asked me for a cigarette,
like we were in a sexy movie from the '70's.

"Only for stupid folks," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Maybe it's time you started,"  she replied.

Been smoking a pack-a-day Old Golds
with thin lips ever since.

Hi 71 degrees. I have read this before, perhaps on a different site. I recall the frightened pieces of cotton string and the smoking with thin lips ever since.
So that is a great thing, the memorable nature of it. I love the line, "frightened pieces of string." It is interesting that the narrator's soul is tied up this way.
This smoking with thin lips ever since is an odd little detail that I like because when one smokes (I used to but successfully quit) the lips do pull in and tighten, thinning up, especially if one is really sucking it down for a super quick smoke.

One thing I am not quite sure I like is that the girl is just referred to as the older girl. Maybe just as the girl with her description and add she was older after??? Love love love the frightened pieces of string.

(02-21-2016, 04:48 AM)71degrees Wrote:  I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started up talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

S1 is superb. Loved 'plated, bronze skin' (plated reminds me both of hard / tough and covered with piercings and rings), 'lonely afternoon' - although a common expression, it sounds natural in this poem. 'box of niceness' is evocative. 'frightened pieces of cotton string', though, I thought was lovely nonsense.

S2 and S3 represent a comedown from the drama of the opening, but still make for entertaining reading.

(02-21-2016, 04:48 AM)71degrees Wrote:  I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started up talking about my soul, I don't think you need "up" here -- breaks the smoothness unnecessarily, for me.
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

The poem does get kinda weaker at the end, but there's no need to change for that, I think. The read of the bit of dialogue for me wasn't as smooth, because though my mind got the flow of the conversation right, my eyes keep asking for italics or quotation marks. The change in time between stanzas 2 and 3 is clear enough for me, and the turn in thought is clear enough too; that great space between the two might be too much, for something this short. Something like ellipsis or em dash instead, perhaps?

I like this. I sorta wonder if this poem's title is a reference to another Raymond Carver poem I just read: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-7845....ond+carver

(02-21-2016, 10:12 AM)Casey Renee Wrote:  Hi 71 degrees.  I have read this before, perhaps on a different site.  I recall the frightened pieces of cotton string and the smoking with thin lips ever since.
So that is a great thing, the memorable nature of it.  I love the line, "frightened pieces of string."  It is interesting that the narrator's soul is tied up this way.
This smoking with thin lips ever since is an odd little detail that I like because when one smokes (I used to but successfully quit) the lips do pull in and tighten, thinning up, especially if one is really sucking it down for a super quick smoke.

One thing I am not quite sure I like is that the girl is just referred to as the older girl.  Maybe just as the girl with her description and add she was older after???  Love love love the frightened pieces of string.  

Thanks for the look here, Casey.  Glad things are working for you.  I refer to the female as simply "the older girl" b/c she was. Nothing more, nothing less, I guess. It was just someone I hooked up with back in the day. Easier to label her "older" than name her.  Not sure I see the advantage of describing her later in the poem as such.

---

(02-21-2016, 11:03 AM)Achebe Wrote:  

(02-21-2016, 04:48 AM)71degrees Wrote:  I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started up talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

S1 is superb. Loved 'plated, bronze skin' (plated reminds me both of hard / tough and covered with piercings and rings), 'lonely afternoon' - although a common expression, it sounds natural in this poem. 'box of niceness' is evocative. 'frightened pieces of cotton string', though, I thought was lovely nonsense.

S2 and S3 represent a comedown from the drama of the opening, but still make for entertaining reading.

Well, if it's still entertaining after a "let down" I am inclined to keep it as is.  Thanks.

---

(02-21-2016, 09:20 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  

(02-21-2016, 04:48 AM)71degrees Wrote:  I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started up talking about my soul, I don't think you need "up" here -- breaks the smoothness unnecessarily, for me.
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

The poem does get kinda weaker at the end, but there's no need to change for that, I think. The read of the bit of dialogue for me wasn't as smooth, because though my mind got the flow of the conversation right, my eyes keep asking for italics or quotation marks. The change in time between stanzas 2 and 3 is clear enough for me, and the turn in thought is clear enough too; that great space between the two might be too much, for something this short. Something like ellipsis or em dash instead, perhaps?

I like this. I sorta wonder if this poem's title is a reference to another Raymond Carver poem I just read: http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-7845....ond+carver

agree about "up"...thanks.  Made the edit. I have looked at this with italics, w/quote marks, dashes, etc. b/c I sort of agree w/you.  Sort of.  I am inclined to keep it as is for now.  The title is just made up junk.  I rarely post my stuff w/"real" titles. But thanks for asking.  Thanks for your time here.  Appreciate the comments.

The first stanza is great, and like others have said, the poem seems to dwindle toward the end. However I like this effect, as it seems like the narrator also feels less full at the end of the poem. His lips have "thinned" and he's become one of the "stupid folks." I also enjoyed the phrase "older girl" as I've had an older girlfriend when I was in high school, and she proved to be quite influential (in a non-beneficial sort of way). Good job.

yes i agree, it loses a sense of rhythm or something at the end but this doesn't really need to change. it makes it interesting. I like the lack of "i've" (been smoking a pack...). it suggests a deterioration in the poet, and somehow brings a smile. it reminds me of Bob Dylan

(02-21-2016, 04:48 AM)71degrees Wrote:  I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

this gave me goosebumps   :3 

(03-01-2016, 07:29 AM)mackzmike Wrote:  The first stanza is great, and like others have said, the poem seems to dwindle toward the end. However I like this effect, as it seems like the narrator also feels less full at the end of the poem. His lips have "thinned" and he's become one of the "stupid folks." I also enjoyed the phrase "older girl" as I've had an older girlfriend when I was in high school, and she proved to be quite influential (in a non-beneficial sort of way). Good job.

Thanks for the comments about "older girl"....I've had doubts from others about this. I'd like to keep it and this helps me reinforce my thoughts. I'll have to do something toward the end b/c I'm baffled as to the comments suggesting "dwindling" or "let down"....to me, the whole poem is about the end. These two have nothing in common, not even nicotine so the dumb shit starts smoking and doesn't stay w/her anyway.

---

(03-12-2016, 11:36 AM)jameso Wrote:  yes i agree, it loses a sense of rhythm or something at the end but this doesn't really need to change. it makes it interesting. I like the lack of "i've" (been smoking a pack...). it suggests a deterioration in the poet, and somehow brings a smile. it reminds me of Bob Dylan

Love Dylan. I once won a poetry contest sponsored by Dylan's hometown...got invited to read. Alas, never made it. Thanks for your three cents here.

---

(03-13-2016, 05:13 AM)helenalovern@gmail.com Wrote:  

(02-21-2016, 04:48 AM)71degrees Wrote:  I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

this gave me goosebumps   :3 

Am glad

I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin. - I like how well the imagery of an almost Greek goddess looking woman is evoked in my mind thank to this line.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied - "A box of niceness" doesn't make any sense. I understand that it isn't perhaps meant to absolutely make any sense but there is no way to imagine this. What if you utilized something other than "niceness"

with frightened pieces of cotton string. - "frightened" pieces of cotton, although technically makes no sense, it does come across strongly visually when you imagine cotton strings fluttering while being tied almost as though they are frightened. What didn't work in the line above this one, works here nicely.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. - "only for stupid folks" sounds disjointed, It would be nicer if you could rephrase this so it is clear that this is the narrator's opinion. Right now it makes little sense after the comma.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since. - what is the significance of the thin lips? I'm afraid I didn't not understand it. Is it because of how the lips look while taking a drag?

Otherwise I really like the how it reads like a condensed short story. And the way at the end the time shifts from past to present quite suddenly, which surprisingly works for me. It is jarring in a good way.

Hi..

I actually liked the part "Later, she asked me for a cigarette. I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. She replied maybe it was time I started." as far as getting your overall message across. I'd omit the word "Later," as it is already there implied. I'm also a bit confused by "Only for stupid folks". I agree with previous comments that the last bit needs some developing to keep the overall poem balanced from a spoken or read standpoint.

Having said that, I think it being kind of cut-off at the end is a nice stylistic element. It's like the momentum of being with the woman is high early on but as it continues it dissipates, ending in a very short, mater-of-fact tone. To me, that's kind of a signature touch and I'd argue, worth keeping.

Hey again 71. Recognized you in this right away. You have a gift for sounding like you.

Bad girl gets nice boy to turn bad is a bit predictable. Could you make it a little more surprising?

I don't like "folks". They're young, doesn't sit right. Or "made love". If he's smoking a pack a day since then he'd be edgier than that now.

Just thoughts.

-jc

(04-18-2016, 04:31 PM)Shrewbe Wrote:  I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin. - I like how well the imagery of an almost Greek goddess looking woman is evoked in my mind thank to this line.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied - "A box of niceness" doesn't make any sense. I understand that it isn't perhaps meant to absolutely make any sense but there is no way to imagine this. What if you utilized something other than "niceness"

with frightened pieces of cotton string. - "frightened" pieces of cotton, although technically makes no sense, it does come across strongly visually when you imagine cotton strings fluttering while being tied almost as though they are frightened. What didn't work in the line above this one, works here nicely.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. - "only for stupid folks" sounds disjointed, It would be nicer if you could rephrase this so it is clear that this is the narrator's opinion. Right now it makes little sense after the comma.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since. - what is the significance of the thin lips? I'm afraid I didn't not understand it. Is it because of how the lips look while taking a drag?

Otherwise I really like the how it reads like a condensed short story. And the way at the end the time shifts from past to present quite suddenly, which surprisingly works for me. It is jarring in a good way.

I like your comments.  Very much.  After all this time, I agree the poem needs some form of punctuation and/or italics to make it clear who's talking and what they are saying.  Thanks for your last paragraph.  Gives me great encouragement.  And the thing about "thin lips" is you never trust ANYONE with thin lips.  Didn't your mother teach you anything?  

---

(04-21-2016, 06:03 AM)lr3ke100 Wrote:  Hi..

I actually liked the part "Later, she asked me for a cigarette. I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks. She replied maybe it was time I started." as far as getting your overall message across. I'd omit the word "Later," as it is already there implied. I'm also a bit confused by "Only for stupid folks". I agree with previous comments that the last bit needs some developing to keep the overall poem balanced from a spoken or read standpoint.

Having said that, I think it being kind of cut-off at the end is a nice stylistic element. It's like the momentum of being with the woman is high early on but as it continues it dissipates, ending in a very short, mater-of-fact tone. To me, that's kind of a signature touch and I'd argue, worth keeping.

Thanks for your comments, Ir3ke100 (a normal name might help you).  Like your second paragraph. I couldn't agree more.  "Only for stupid folks" is how stupid I was.  I pretty much started smoking for her.  Smoked 225,000 of the little fuckers before I quit.  Now that's pretty stupid.

---

(04-30-2016, 08:57 AM)justcloudy Wrote:  Hey again 71. Recognized you in this right away. You have a gift for sounding like you.

Bad girl gets nice boy to turn bad is a bit predictable. Could you make it a little more surprising?

I don't like "folks". They're young, doesn't sit right. Or "made love". If he's smoking a pack a day since then he'd be edgier than that now.

Just thoughts.

-jc

Hi.  If you recognize me in this you would understand why "folks" must stay.  I've been saying that all my life.  "Edgier" is an interesting take.  I like that.  Thanks for your thoughts.

---

Original

I remember her, the older girl
with plated, bronze skin.
After we made love one lonely afternoon,
she started talking about my soul,
how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

Later, she asked me for a cigarette.
I rolled my eyes, Only for stupid folks.
She replied maybe it was time I started.

Been smoking a pack a day
with thin lips ever since.

THANKS FOR ALL COMMENTS    

New Version

I remember her plated, bronze skin.
And when she talked about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

She was naked and asked me for a cigarette,
like we were in a sexy movie from the '70's.

"Only for stupid folks," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Maybe it's time you started," she replied.

Been smoking a pack-a-day Old Golds
with thin lips ever since.

Big fan of the edit. I like the slower pace and increased focus. I still can't quite wrap by head around frightened string, I like the box of niceness so much, I just don't get from the poem what the fright is about. Maybe in this version it will come to me. Thanks for the read.

Quote:New Version

I remember her plated, bronze skin.
And when she talked about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

She was naked and asked me for a cigarette,
like we were in a sexy movie from the '70's.

"Only for stupid folks," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Maybe it's time you started," she replied.

Been smoking a pack-a-day Old Golds
with thin lips ever since.

(02-21-2016, 04:48 AM)71degrees Wrote:  Original




New Version

I remember her plated, bronze skin.
And when she talked about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.

She was naked and asked me for a cigarette,
like we were in a sexy movie from the '70's.

"Only for stupid folks," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Maybe it's time you started,"  she replied.

Been smoking a pack-a-day Old Golds
with thin lips ever since.

 Yeah know, I really like this. I actually really like the line "tied with frightened pieces of cotton string." What I take from this line is that this person, this "box of niceness" is afraid to fully show themselves, whether through social awkwardness or self-defensiveness so they feel seem bound by these things, these  "frightened pieces of cotton string."

(02-21-2016, 04:48 AM)71degrees Wrote:  New Version

I remember her plated, bronze skin. Plated? I get the idea of her defensiveness, or shielding, but the image of her actual skin being plated confuses me... I see the bronze tan, just not the plates. Could be missing something.
And when she talked about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.I like frightened. It makes me see frayed string without you saying it. A delicate line and stanza. Good.

She was naked and asked me for a cigarette,
like we were in a sexy movie from the '70's. Not as happy with this line. You've shown yourself up with the line before... Then again, I can't think of another way to say it. I would just think on switching it up, though I don't terribly dislike it. I just want more frightened pieces of string.

"Only for stupid folks," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Maybe it's time you started,"  she replied.  Not so much a fan of the rhyme here. To me, it makes the exchange of dialogue feel unnatural, fabricated, even though what you have your characters saying to each other is very good in itself

Been smoking a pack-a-day Old Golds Hmm. a pack-a-day of Old Golds maybe?
with thin lips ever since.

Nice way to end, also like the title. I enjoyed this one.

(05-13-2016, 04:00 AM)Cousin Kil Wrote:  

(02-21-2016, 04:48 AM)71degrees Wrote:  New Version

I remember her plated, bronze skin. Plated? I get the idea of her defensiveness, or shielding, but the image of her actual skin being plated confuses me... I see the bronze tan, just not the plates. Could be missing something.
And when she talked about my soul,

how it was like a box of niceness, tied
with frightened pieces of cotton string.I like frightened. It makes me see frayed string without you saying it. A delicate line and stanza. Good.

She was naked and asked me for a cigarette,
like we were in a sexy movie from the '70's. Not as happy with this line. You've shown yourself up with the line before... Then again, I can't think of another way to say it. I would just think on switching it up, though I don't terribly dislike it. I just want more frightened pieces of string.

"Only for stupid folks," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Maybe it's time you started,"  she replied.  Not so much a fan of the rhyme here. To me, it makes the exchange of dialogue feel unnatural, fabricated, even though what you have your characters saying to each other is very good in itself

Been smoking a pack-a-day Old Golds Hmm. a pack-a-day of Old Golds maybe?
with thin lips ever since.

Nice way to end, also like the title. I enjoyed this one.

Things bronzed are plated. Maybe I don't need both. Will think on this. Thanks for the comments.