02-21-2016, 12:43 AM
Hallaig:
Bells: nothing so ancient, this time. Reference to the safety coffin. Ringing a bell in bed is perfectly possible....ever tried it? If the walls are thin in your place, don't.
Two dashes: that's how I denote an em dash. I don't know my unicodes or whatever, and I don't have that number pad thing anyway. Meant to show how the two sentences are not independent, but how their closeness isn't as close as with, say, a semicolon -- but (hehe) I tend to overuse it, anyway. Not sure if this is a case, though.
by your feet cuts the thought-rhythm in a good way, I think -- everything that follows is just so, er, vivid, and yet so separate, that it'd be kinda too much not to.
Achebe:
Again, safety coffin. Although masturbating (which is much easier to type, ahem) is a double meaning that could work....hmm. Will think about clarifying, now that it's been twice noted.
"that ancient measure of life in the potter's field suspended" reads clear to me, even with the inversion -- the ancient measure of life, the bell, is suspended in the potter's field -- but I'm usually wrong with this. This is prolly the section I'll reword, for the safety coffin reference to work, but I'll try and keep suspended, cuz' it feels perfect for "potter's field".
I disagree that the morbidity here is inappropriate. waiting for sleep, potter's field, fallen leaves, and then potter's field, suspended, cock's crows, Christ -- the reveal here is very well supported, though I guess what it reveals is still a bit confusing. I'll think of a way to clarify that.
Thank you both for the feedback! Welcome to the pigpen, Hallaig!
Bells: nothing so ancient, this time. Reference to the safety coffin. Ringing a bell in bed is perfectly possible....ever tried it? If the walls are thin in your place, don't.
Two dashes: that's how I denote an em dash. I don't know my unicodes or whatever, and I don't have that number pad thing anyway. Meant to show how the two sentences are not independent, but how their closeness isn't as close as with, say, a semicolon -- but (hehe) I tend to overuse it, anyway. Not sure if this is a case, though.
by your feet cuts the thought-rhythm in a good way, I think -- everything that follows is just so, er, vivid, and yet so separate, that it'd be kinda too much not to.
Achebe:
Again, safety coffin. Although masturbating (which is much easier to type, ahem) is a double meaning that could work....hmm. Will think about clarifying, now that it's been twice noted.
"that ancient measure of life in the potter's field suspended" reads clear to me, even with the inversion -- the ancient measure of life, the bell, is suspended in the potter's field -- but I'm usually wrong with this. This is prolly the section I'll reword, for the safety coffin reference to work, but I'll try and keep suspended, cuz' it feels perfect for "potter's field".
I disagree that the morbidity here is inappropriate. waiting for sleep, potter's field, fallen leaves, and then potter's field, suspended, cock's crows, Christ -- the reveal here is very well supported, though I guess what it reveals is still a bit confusing. I'll think of a way to clarify that.
Thank you both for the feedback! Welcome to the pigpen, Hallaig!