Bitter farewell

[Erthona]

Bitter farewell

Arthur, see him lying there,
cold and dead,
This is not the Arthur I knew,
where is the life,
the relentless vigor,
the burning intellect,
That helped forge this kingdom,
from petty kings?
 
How I hated you,
so noble and pure,
always the country first,
before yourself, before me.
How difficult to live
in your shadow, cold.
Where was the warmth
of a husband?
 
Duty always came first to you,
duty to the country.
Damn this country
that sucked the life from our love.
Our marriage bed so often cold,
I needed warmth,
all I received was the frigid honor
of being your queen.
 
For all his burning, Lancelot
was not near so warm as you,
but your duty always
stood between us,
like a wall between
a cold traveler and the fire.
Damn you Arthur,
how dare you leave me now.
 
It was not the queen that betrayed you,
it was the women,
but you betrayed me first,
left me to him,
then condemned me
when I sought him out,
but yours was the greater affair.
 
You always loved this country
more than you loved me,
and then expected me
to bed down with her.
You made love to her,
let her suck the life from you,
this vampire bitch,
this wanton whore, this Britain.
 
Now that she no longer
has you on which to suckle,
she will now come for me.
Sucking from these barren teats,
leaving me a dried out husk,
just as you, nothing left,
not even a good meal for the worms.
 
They call me whore, slut,
perpetrator of treason,
but that is only because
my sins were so petty.
You never committed petty crimes,
yours were always
the sins of the gods.
 
That is why they hate me!
My sins were so mundane,
yours were always so terribly grand.
They forgave you, even the time
you had all those children slaughtered,
trying to find your errant seed,
that bastard of your downfall, Mordred.
 
No, they forgave you even that,
for wasn't that like the hand of Zeus,
striking down from the heavens
taking life indiscriminately,
for a larger purpose?
No, my real crime was being a woman,
having a woman’s needs.
 
The people of this fairyland,
will stand only so much humanness
in their gods before they cast them down.
How could you leave me
all alone like this Arthur?
Leaving me to these dogs to tear; 
a piece of meat to savage.
 
Is this then my punishment,
for betraying you?
To try to hold together what we built,
even as it rips me apart,
a butchers knife to mutton,
a sacrificial lamb,
in your place on the alter?
 
I can not do it Arthur, I am not you,
I don't love this fickle land like you did.
Though for love of you,
I will lay down with you mistress,
even though it will be my death.
 
But what care I of death, I embrace it,
for without you I am dead already,
May I join you soon my love,
let us stand before God,
and learn to love each other
as we never did on this cruel earth.
 
 erthona
 
©2005 revised 2016

[dukealien]

Wonderful, on first read.  This POV has surely been novelized, but can't recall it as poetry until now.  T. H. White had some speculation on Guinevere's character, but always third-person omnisicient and not quite convincing.

Deserves (and will receive) a fuller critique, but on first reading a few points of grammar stuck out a bit:

It was not the queen that betrayed you,
it was the women,      Should be "woman," A. only  had one other (Morgana le Fey) and that's not the subject here anyway
but you betrayed me first,
left me to him,
then condemned me
when I sought him out,
but yours was the greater affair.

...

I can not do it Arthur, I am not you,   Period and reading seem to call for "cannot" here,  space reads as "am able to not do  it" rather than "am unable to do it"
I don't love this fickle land like you did.  "[A]s" rather than "like"
Though for love of you,
I will lay down with you mistress,  Should be "your," also, strictly, "lie" rather than "lay" unless you are going to be transitive ("lay myself down")
even though it will be my death.

Your choice of following the realistic rather than the Tennyson version (slow boat to Avalon) is fine - in that one their last meeting was at Glastonbury and A. was still alive.  Good navigation of the legend for purpose.

[Erthona]

Thanks Paul,

All good catches, will fix. Those are a;ways the things that get by me, although how I put in " women" instead of "woman". Would be an interesting read though, but the only other woman here I was thinking of was England. I can't remember the version, but in it, at the last Arthur forgives her (gives her amnesty) and after he dies the royalty come to the monastery and demand she come out. The first scene after this is that she is taken to his burial, which this poem is about, but it foreshadows her life afterwards and gives some degree of the depth of her love for Arthur that she is will to leave the quietude and become a symbol around which the land can rally around after the terrible civil war that has claimed both King and heir.

Thanks again, will fix shortly,

Best,

dale

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Dale. Enjoyed this one. I'll make some notes below.

Bitter farewell

Arthur, see him lying there,
cold and dead,(?)
This is not the Arthur I knew, (.)
where is the life, new sentence I think makes the above statement stronger.
the relentless vigor,
the burning intellect,
That helped forge this kingdom,
from petty kings? This seems like a statement sandwiched between 2 questions. I would consider punctuating it that way. Suggestion in red.
 
How I hated you,
so noble and pure,
always the country first, "England" might be nicely subbed for "the country" here in this first instance. For specifics and sonics. Just a thought.
before yourself, before me.
How difficult to live
in your shadow, cold. too cliche for you
Where was the warmth
of a husband?
 
Duty always came first to you, my preference would be a semicolon here
duty to the country.
Damn this country
that sucked the life from our love.
Our marriage bed so often cold,
I needed warmth,
all I received was the frigid honor
of being your queen.
 
For all his burning, Lancelot
was not near so warm as you,
but your duty always
stood between us,
like a wall between
a cold traveler and the fire.
Damn you Arthur,
how dare you leave me now.(?)
 
It was not the queen that betrayed you,
it was the women,
but you betrayed me first,
left me to him,
then condemned me
when I sought him out,
but yours was the greater affair. "greater affair" is an interesting phrase. Lots to read into it. 
 
You always loved this country
more than you loved me,
and then expected me
to bed down with her.
You made love to her,
let her suck the life from you,
this vampire bitch,
this wanton whore, this Britain. Is this the language your N would use? I mean, I like it, but it sounds like a departure from her voice. I dunno
 
Now that she no longer
has you on which to suckle,
she will now come for me. don't need 2nd now.
Sucking from these barren teats,
leaving me a dried out husk,
just as you, nothing left,
not even a good meal for the worms. "good meal" is a little dull. Maybe something meatier and less meaty at the same time. 
 
They call me whore, slut,
perpetrator of treason,
but that is only because
my sins were so petty.
You never committed petty crimes,
yours were always
the sins of the gods.
 
That is why they hate me!
My sins were so mundane,
yours were always so terribly grand.
They forgave you, even the time
you had all those children slaughtered,
trying to find your errant seed,
that bastard of your downfall, Mordred. some repetition in these last 2 strophes. Could they be combined?
 
No, they forgave you even that,
for wasn't that like the hand of Zeus, slightly awkward reading here for me. 
striking down from the heavens
taking life indiscriminately,
for a larger purpose?
No, my real crime was being a woman, might be stronger without "real"
having a woman’s needs.
 
The people of this fairyland,
will stand only so much humanness
in their gods before they cast them down.
How could you leave me
all alone like this Arthur?
Leaving me to these dogs to tear; 
a piece of meat to savage. love this section but this is where my earlier note applies. Meaty enough for dogs to savage but nothing for the worms?
 
Is this then my punishment, is then needed?
for betraying you?
To try to hold together what we built,
even as it rips me apart, semicolon?
a butchers knife to mutton,
a sacrificial lamb, don't need this comma
in your place on the alter?
 
I can not do it Arthur, I am not you, agree on cannot. If you keep "can not" then I would prefer "do not" on next line. 
I don't love this fickle land like you did.
Though for love of you,
I will lay down with your mistress,
even though it will be my death.
 
But what care I of death, I embrace it, inversion here is fine for the time, but amplifies what I meant by the N's earlier voice.
for without you I am dead already,
May I join you soon my love,
let us stand before God,
and learn to love each other
as we never did on this cruel earth.
 
 erthona
 
©2005 revised 2016

Lastly, I think there's too much of "this country", "the country" going on. Especially as they are clumped together. I didn't want to make specific suggestions beyond "England" in the first instance, but I think some "her"s and "she"s may help.
Hope some of that is helpful. Mostly punctuation and grammatical suggestions. Thematically, you know the subject better than me, so I won't throw my hat in.
Paul

[Erthona]

I agree. Most of what you picked up on was me trying to give the feel of the language without resorting to pseudo-dialect, as that is all it could be, being Old English. However, if it sticks out, it is not working. Yes, on the name, one can only say bitch so many times.
The idea of the poem and you can tell me if this came across was, that they loved each other, but he was unable to really love her because of his duty to the country, especially as his body was the country and as he went so did the country. So although he looked and grieved because he could not love her as he should, the country took precedence and in this way he was a god who was trying to love a mortal. Well, that was the idea. As the myth is so well known, I saw no need to make hat obvious and only allude to it. I will look at cleaning up the language where I can. Certainly things such as can not which is a typo to begin with, but also try and cut back on some of the verbosity without losing the feel I am trying to convey.

Thanks for your help, much appreciated,

dale

[just mercedes]

Your poem lacks compression. It is a grievous fault.

The transition from 3rd person singular to second person happens between stanzas 1 and 2. I feel it is a mistake to introduce the topic with this distance, then immediately change the relationship between narrator and subject.

There is a lot of telling in your poem, and no attempt to portray the relationships with poetic devices. I think you could play with those more, in your revision.

[dukealien]

(Committed the error of reading @just mercedes' critique before starting this.  Would not have noticed the change in form of address from S1 to S2, it seems so natural, but having now been alerted to it, it still seems natural and completely comprehensible, so, IMHO, stet.)

There is a thematic glitch, though, in using both Zeus and God in this soliloquy.  G. may be using Zeus as a metaphor while [the Pelagian-Christian] God is her actual belief system.  Perhaps Zeus could be tagged as "the pagan Zeus" to clear this up?  Is she suggesting that the British people were pagans while she and A. were Christian?  It's not a *bad* glitch, but could even add some power if the contrasting belief systems were placed more in opposition.  The sacrifice on the altar is also pagan, same mixed message which could be repaired in the same way.

The vampire metaphor is also a bit disconcerting:  it works, but would G. (know to) use it?

Detailed critique follows.  I enjoyed this poem very much, partly for the poem itself, partly in seeing how it threads through the varied versions of the legend.  (And pardon my shorthand, not demands, only suggestions!)

Bitter farewell

Arthur, see him lying there,
cold and dead,  Cliche
This is not the Arthur I knew,
where is the life,
the relentless vigor,
the burning intellect,  Four "the" in the last four lines - substitute descriptive adjectives, "his" for one, expunge others
That helped forge this kingdom,  Don't shilly-shally - just "forged," no "helped."  Maybe "realm" for "kingdom," also.
from petty kings?
 
How I hated you,
so noble and pure,
always the country first,
before yourself, before me.
How difficult to live
in your shadow, cold.  Confusing metaphor:  what's the sun here, if he's radiating and denying warmth in the next line?
Where was the warmth
of a husband?
 
Duty always came first to you, Near-cliche - would "ever" with a little inversion help, replacing "always?"
duty to the country.
Damn this country
that sucked the life from our love.  "Leeched" for "sucked?"
Our marriage bed so often cold,
I needed warmth,
all I received was the frigid honor  Compress to "frigid queenly honor" or the like?
of being your queen.
 
For all his burning, Lancelot
was not near so warm as you,
but your duty always
stood between us,  Cliche - changing it would also eliminate the repeated "between."
like a wall between
a cold traveler and the fire. Need more vivid word than "cold" - "frozen" or better
Damn you Arthur,
how dare you leave me now.  Exclamation point!
 
It was not the queen that betrayed you,  A bit labored (though it does read like heavy breathing).  Perhaps "The woman, not the queen betrayed you"
it was the women,
but you betrayed me first,
left me to him,
then condemned me  Is "then" necessary?
when I sought him out,
but yours was the greater affair. Perhaps "great" or even "grand"
 
You always loved this country
more than you loved me,
and then expected me
to bed down with her.
You made love to her,
let her suck the life from you,  "[D]rain" for "suck"
this vampire bitch,   Perhaps instead of vampire image, the bitch perpetually in heat?
this wanton whore, this Britain.
 
Now that she no longer
has you on which to suckle,  Again, another sound than "suck" so as to leave it for the big impact two lines down
she will now come for me.
Sucking from these barren teats,
leaving me a dried out husk,  Something - maybe "vanquished?" - instead of "dried out"
just as you, nothing left,   Here's where to use "like" rather than "just as"
not even a good meal for the worms.  Perhaps a bit of archaic cliche here - "no fit meal even for worms?"
 
They call me whore, slut,
perpetrator of treason,   traitoress
but that is only because
my sins were so petty.
You never committed petty crimes,  "Yours were never petty crimes?"
yours were always
the sins of the gods.  lose "the"
 
That is why they hate me!
My sins were so mundane,
yours were always so terribly grand.  "yours so grand and terrible?"
They forgave you, even the time
you had all those children slaughtered,   "ordered" for "had"
trying to find your errant seed,   "searching for" to avoid "trying" there
that bastard of your downfall, Mordred.  Very nice line - the first downfall was Mordred's conception, the second that of Camelot
 
No, they forgave you even that,
for wasn't that like the hand of Zeus,
striking down from the heavens
taking life indiscriminately,
for a larger purpose?  Suggestion:  "to greater purpose"
No, my real crime was being a woman,
having a woman’s needs.  Suggestion:  "with woman's needs"
 
The people of this fairyland,
will stand only so much humanness   "just" rather than "only?"
in their gods before they cast them down.
How could you leave me
all alone like this Arthur?  Need a comma, or move "Arthur?" to beginning of next line?
Leaving me to these dogs to tear; 
a piece of meat to savage.  Suggest more colorful archaism - "a joint of venison"
 
Is this then my punishment,
for betraying you?
To try to hold together what we built,
even as it rips me apart,
a butchers knife to mutton,
a sacrificial lamb,
in your place on the alter?  altar
 
I can not do it Arthur, I am not you,   cannot
I don't love this fickle land like you did.  "as" for "like"
Though for love of you,
I will lay down with you mistress,  lie ... your
even though it will be my death.  lose "even" - could even archaicize/compress to "though it be my death."
 
But what care I of death, I embrace it,  Could lose "But,"  replace "of" with "for"
for without you I am dead already,
May I join you soon my love,
let us stand before God,
and learn to love each other
as we never did on this cruel earth.  Powerful line.   Would "could" for "did" improve it?
 
 erthona
 
©2005 revised 2016

[Erthona]

Paul,

Thanks for all of the in-line note, I will make good use of them, as you asked the following somewhat as a question, I will try and explain my thinking.

Paul wrote: "There is a thematic glitch, though, in using both Zeus and God in this soliloquy.  G. may be using Zeus as a metaphor while [the Pelagian-Christian] God is her actual belief system.  Perhaps Zeus could be tagged as "the pagan Zeus" to clear this up?  Is she suggesting that the British people were pagans while she and A. were Christian?  It's not a *bad* glitch, but could even add some power if the contrasting belief systems were placed more in opposition.  The sacrifice on the altar is also pagan, same mixed message which could be repaired in the same way."

In terms of Genevieve not knowing about Zeus, there is no reason to suspect that she would not as she would have been raised Roman. Although a concession could be made to use Jupiter instead. I also considered some of the Welsh gods, but they are obscure and do not really make the point, it is also an echo back to the Exodus and also to Herod at the time of Christ birth. Herod would have been the best choice, except he was not a god. In terms of the royal houses being aware and in fact being educated in Roman education, see the notes below. Ambrosius and Uther were at the tail end of the Roman occupation of Britain.   
 
" the island of Great Britain that were governed by the Roman Empire, from AD 43 to 409 or 410"
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roman_Britain)
 
"Uther's family is based on some historical figures; Constantine on the historical usurper Constantine III, a claimant to the Roman throne from 407–411, and Constans on his son. Aurelius Ambrosius is Ambrosius Aurelianus"
                       
                                    ˙   ˙   ˙
"Uther and his other brother Aurelius Ambrosius, still children, flee to Brittany. Vortigern makes an alliance with the Saxons under Hengist, but it goes disastrously wrong. Aurelius and Uther return, now adults. Aurelius burns Vortigern in his castle and becomes king."
 
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uther_Pendragon)
 
So you see the lingering effects of a Roman Britain would still be very much in force at the time of Arthur. Not only that Christianity would still be fairly knew as:
 
" On 27 February 380, Emperor Theodosius I enacted a law establishing Nicene Christianity as the state church of the Roman Empire."
(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christiani...l_Councils)
 
So by the time of Arthur, the Greek and Roman gods would still be very much a part of a Romans education in terms of history, as their history and mythology is so intermixed. Simply think of the "Aeneid" and all the gods and goddesses that are involved and they would have certainly been instructed in the "Iliad" at the very least, so these people would be very much familiar with these gods.   

I am using wiki for the reference, but I have written several papers on the subject and I see no errors in the wiki accounts. One paper was quite lengthy and involved tracing out the history of Merlin. Evidently the "Merlin" of legend was actually three different men combined into one. In this, wiki has it wrong. The Roman Merlin, Merlinus Ambrosius, was Roman educated in a number of things, but as it hinges on the story, he was very adapt with construction equipment, being able to set of hoist and other tools to lift large loads such as large stones. Thus was born the story that Merlin built Stonehenge, which we know is not the case, however, it would probably not have been beyond his ability.



I never did like the idea of "vampire" I was thinking more along of succubus, which would have been more than familiar, it would have been part of the folk lore. In fact One of the Merlins, "Myrddin Wyllt", or "Myrddin the Wild" was said to be born when his mother had sex with an incubus, which is why he was wild and had magical powers. of if not that "leech" as I think you suggested. I'll have to consider as I work back though it.

Again, thanks for all the good suggestions,

dale

---

just mercedes,

Thanks for your comments, much appreciated.

dale

[tectak]

Hi Dale,
I cannot fathom what inspired this fabulous trip but award you a
knighthood, gartered, for writing it. Punctuation seems a very small nit, and in this piece it is, and so I will try to find something else to insult you over. I am becoming a specialist pratt. You taught me all I know
Bitter farewell

Arthur, see him lying there,
cold and dead, Some statement of the obvious but there is serialism, cause and effect and information in this opener. It is,though, open ended as to whom this information is proffered. If to no one in particular then " Arthur lies  before me; still,
cold and dead."

This is not the Arthur I knew, A comma crisis looms. Period at this line end for lots of reasons.
where is the life,
the relentless vigor,
the burning intellect,
That helped forge this kingdom, No capita on that.
from petty kings?
 
How I hated you, Ditto. this is a sentence BUT the enjambment carries it over to the next line. Suggestion, and that is all it is, would be to leave the comma after you and end the run-on with a period after pure. It certainly dramatises the line to do this because it sets apart the expressed paradoxical envy as a gestalt.
so noble and pure,
always the country first, Excellent indication of wearisome acceptance
before yourself, before me.
How difficult to live
in your shadow, cold. Hmm. Not good. How difficult to live in your chill shadow?
Where was the warmth
of a husband?
 
Duty always came first to you,
duty to the country. I think this is repetition and could be omitted...should be omitted. You may argue that this is bitterness exemplified but frankly, I got that in one.
Damn this country
that sucked the life from our love. Hmm again. Love from our lives (pluralised on purpose). Maybe. Maybe cliche. Maybe not.
Our marriage bed so often cold, In this period in history, cold was a problem ANYWAY and so harping on about not being warm enough is a little pedestrian.Symbolically I think you could make more of the absence of a bed partener ie proximity of or otherwise.
I needed warmth, Definitely a period here. This is a unit of sadness. Let it stand alone.
all I received was the frigid honor
of being your queen.
 
For all his burning, Lancelot
was not near so warm as you,
perhaps a missed nuance here. Lancelot was not near....just saying
but your duty always
stood between us,
like a wall between
a cold traveler and the fire. Yes to this...though  I am ashamedly titivated by the "...your duty always stood". Note to self.Oh for Pete's sake grow up.
Damn you Arthur,
how dare you leave me now. Patently rhetorical  but a question nonetheless?
 
It was not the queen that betrayed you,
it was the women,
but you betrayed me first, Though is better than but.
left me to him,
then condemned me
when I sought him out, Period
but yours was the greater affair. But me no buts. Omit. Meter? Who cares...easy to correct
 
You always loved this country
more than you loved me,
and then expected me
to bed down with her.
You made love to her,
let her suck the life from you, Too much sucking going on...it sucks
this vampire bitch,
this wanton whore, this Britain.
 
Now that she no longer
has you on which to suckle,
she will now come for me.
Sucking from these barren teats,
leaving me a dried out husk,
just as you, nothing left,
not even a good meal for the worms. It is powerful. It is meaningfull...but you should choose which sucking metaphor you like best and use just one.
 
They call me whore, slut,
perpetrator of treason,
but that is only because
my sins were so petty. Again, you make a good and subtle point. I feel you could build on this mini-theme without losing anything of the core metaphor.
You never committed petty crimes,
yours were always
the sins of the gods.
 
That is why they hate me!
My sins were so mundane,
yours were always so terribly grand. ...and arguably you DO build on this godly detestation of mundanity in mortals in these lines...but now I want to know what these mundane transgressions were...surely, confession would be a survival instinct?
They forgave you, even the time
you had all those children slaughtered,
trying to find your errant seed,
that bastard of your downfall, Mordred.
 
No, they forgave you even that, Why the no? Surely yes if anything at all
for wasn't that like the hand of Zeus, for is superfluous
striking down from the heavens
taking life indiscriminately,
for a larger purpose?
No, my real crime was being a woman, Why the no? Who is arguing?
having a woman’s needs.
 
The people of this fairyland,
will stand only so much humanness
in their gods before they cast them down.
How could you leave me
all alone like this Arthur? HO Ho Ho! What is this thing called, Love? Comma after this
Leaving me to these dogs to tear; 
a piece of meat to savage. Clunky everywhere but grammatically correct. Funny, that.
 
Is this then my punishment, Then? Then? Then what?
for betraying you?
To try to hold together what we built,
even as it rips me apart,
a butchers knife to mutton, butcher's. You are getting tired of the piece
a sacrificial lamb,
in your place on the alter? Oh dear. Altar.
 
I can not do it Arthur, I am not you,
I don't love this fickle land like you did.
Though for love of you,
I will lay down with you mistress, Huh?
even though it will be my death.
 
But what care I of death, I embrace it, Way too many buts, fors and thoughs...my boolean is not up to it.
for without you I am dead already,
May I join you soon my love, This is a question?
let us stand before God,
and learn to love each other
as we never did on this cruel earth.
 
 erthona
 
©2005 revised 2016

Best I can do though but and even for you it is worth it.
Best,
tectak[/b][/b][/b]

---

Hi Dale,
I cannot fathom what inspired this fabulous trip but award you a
knighthood, gartered, for writing it. Punctuation seems a very small nit, and in this piece it is, and so I will try to find something else to insult you over. I am becoming a specialist pratt. You taught me all I know
Bitter farewell

Arthur, see him lying there,
cold and dead, Some statement of the obvious but there is serialism, cause and effect and information in this opener. It is,though, open ended as to whom this information is proffered. If to no one in particular then " Arthur lies  before me; still,
cold and dead."

This is not the Arthur I knew, A comma crisis looms. Period at this line end for lots of reasons.
where is the life,
the relentless vigor,
the burning intellect,
That helped forge this kingdom, No capital on that.
from petty kings?
 
How I hated you, Ditto. this is a sentence BUT the enjambment carries it over to the next line. Suggestion, and that is all it is, would be to leave the comma after you and end the run-on with a period after pure. It certainly dramatises the line to do this because it sets apart the expressed paradoxical envy as a gestalt.
so noble and pure,
always the country first, Excellent indication of wearisome acceptance
before yourself, before me.
How difficult to live
in your shadow, cold. Hmm. Not good. How difficult to live in your chill shadow?
Where was the warmth
of a husband?
 
Duty always came first to you,
duty to the country. I think this is repetition and could be omitted...should be omitted. You may argue that this is bitterness exemplified but frankly, I got that in one.
Damn this country
that sucked the life from our love. Hmm again. Love from our lives (pluralised on purpose). Maybe. Maybe cliche. Maybe not.
Our marriage bed so often cold, In this period in history, cold was a problem ANYWAY and so harping on about not being warm enough is a little pedestrian.Symbolically I think you could make more of the absence of a bed partener ie proximity of or otherwise.
I needed warmth, Definitely a period here. This is a unit of sadness. Let it stand alone.
all I received was the frigid honor
of being your queen.
 
For all his burning, Lancelot
was not near so warm as you,
perhaps a missed nuance here. Lancelot was not near....just saying
but your duty always
stood between us,
like a wall between
a cold traveler and the fire. Yes to this...though  I am ashamedly titivated by the "...your duty always stood". Note to self.Oh for Pete's sake grow up.
Damn you Arthur,
how dare you leave me now. Patently rhetorical  but a question nonetheless?
 
It was not the queen that betrayed you,
it was the women,
but you betrayed me first, Though is better than but.
left me to him,
then condemned me
when I sought him out, Period
but yours was the greater affair. But me no buts. Omit. Meter? Who cares...easy to correct
 
You always loved this country
more than you loved me,
and then expected me
to bed down with her.
You made love to her,
let her suck the life from you, Too much sucking going on...it sucks
this vampire bitch,
this wanton whore, this Britain.
 
Now that she no longer
has you on which to suckle,
she will now come for me.
Sucking from these barren teats,
leaving me a dried out husk,
just as you, nothing left,
not even a good meal for the worms. It is powerful. It is meaningfull...but you should choose which sucking metaphor you like best and use just one.
 
They call me whore, slut,
perpetrator of treason,
but that is only because
my sins were so petty. Again, you make a good and subtle point. I feel you could build on this mini-theme without losing anything of the core metaphor.
You never committed petty crimes,
yours were always
the sins of the gods.
 
That is why they hate me!
My sins were so mundane,
yours were always so terribly grand. ...and arguably you DO build on this godly detestation of mundanity in mortals in these lines...but now I want to know what these mundane transgressions were...surely, confession would be a survival instinct?
They forgave you, even the time
you had all those children slaughtered,
trying to find your errant seed,
that bastard of your downfall, Mordred.
 
No, they forgave you even that, Why the no? Surely yes if anything at all
for wasn't that like the hand of Zeus, for is superfluous
striking down from the heavens
taking life indiscriminately,
for a larger purpose?
No, my real crime was being a woman, Why the no? Who is arguing?
having a woman’s needs.
 
The people of this fairyland,
will stand only so much humanness
in their gods before they cast them down.
How could you leave me
all alone like this Arthur? HO Ho Ho! What is this thing called, Love? Comma after this
Leaving me to these dogs to tear; 
a piece of meat to savage. Clunky everywhere but grammatically correct. Funny, that.
 
Is this then my punishment, Then? Then? Then what?
for betraying you?
To try to hold together what we built,
even as it rips me apart,
a butchers knife to mutton, butcher's. You are getting tired of the piece
a sacrificial lamb,
in your place on the alter? Oh dear. Altar.
 
I can not do it Arthur, I am not you,
I don't love this fickle land like you did.
Though for love of you,
I will lay down with you mistress, Huh?
even though it will be my death.
 
But what care I of death, I embrace it, Way too many buts, fors and thoughs...my boolean is not up to it.
for without you I am dead already,
May I join you soon my love, This is a question?
let us stand before God,
and learn to love each other
as we never did on this cruel earth.
 
 erthona
 
©2005 revised 2016

Best I can do though but and even for you it is worth it.
Best,
tectak[/b][/b][/b]

[Erthona]

Very helpful Tom. A good guide to let the cutting begin. Yes, too many if, and, buts, when therefores and such as, will eradicate upon first edit.

Especially good catch on "For all his burning, Lancelot was not near so warm as you"  Inserted for atmosphere, but came across as only a fart Same with a number of things you point out.

As for "alter" "altar" not tired, just an unfortunate combination of dyslexia striking and spell checker being unable to distinguish word usage. Going back over it will do no good, as I did goo back over it, for I will probably never catch it until someone points it out. I believe Paul also caught it.

Don't believe I have any quibbles with anything you suggested, so should incorporate all.

As always, invaluable and glad to see you back around. I feared you found your new home so comfortable we would never hear from you again. So are you now in the city? It seemed you were in the country before. Personally I can't believe you did not move to Italy, as you see to spend most of your time there. Scotland would be nice, but for only about half the year I suspect, although it may have lost some of its appeal for you now. A pity if true, I know how much you enjoyed it.

dale

[Achebe]

Erthona - 

I like the idea of the poem. No women from Avalon (?), no flashing excalibur thrown into a lake. Realistic, like the film with Keira Knightley in it as a barenaked lady.
However, it is quite long and cliche ridden, starting from "relentless vigour" (maybe even"cold and dead") and ending at "cruel earth".   It might be a good start to drop all the adjectives   ... and most of the nouns.

I think the poem can be condensed into 3 neat stanzas, sequentially on the theme of : I didn't betray you, you betrayed me / Lancelot wasn't as hot as you / I don't fear death.

[Erthona]

Achebe,
All extraneous verbiage removed

Stanza I
an Elegy, a confessional/an expiation of guilt and a justification
Guinevere speaks in the common tongue, not in high chant (some slight cliche are reasonable)

Stanza II
she searches her soul
she makes a dreadful decision for the husband she loved and betrayed

Stanza III
She does penitence for her betrayal of love.
This is the courtly love tradition reversed.

*I eradicated the mention of Lancelot (with a double entendre like that that and you quibble with me over half cliches, for shame (puts back of hand to forehead), the injustice of it all)     Just who did he lance a lot? You are aware that the Queen, at least in some versions, more the older versions, besides tying a hanky to his staff to signify him as her champion (the king of course could not participate), also would have a doughnut of flowers, as though a small crown, which she would slide down his shaft. Ha! Batter me not unworthy cod...or was it god? Although in my youth I did like being deep fried!

As to your own stanzas " I didn't betray you, you betrayed me" The problem is that she did betray Arthur and she knows she did. She admits this.

"It was not the queen that betrayed you,
it was the women"

So while I could make it more terse, it takes away the subtly of the poem, not to mention the underlying layers. This is an archetype we are working with, and to be to brief would destroy that structure (actually two distinct archetypes).
So while I agree a certain amount of judicious trimming is in order, I must disagree with the severity of your cutting. Certainly it would be nice to reduce the total to three stanzas, more people would be inclined to read it rather than slogged through this long laborious thing that sits like a fat slug upon the page.

I remember a line by Jeff Goldbloom's character in the "Big Chill" (great movie BTW, great soundtrack). His character worked for a newspaper or a magazine. He said, "Never write a piece that the average American can't read while taking a crap. I fear this exceeds that length. However I hear they will soon have a pill one can take that will supply everything one needs to survive. Of course there is no taste, no smell, no satisfaction in chewing, but that hardly matters        

Please forgive the poking of fun, I'm just in a perverse mood this morning. However if you do have so specific line or word recommendations (and I am not dismissing the cliche comment out of hand, I will look for better wording), I would be grateful to hear from you.

Thanks again for taking the the time to read and comment, it is always appreciated,

dale