Gloop (Revision 3.1)

[Todd]

Hi AJ,

Thank you for your critique. Let me dialogue with some of your comments below.

Revision 3.1

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth  I am still on the fence about your new first line.  the inclusion of Hell works when the whole poem has been taken on board, but as a first word, first line, intro it feels very tired.  (I think the trouble was I loved your previous russet river pipe image.  It immediately plugged me into the film image of the chocolate river whereas the dark river of hell plays an entirely separate line of thought that it took some moments to shake off)--I'm going to come up with another solution for this I think. Thanks.
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed  Having said all that I love the change away from the passive voice and in particular this intro of fp character.--Glad the POV change seems to be working. I agree that I think milo nailed the problems I was having with passive voice.
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat,
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet
like a shaken soda left to explode.  Not sure you need "like" on this line, esp as you then repeat it so soon.  think you should consider which one is more effective - my choice is to loose this one.--cutting that like if I stay with this structure is a very good call. Nice eye.

I popped  like the movement / like the white space and line breaks...carries the energy of the action.--Thanks, I was hoping it would.

like a champagne cork before a toast 
in someone else’s honor, flying  overall great build up and combined image of flying boy.
over the mint grass and fondant flowers,  nice images - made me smile--Yeah, this poem is all about mixing whimsy and horror.
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside   perhaps a comma needed after nuts- but I am famous for poor punctuation so perhaps not!
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down
a hall I had forgotten  not a fan of the line break here thing it would be better with lick moved up. IMO would also strengthen the salt girl line if it was a stand alone.
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent  think need to move the comma from after once to after silent.--I'll consider all of this as I revise.
too busy nursing her bitten fingers.
 
Some would say that we do not live   I have a problem here that might be a local thing.  "Some would say..."  is a huge cliche for me because of the Top gear programe.  I keep expecting the character of  The Stig to be introduced --Never really watched the show so I'll take your word on it. I'll relook at this.
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Each day is now
the same gobstopper. There is no exit,
only each other, the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.  other than my local to the Uk cliche no nits with the rest of this stanza and great ending.

~

hope some comments are helpful  AJ.

Thanks again for your comments AJ. I'll use them as I revise.

Best,

Todd