Gloop (Revision 3.1)

[Todd]

Revision 3

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat,
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet   dig the additions here. Makes it more allegorical.
like a shaken soda left to explode.

I popped  

like a champagne cork before a toast 
in someone else’s honor, flying
over the mint grass and fondant flowers,
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down
a hall I had forgotten
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent
too busy nursing her bitten fingers.
 
Some would say that we do not live
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Our days are now
gobstobber long. There is no exit,            On the fence about the use of gobstopper, it may seem too obvious.
only each other, the stench of chocolate   Maybe something like "Each day is a gobstopper"  
and a terrible hunger.  "There is no exit" gives me the same feeling.  I think it's already implied from                                                previous lines.

Todd,  

I'm really enjoying the development of this piece.  It get's better and better with each revision.

-Nick

Hi Nick,

I appreciate the comments. Maybe "Each day is now/ the same gobstobber." I'll think about it.

Thanks.

Best,

Todd